When I was a child I was told that my life would be beautiful as I got older, I would be happy and to be honest that’s not too far from the truth. At least I was happy. Now, I am going to die. There is nothing happy about that. I wish that I could be shot in the head because that death would be quicker than this one. I had gotten into a severe car accident and the drunk driver that hit me had walked away without a scratch, whereas I was sitting in this hospital bed rotting away. I couldn’t leave and the pain was excruciating. Something I never thought I would ever have to bear. They give me pain killers but it does little to stop the pain. I can get up and walk around that’s fine, but I can’t leave. I feel like I am stuck in reverse, there is no going forward with my life just backwards.
“How you doing, darling?” my nurse Jacki asked, her British accent was strong and she had a bright smile on her face. It was her job to make us as comfortable and happy as we could be. “Fine, despite the fact I am dying and all.”
Jacki frowned at my pessimistic attitude. “I know it sucks, babe. It’s hard to be happy, I couldn’t even imagine what I would do if I was in your position. I mean you’re so young!” – She noticed my frown and quickly changed the subject – “How about a walk? Wont’ that make you feel better we can get you pizza, I know you love pizza.”
I shook my head and continued on with my next question, “Have my parents called?” I was hopeful, my parents use to come every day to see me then they got busy with work again and it was like I was at the back of their mind. I was their only child and I was dying. Yet they still managed to find refuge in their work leaving me completely and utterly alone.
“How about that walk?” she said avoiding the question. I didn’t really feel like going for a walk, the hospital was depressing. But it would beat staying here. I walked over to the window wrapping my exposed, pale arms around my body. I looked out the window, it was sunny and a lot of people were outside. Living their life’s being happy while I was stuck inside this dreadful hospital never to get better. Never to live a life full of happiness and joy.
“Fine.” I mumbled under my breath before turning around. Jacki smiled and hurried to fetch my jacket from the coat hanger. I pulled my arm through my sleeve, soon my once exposed shoulders were now covered with my black jacket.
My fingertips were numb, a feeling that I had been feeling for days. It had started to spread, first it started at the tips of my fingers and now it was engulfing my whole finger. I knew that the moment the numbness had spread throughout my whole body I would be dead, I still had time but not enough time to have a life.
My bare feet made a loud echoing noise as it carefully slapped against the marble floor. Jacki was walking beside me, her long arms resting at her side, ushering me out of the hospital room. She watched me carefully, I didn’t say anything and she made no hint of wanting to start a conversation.
We come near room 408, I am not allowed in their or to even be near it. No one is, only the doctors and nurses, I’ve heard rumors about a boy staying in there, and that he was really aggressive. I’ve also heard that he had hurt a nurse and caused her to resign.
“You’ve been out enough come on let’s go back.” Jacki said looking at me patiently making an abrupt stop. We were outside room 402 right now. It was empty, waiting for its next victim, waiting to steal another life away. I shake my head, “I don’t want to.”
That was the truth, I didn’t. I wanted to keep walking. I wanted to know, I needed to know the truth. For once I was tired of being left in the dark. Jacki groaned. “Come on, we do not have time, if he sees you I could get into lots of trouble.” Jacki pleaded looking at me distress cracking in her voice.
“If who sees me? Is it the boy in room 408?” I asked innocently. “Yes, now let’s go. Please, Darling.” If it was really that big of a deal who was I to get in the way. I wasn’t anybody special. Maybe that’s why god had decided that this would be my fate. That I would die because I wasn’t anybody special, but that’s not entirely fair, everyone dies.
I let Jacki lead me back to my room, my fingers touch the wooden sign next to the door. My long, bony fingers trace the golden numbers, 358. We hadn’t even been gone for that long, and the truth was, I really, really wanted to go on another walk. I don’t care where, I just wanted to go somewhere new.
I pulled open the door, the one I had yet to call mine. Somehow it felt if I did it would become official, maybe if I kept seeing this room, the person in the mirror, as someone else and someone else’s then maybe it would belong to someone else. You should never wish something this horrific on someone, I knew that but, yet I was still standing here wishing that I wasn’t the one dying.
My legs were hurting and I wanted to lay down so I took off my jacket – without Jacki’s help – and climbed into bed. I laid my head against the pillow, my back was propped up and I was facing the T.V. I still had yet to explore the many channels that the hospital has to offer.
I reached out and grabbed my book, the book I had been reading over and over again. It wanted it to be the last book I read, I wanted this book, out of all the others to hold some special meaning. It was called, Maybe One Day. It’s about two best friend’s that do everything together and love ballet, their names are, Olivia and Zoe. Olivia gets diagnosed with cancer and it’s an incredibly beautiful story.
I hadn’t realized it, but I was actually exhausted, I hadn’t slept much last night considering the fact that my shoulder was killing me. I felt my eyes flutter shut, opening and closing, each time my eye closed and reopened it got heavier, it was as if I was to week to open my eyes. Soon I didn’t bother to reopen my eyes.
All I could see was a blinding white light, my seat belt was strapped over my shoulder and my arms were gripping the steering wheel tightly. I was a very careful driver, I had never gotten into an accident until now. But that wasn’t my fault was it?
I could open my eyes, and all I could feel was pain. The kind of pain you could scream about and never stop because it hurts so bad, it was as if screaming would be the relief to this pain but nothing came. Nothing at all.
I woke up breathing hard, my head spinning as I recalled the night I had lost everything. I was winded but not because of the dream, but because I had let this thing take power over me. Death was controlling me and I was spending the rest of my days feeling sorry for myself.
The way I see it, is I have two options. I can lay here and get on with dying, or I could get up and get on with living.