Green monsters and empty stomachs


1. Green monsters

Her claws dig into the skin of my back, stomach, thighs and arms

Squeezing every ounce of perceived fat feeling the shame glide down with the height of my shoulders

She grabs the back of my hair forcing my face to the mirror to gaze upon my naked body 

Her sharp teeth bared, she growls at every imperfection telling me the cost to my worth each one represents 

A crystal tear rolls down my cheek just before she slaps it from my face drawing blood

At meals she takes a spot upon my shoulder whispering instructions on how to be perfect

"Push your food around to look like you ate"

"Say your sick so they don't question your absence"

"go to the bathroom and empty your stomach of the calories that weigh you down"

These whispers that echo as screaming in my head 

forever on repeat making sure that their content always reverberates

The scars left by the echos residing on the knuckle of my hands 

Every time I manage to keep a meal down her fists beat against my thighs

leaving bruises that I will have to explain for my loved ones later as lies

Lies Lies Lies 

My scaly inhabitant has turned me into a liar 

betraying those I love to feed her insatiable desire 

as she grows my body shrinks reduced to nothing but a shell of my former self 

Nothing but a doll to reassure my parents that I am still happy, ok, alive 

But even they start to doubt as the shadows deepen under my sunken eyes 

as my skin yellows and becomes so thin it is almost translucent 

Somewhere inside me wants to stop the behavior 

kill this monster so ingrained into my brain I don't know where I end and she begins 

But how?

How do I stop when she and her deadly whispers are all I have come to know 

I want to tear her from my skin 

bathe in acid till she is burned from inside me 

And so I imagine 

Create a future where the monster is slain

I am happy and have filled the spot where she once clung to 

with thoughts of inspiration and joy 

This beautiful angel, this wonderful hope is what helps me to climb from this well 

Now I can almost see it shining just out of my reach 



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