I sighed and plastered a real smile on my face for the first time in weeks. I was going to propose to Melanie today. This would at least be something happy for us all to celebrate in these depressing weeks of our current lives.
It still hurts so much. I was never close to Diana but just knowing that I will never talk to her again (until my own death of course), truly causes me agony. I have to die to see her again.
And just knowing that I could have done something to help her...
Though, we all could have helped her. That's what hurts. We weren't there for her when she needed us most.
Maybe the proposal will lighten the mood?
I had invited Melanie to take a walk by a beautiful stream yesterday. I had played it out so many times in my head but it's so complicated because I know it will never happen the way I imagine it.
I doubt she'll say no, but there's still a small fear. What if she isn't ready to settle down? What if Diana has caused her enough pain to not want to marry me?
There's always time.
I tried to shake the anxiety off my shoulders for a little while by going out to have pizza. I invited the boys but only Luke came.
Michael is so depressed. I can't even imagine how much pain he's in. I mean, it was obvious that he liked Diana. Like, really liked her. He watched her die right in front of him.
He talked to Luke about it. Luke had told me. He couldn't stop crying as he explained the story.
He walked in the trailer and Diana looked at him, then he screamed at what he saw. She started to cry harder and then released the thing she used to kill herself. Michael desperately tried to save her but he wasn't in time.
Imagine that... Like, he saw his crush literally kill herself. That's just flat out depressing.
Luke told me that Michael really just likes to be alone so I allow him plenty of privacy.
I want to do fun things again. I understand that everybody is in pain, but how is sitting around and sulking about what we could have done to save her life going to help?
I try and get the boys out as much as possible. Michael never comes. Ashton comes sometimes but he is usually at Amy's hotel room comforting her. Luke practically always comes because he understand that we shouldn't be handling this the way we are.
We need to try to move on.
We never will, but we need to at least make a move, because this is not going to impact us well.
Luke and I talked over the proposal while eating pizza. The boys were happy for me, but still upset about Diana.
Maybe this is the reason I want to do this now... I want to lighten the mood. I've been considering this for a while now. I mean, Melanie and I have been together for almost two years and I love her with all my heart.
Luke drove back as I excitedly rambled about how everything will be in my future. We can continue the bands, but I'll have a wife. An woman that is always there for me, even in my darkest hours.
As depressing as this time is for us, I'm so excited.
I sniffled and told myself to stop crying. I just went through a photo album and saw a bunch of pictures of Diana.
What a happier time.
I just wish she was still alive. If I could have one thing in the world, that would be for her to never have done that to herself.
I miss her so much.
I sighed and pulled some black skinny jeans and a sweater out of my closet. Calum asked me to go on a date with him yesterday. The location that he told me about seemed beautiful. I was a bit excited, but still the overwhelming grief burdened most of my mind.
I stood by the door until Calum's car arrived. I ran out and flew into his arms, suddenly wanting to cry again. Everything good made me want to cry now.
Because now I know how quickly and easily good things could end...