I just want to say I'm sorry if this chapter sucks. Today was horrible, like most days. But today is different. If you care, and would like to know why, I will write about it at the end of this chapter.
I woke up. The guys were still sleeping and were sprawled across my bed. Each of them emitting a different snort sound. I looked over at Michael. He was cute when he is sleeping. His writs were exposed. I examined each scar. They were bad, worse than mine. That could be because he has a higher pain tolerance than me though.
I need to talk to him. Since I started taking those depression pills I feel even worse. Everything is darker and more irritating and more depressing. I sat up and snaked myself out from the guys carefully, to try not to wake them. I sat on the edge of the bed and put my head in my hands, I smoothed back my hair and then put my hands back on my head. I brought my knees up to my head. I took one hand away and took Michael's hand instead. I then brought our hands to my head. I felt a tear fall from my eye. I dropped his hand and stood up. I walked myself to my bathroom, that was attached to my room.
I opened up the door, I shut it behind me. I grabbed my secret stash of blades, that I hid especially well. I took the one blade and sat on the floor. I put the blade to my wrist, I pressed hard and pulled it across my skin. I looked away and did it multiple times. I looked back down. Pain shooting up my arm and blood shooting out from it. My wrist had about 12 new deep cuts. I immediately felt relief, and an immense amount of guilt. I sat there. With tears forming in my eyes, spilling onto my cheeks. It was a silent cry. Half because of the pain the other half because of the great emotional pain I'm feeling.
I stood up, with tears still flowing like a river down my cheeks. I turned on the tap and rinsed my wrist. I put my left wrist under the tap, seeing as though that was the wrist i just made my markings on. I cringed at the feeling. I dried it off then hugged my wrist to my stomach. I opened the door with my right arm and swiftly went towards my dresser. I looked at the boys who all still seemed to be asleep. I brought my wrist back to my side, and opened up my bottom drawer in search of a long sleeve.
I started to slide one on, I flinched away as the fabric touched my new wounds. I continued to put it on anyway. I got it around my neck and pulled it down my torso. I looked down at the shirt. I noticed the collar was damp, with tears. I heard a noise on the bed, the squeak of someone moving. I heard footsteps coming closer. I felt someones arms wrap around me tightly. It was Michael.
"Morning beautiful." He said.
I wiped some tears away and kept my back facing him. More and more tears just spilled over.
"H-i." I squeaked, trying not to make my voice sound like I'm crying. I think I
"How are you?" He asked concerned.
I just raised my right hand and gave him a thumbs up.
"Can you turn around?" He asked sweetly.
I shook my head.
He out his hands on my hips and spun me around. I tried to resist but it was pointless.
His smile faded when he saw my red puffy eyes, and tears streaming down my face.
"Come here." He whispered.
I wrapped my arms around his shoulders. He wrapped his arms tightly around my waist. I pushed my face into his chest. His scent calms me. His scent gives me a sense of safety.
He let go but grabbed my hand. He led me out of the room and downstairs to the living room. He sat down on the couch, I followed his actions.
He pulled me over and put my head on his lap. He lightly played with my hair. I put my left wrist down under my right one. I played with my sleeves nervously.
"What are you trying to hide?" He whispered. His eyes darted to my wrist then back at my eyes. I looked away.
"No..." He whispered. I kept my eyes on a picture.
He took my arms and rolled up my sleeves. He saw the very new wounds on my wrist. He gasped.
"God dammit." He whispered.
"Im sorry. Im so sorry. Michael I'm sor-"
"Its okay" he whispered, cutting me off.
"But im not." I mumbled.
"Mads. I know. I just- i should have known. I was rolling over and i saw you going into the bathroom and i didn't do anything. And i should have. I could have stopped you."
"Mike, its fine." I said.
"Its not." He whispered very quietly.
I took his face in my hand. I soothed my thumb over his cheek.
"I heard what happened last night..." He whispered.
"Yeah. Its these damn pills. They are making me feel 10 times worse than i did. Especially with the combination if birth control it just is making me feel shitty." I whispered.
"Birth control?" He asked.
"Yeah, uh. I get really bad cramps, i thought the pill would help but it doesn't really, I'm just too lazy to get off of it."
"Oh..." He whispered.
He stood me up for a minute and he laid down. He grabbed my hips and aligned me so i was directly over him. I laid literally on top of him. He put his arms on my back, he snaked his hands under my shirt and drew silly happy faces and hearts on my back. I giggled.
"I like it when you giggle." He whispered.
"I like it when you are here with me." I whispered back.
I moved down a tad so my head was on his shoulder, I moved my one hand up and played with the hair at the back of his neck. I pulled on it slightly sometimes. I took my head off his shoulder and brought my lips over his. I leaned down and placed my lips softly on his. Our lips moved in sync. I smiled into the kiss and pulled away. Going back to where I was. I felt Michael's crotch start to harden underneath me. I hit his shoulder playfully.
"Im sorry!" He whined. "I cant control it!"
"I really really like you." He whispered into my ear.
"I really really like you too." I whispered back.
I grabbed one of his hands and put it in mine. The size difference was large but cute. We played with each others fingers.
I think i love him. Well i know i love him. I just don't know if he feels the same.
He trapped my fingers under his and we both laughed.
"Correction. I love you." He looked me in the eyes.
"I love you too." I smiled. I looked into his eyes. I kissed his neck because it was beside my head.
I wish i could stay like this forever.
So uh if you want to hear me vent about my day keep reading if not, Eh go to the next chapter.
So this guy (attractive guy) and i had eye contact and he looked away. But in that moment i was like omg. I panicked because I'm insanely insecure. Probably the most insecure person you will ever meet tbh. When he looked away i was like relived. But he. Looked away like a second after we caught each others eyes. And now i feel really really really insecure bc i feel like something is wrong with me that he wouldn't like acknowledge me or anything.
And I'm having a really crappy emotional day. Oh wait. I have more to add up there. So he is one of the popularish guys so i feel like he is going to be like "yeah this loser looked at me today. She so likes me. I dont even know why its not like id ever date that fat whale." To his friends. Okay.
I really dont see the point in living tbh. But im petrified of dying. Life is everything so what happens when its gone. Im scared to live. I dont think anyone will ever love me. I dont think my life will be sucessful.
The popular ppl at my school also walk around like 'no one has more problems than me. And everyone else must be fine bc they arnt popular.' Uhm no. Get your heads out of your asses. Take a closer look at the girl that sits in the back of the english class away from everyone. Who barely makes eye contact with anyone. Who has scars she covers up everyday. Who is depressed. Who needs help. But who is there to help her? She doesnt have the massive amount of people that care about her. No because she is just the loser at the back of the class. Who doesnt talk to anyone. Take a closer
Look. Maybe there is a reason.
Okay. Thats some of my rant/venting. Thanks if you read this. ILy.