It has been almost a week since Diana killed herself. I got my boot removed and I can finally walk again. Though, I don't want to do anything. I feel like I can sulk for the rest of my life.
I should have payed more attention to her.
Maybe if I would have said a few nice words that day, she would still be alive.
I should have...
I could have...
If I would have...
These are usual phrases that come out of my mouth and go through my mind...
Usually, I just scroll through Twitter and see what fans have to say nowadays. Some of them are actually happy about what Diana did.
Is that even freaking human?
Though, some are very sorry and angry about the fandom's immaturity. The boys are in agony though. That's the only reason for it.
If they hate on some other random person and they kill themselves, then they won't care. As soon as it's incorporated with their career, they suddenly care.
By their career, I mean they haven't played a show since the incident. What can they expect.
"Oh, you know, someone really close to all of us killed herself... Sad... But let's go play shows in front of thousands of people and probably end up breaking down and doing terrible!"
I mean seriously. Some are actually angry that they aren't playing shows...
Look at Liam for God's sake. He's in complete and utter pain. Do people expect him to be happy after that?
How can people ask them to do this while this is happening?
I brushed my hair and put on the black dress that I bought for her funeral and drove to the cemetery. This will be an emotional roller coaster.
I walked to the front row where her family and all the boys with Melanie were. I sat next to Ashton, who pulled me into a close hug the second I sat down. I hugged back with the same passion and emotion.
"Good evening everyone." A voice said. Ashton and I pulled back from our hug and turned to face the front where a priest stood. "We are here to celebrate the life of Diana Ellie Wilson. Who would like to speak?"
First, her parents went up and talked. I volunteered second and walked up, feeling a bit nervous but still dead inside. That's what this has left me like. Dead.
"Hey everyone. My name is Amy and... I was one of Diana's closest friends..." I sighed as the crowd stared at me sympathetically. "First off, I know we all want to go back in time and do something differently. Though, we can't. It's too late... Diana meant everything to me.... But I will not sit around and watch everyone feel like it's their fault. It's not anyone's fault except the hateful fans." I closed my eyes, then continued. "I hope that if any of you ever consider suicide as the right answer, you'll this. Diana is putting us through utter agony. She just wanted to make herself happy but look at us now. We're not happy. I'm sure she wouldn't want us a to be this upset, but she is an angel. She didn't deserve this. Though, she chose it for herself. It's not right. Depression is growing in our world and I urge you to get help if you are depressed. Don't leave everyone you know like Diana left us..." I cringed and walked back to my seat. The crowd clapped extra loud for me. Many others went up and told their rehearsed speeches about how wonderful Diana was...
But I didn't even rehearse...
What I don't understand is why we're talking about her life. Why don't we talk about her death and try to prevent it? She has put me and so many others through so much pain. We need everyone to know that it isn't right.
So why not focus on her death, as depressing as it sounds...