Suicidal Thoughts{Finished}

My hand started to shake as I raised the tip of the gun to my temple. I quickly found a pencil, all of the pre-written suicide notes came to my mind, pages and pages say who exactly made me feel this way- but only a few words were written; I love you, Luke.



4. 4

Chapter 4

I stayed relatively silent for the rest of the time we were there. I only spoke when someone decided to have a real conversation with me. Luke kept giving me a look, that kind of asked how I was doing, but I just pretended like I didn't see it. Then, he would keep trying to get me alone so he could talk to me, but I would just go back to where the others were before he could get a word out. We all sat at Ashton's kitchen table either talking about our favorite Avenger or about celebrities. I didn't really take part in the conversation just fake smiled or listened, really.

"Hey, what do you guys want for lunch?" Ashton asked, moving through the fridge.

Everyone began naming off random food items that I did not want anything to do with. "Pizza?" he just concluded, looking at the rest of us.

I stayed on my phone, scrolling through twitter and wishing I was still in bed. I really didn't want to do anything, just lay there with only Luke's touch. I didn't want to speak, but I didn't want to sleep. I sighed softly, beginning to sit criss cross on the chair. I played with the tips of my hair, trying to be preoccupied in anything but the people around me.

"Ariana," Michael said from across the table, earning my attention.

I raised an eyebrow, sitting regularly. "Ashton has video games upstairs...wanna go play?" he asked, knowing I was probably bored out of my mind.

I laughed softly, nodding and getting out of the chair. I followed after Michael, watching him walk up the stairs in his Hawaiian print swim trunks. He turned around and pouted, realizing I was making fun of him. I stuck my tongue out, trying to get past him and into the game room. But, before I could react, his flung me over my shoulder and hit his fists against his chest.

"No one makes fun of my swim shorts!" He yelled, tickling my sides at the same time.

I screamed out, hitting my fists against his back, "Michael!" I laughed, and this had been for the first time in a very long time.

He seemed to know just what I needed, exactly when I needed it. Once he stopped spinning I heard Hannah say my name. Once Michael set me down, he tried to drag me away from the staircase. I yanked my arm away, lingering at the top. I pulled my knees to my chest, listening intently.

"What do you mean by that?" I heard Calum's voice.

"Ariana, it's not going do you any good to listen," Michael murmured settling down next to me after he realized that he couldn't get me to leave.

I shushed him, hearing Hannah's voice again. "I mean like she doesn't even fucking talk to anyone, besides, she upstairs playing video games with Michael, she's a girl, she's not supposed to do that kind of stuff, it's like she’s a fucking guy, okay." she scoffed.

"What's wrong with video games?" It was Ashton's voice this time, "I wish you would play with me," he joked, trying to lighten the mood.

"Okay, then what about not going swimming? Like it's not that hard to put a damn bathing suit on." I heard her ask, disgust evident in her voice. "And don't you say she doesn't have one because everyone in this part of Australia is bound to have one." Hannah said, "She's just a freak, that's all I'm saying."

So I heard Ashton and Calum's voice, but not my own boyfriends? He didn't even stick up for me. I just pushed this all aside and stood up.

"See, I told you Ariana," Michael murmured giving my hand a light squeeze. "But you're none of those things, okay?" he said, stopping to look me in they.

I shrugged sighed lightly, avoiding his gaze and ripping my hand out of his and walking into the gaming room. I picked up a remote and put FIFA in.

"Are you coming or not?" I asked, looking out into the hall way where Michael had been standing.

"Look, Aria-"

"No, shut up and play FIFA before I start without you." I snapped, not wanting to hear I was none of that when I totally was.

He didn't say anything, but grabbed the remote besides me and started to play. The rest of the time was basically silent, just us making noises at the television for losing or winning. We were totally in our world, forgetting the people beyond the door of the room. We didn't even notice Luke walking in until he moved in front of the TV. Michael jumped up, pushing him out of the way.

"Man!" he yelled, throwing his arms in the air, "She won because you."

I raised my eye brow, "Nuh-uh" I laughed, "I won because I'm better than you," I smiled.

Luke just smiled at the two of us, which made me frown. Why was he so happy after not defending his girlfriend like he should have?

"The pizza's here..." his voice trailed off as he made eye contact with me.

Michael realized that Luke probably wanted to speak with me privately so he made his way down the stairs. Luke moved close to me, sitting down next to me. We sat in silence for the longest time, neither of us bothering to break the silence. I didn't know how to, though, he was the one who wanted to talk to me. I leaned on his body, his fingers making their way into mine. I hadn't realized how much I had missed his touch until the butterflies arose back in my stomach.

"You know, I was thinking... Ariana," fear stroked in my stomach, no no no, I could already tell where this was going.

"Umm w-what do you mean you were thinking?" I asked, trying my damn hardest to keep my voice from shaking and most likely my whole body.

"Well... you don't really seem to have interest in me anymore..." his voice faded away as he suddenly became very interested in the carpet.

"Th-That's n-not true," I murmured softly. "It kind of seems the other way around..." I whispered, clinging on his hand for dear life.

We sat in a deathly silence for another five minutes, my hand squeezing his tightly as if as soon as I let go he'd disappear. The feeling of pain in my stomach as my nose started to burn and my eyes started to blur up with the formation of my first tears. The first rolls down my cheek and stops at my jaw line before dropping down onto my shirt. Others follow getting faster and hotter. My eyes start to go red and puffy and my lips are getting swollen. I sat there thinking what did I do wrong? I tried to hide my tears, but I couldn't hide my sobs.

Luke was trying to calm me, telling me things would be okay. I pushed him away, though, "You fucking inconsiderate cunt!" I screamed at his face, blubbering like a baby.

He, against my will, wrapped me in a hug, holding me tight. I cried into his shirt, holding onto him like it was the last time I'd ever see him again. Hell, it probably could have been.

"P-Please do-don't leave m-me," I cried harder, hating to cry in front of anyone, especially Luke.

He didn't say anything, and I took that as he was going to, "but maybe we do need a break, darling," he whispered after my sobs had calmed down.

I pulled away from him, "A break?" I murmured, wanting to leave his touch now. "L-Like you can date others during this 'break' of ours?" I asked, and he slowly nodded. "H-How lo-long is the break?" I whispered.

"Until we start loving each other again."

"You mean until you start loving me again, right?" I asked, choking back a sob.A/N: sorry that this chapter is a bit shorter than the others... I just really wanted to leave a cliff hanger :D

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