It’s raining. Lightning strikes across the sky, the glowing pang against the clouds followed by the low rumbling reminds me that I’m still sitting in my bedroom in my pyjamas on a Saturday afternoon consumed in grief and self pity. The bitterness lingers with the cigarette smoke that wafts solemnly around the apartment. The bubble of self hatred inflates steadily with every waken moment, it deflates every night as I dream of her smiling face looking up on mine.
Then I wake and the stabbing feeling of solemness returns, and my momentary bliss is pried from my cold fingers, the euphoria ebbing away as she fades. I sit amongst white sheets, they drown and consumed me in their endless plainness, and listen to the hammering of the rain against the balcony. All I can hear is the sound of thunder storms consuming the skies and rain slamming down against the world.
I breathe in the toxins of the cigarette smoke, exhaling out a lazy cloud of ashy smoke. I never used to smoke. I took it up as a sort of slow suicide. I took it up because I missed the taste of her lips. Her lips were galaxies and cosmos, and the horrible taste of cigarettes that had stained her tongue was vile at first, but then comforting and pleasant and lovely.
A beautiful flowering assortment of coloured flavours, grey for the ash, dark red for the lipstick and silver for the life that flowed from her in a radiant glow. I cast the cigarette from between my fingers, lying down on the bed, listening to the rain.
Lightning split the sky in half with fiery fingers and the cloud retaliate with an angered growl. Totally still, total silence, except the rain. I had become acquainted with the sound of rain drumming in time with my heartbeat.
I longed for her smell to waft around the room, her laugh to travel around me in cascades of delirious ecstasy. Occasionally, I’d consider spritzing her perfume across one of her teeshirts and lying down, drinking in her scent, but it only makes me miss her more; it makes me more distraught.
The phone is ringing, a dull background noise that blends in and out of the sound of rain, breathing and a single heartbeat. Again, again, again and again. Until it pierces the silence and it can’t be removed from my perception of existence. The hollow horror that beholds my future, my past, my relentless present.
I pick up the phone.
“Where are you?” Stacy asked, a slight ring of a concern echoed in her voice. “Please say you aren’t still in bed.”
I don’t answer, I remain silent. I don’t lie to her as she poured concern at me in vain.
“For gods sakes Dee! We told you she would destroy, completely and utterly just as soon as she had destroyed herself. She was a time bomb.”
“I guess. Bye.” I mumble, hanging up. I don’t wait to hear her protest, I don’t want to speak with anyone.
Ara was deceptive and manipulative. She twisted people around her little finger with ease, her charm drawing people in like a beautiful, intricate piece of art. She was rebellious, fun, sneaky and crazy. Insanity poured from her mouth in the form of beautiful lies that consumed me.
I always knew, but her presence was more addicting than any drug or substance in the world, she had me on a leash. She was the sort of person who’s perfection is unmeasurable, who’s personality is compelling and who’s very being, her existence was enthralling. Her actions and words had engrossed me in our alternate reality of terrible beauty that lay on the cusp of insanity.
She made me alive, the dull humdrum of life left behind for an exhilarating high. Now, in the overwhelming low that followed her passing, I sat, an empty, hollow shell of the person I was, that glimpsed the world in a fascinating beautiful light for a short moment.
The rain shook the glass panels that looked out onto the gloomy city, the weather produced a vague reading of the whole that had been ripped out of me. It stormed and raged, fury and hate pulsing from it’s toxic recesses.
I had grown accustomed to the rain, but the hollow feeling of that malignant abyss terrified me every time I delved into the heart of the bitterness that was slowly spreading through my body like poison in the blood stream. It made me numb to pain of all kind, slowly eating away at my mentality. I was waiting patiently, longing for it to reach my heart and strike me dead, but it oozed through me so slow, slowly dissolving me into insignificance.
Darkness and smoke, whipped around me in tendrils of death as the moon’s plaid face lit up the dark clouds. Rain still slammed upon the earth in cascades of hate and disgust. The tendrils licked my skin, their icy bites made me shiver as death breathed warmly on the back of my neck. Arabella’s words whispered in the comfort of darkness as monsters prayed on my mind, withdrawing as they saw the decaying mess that my brain had become.
In the semi darkness, I listened to the rain, fleeting shadows run around the room and the rain runs along the opposite walls. I gaze towards the metal horizon. Hoping to escape reality in tonights dreams, my naked body slipping into a dream, hoping to forget the world trouble for a short moment to achieve peace.
I sigh, her memory dancing on my mind, my brain trying to cope with the after affects of her vanishing. The low drawing away every capability I have for normal human function. It struggles, on the verge of collapse begging for that sweet blessed high that comes in the form of her odour and laugh and lips. Her kiss that sizzles upon your lips, like stars exploding into being.
I sigh and listen.