Suicidal Thoughts{Finished}

My hand started to shake as I raised the tip of the gun to my temple. I quickly found a pencil, all of the pre-written suicide notes came to my mind, pages and pages say who exactly made me feel this way- but only a few words were written; I love you, Luke. * TRIGGER WARNING *

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21. 19

(Don't kill me!! *hides behind Michael* there's only 2 more chapter left!)

Chapter 19

I gaped at myself, at her phone, at what I had just done. I just deleted this boys' suicidal pleas from the only person, according to him, that ever mattered. I was horrible, totally repulsive. Even though I highly doubt this boy was going to do any harm to himself, it was her phone. She should have been able to decide whether or not she wants the voice mail, or the texts. But, I had to. I had to protect her from what would ultimately kill her. She didn't need another reason to put herself down, or another reason not to recover. I wish I could just say the right things, let her know that I want her, I need her. He told Ariana in the voice mail that she was still in love with the person that hurt her most. The thing that kept me from bouncing off the walls and cheering for dear life was the last part.

The person that hurt her most.

According to the cuts and scars that littered her arms and thighs, he was right. My hamartia was something I always pondered, I always thought that maybe it was my clinginess. After Ariana and I, I started to think that maybe it was my lack of emotion. That doesn't make sense either, though, because I always told her I loved her. I did, too, I loved her from the tip top of her head down her her pretty little toes.

I, Luke Hemmings, was so deeply, wholeheartedly, fully and completely, in love with Ariana Queens, because that's all I'd ever be.

Ariana's pov

I started to wake up when we pulled into their hotel parking lot. Michael and Ashton still looked knocked out, but Calum watched me a little bit. I gave him a sleepy smile, then realized that I had slept in his lap.

"Oh... sorry," I mumbled quietly, a yawn interrupting anything else I had to say.

"No problem, Ari," He told me, giving me a warm smile and a squeeze to the hand.

What was with that? Did I look like I needed reassurance, or pity of some sort? Or maybe Calum was trying to use it as an excuse to touch me more? It didn't look like he liked me that much anymore, but I guess it really didn't matter anymore. But I still felt the need to find that out.

"Hey, Cal?" I murmured, seeing as it was early in the morning and we wanted Michael and Ashton to be rested.

"Mmm?"

"Everything's okay, right? Like between us and.. stuff?" I asked him nonchalantly, not wanting to give him the wrong idea.

Five years ago I would have killed for this life. Maybe not all the aspects, but I was dating my fave, and then I had a close relationship with the rest of the band. Never meeting Luke, and still being in love with him would hurt ten times worse than the worst he's made me feel. Which, is pretty low.

He was loving boyfriend, don't get me wrong, but I'm afraid his fatal flaw, his harmatia, was his constant oblivion. He was oblivious to everything in front of him. It could be okay in some moments, but there was other times when I needed him, but he didn't think anything of it. Sometimes, when I'd rather suffer in silence, it was good when he didn't know anything. But when all I wanted to do was feel his skin against mine, to have the aura of safety engulf me, he was no where to be seen.

"Ariana," Calum's voice shooed away my thoughts, "You're absolutely perfect, breathtaking, but I know my limits. All I want is for you to be happy, and I realize I'm not the boy who can deliver such strong emotion," he told me, taking his hands into mine. "I love you so much, and no amount of pain or rejection is worst hurting yourself over," he spoke this part a bit lower, as to not make it heard by Luke. "You mean a lot to me, in a sister-brother type way."

I nodded, my blush, hopefully, less noticeable. Luke parked the car moments after, then looked back at the two of us.

"Wake Ashton, please?" He asked, then went to wake Michael.

I nodded silently, then gently shook Ashton awake. His eyelashes fluttered open, revealing beautiful hazel-green eyes. The only thing that wasn't so perfect about him at the moment was that his eyes were glued to the large gash on my forearm. It was my most recent, and it had been the worst damage I'd done in awhile. If you looked at it, it looked as if it deserved stitches, and that's why I had warn a cover up. But, it seemed that it had ridden up all the while I was sleeping. Ashton stared at it for a few more seconds, then nodded slightly, obviously a little shaken.

"We're at the um... hotel... and stuff," I murmured the last part a bit quieter.

He nodded, opening the car and motioning an arm to help me out. I gladly took it, grateful to be able to stretch my legs in the sunlight. My hand went to my stomach, feeling warm sun on it. I ever so subtly fixed my top and my shorts. My top had ridden up to show large, short, various white and purple lines across my stomach. I also rearranged my cover up, hiding the worst of my scars.

"Ariana," I heard Luke's voice come from the other side of the car, and I assumed it was for my backpack.

I turned to get it, but I was met with the soft cloth of a tank top and a sturdy, tall boy. I felt arms wrap securely around my body, holding me still. I breathed in the sweet scent of familiar cologne, and my body immediately untensed. With my head against his chest, I felt it rumble as he told the other boys to go away. As my face was totally engulfed in the boy I loved, I started to cry. I could feel the sweet sensation of falling in love all over again. It almost felt as if I was actually falling, but only this time he had caught me. It started as a few tears, but transformed into something far more ugly. I was using his shirt as a dam, so the whole ocean wouldn't flow. I could feel his face bury itself in my hair, he only held on tighter to my body. He tried to pull away, but I clung onto him. I couldn't let him go, not again. I need him and it wasn't until I felt him again that I realized how much I missed being able to be in his arms. Once he tried to pull away again, I was reluctant.

The pads of his thumbs wiped away my tears, and he kissed my forehead.

"I-I love you, Luke," I murmured, tear drops dripping off of my top lip. "I missed you so much," I could feel tears threatening to fall again.

"Shhh, baby," He murmured, taking me by the waist and lifting me ever so slightly off the ground. "I'm here now, there's no need to worry."

Once I was put back on the ground, new tears started to be shed. I was sobbing again, but it was all the pent up loneliness. It was the glances in the mirror, the bitterness and nights I laid in bed, wanting to cry. It was all of the emptiness and the wanting to die. I was sobbing because I missed him so damn much.

Luke grabbed my hand, and gave it a little squeeze. His hands played with my hair, as if to calm me. It was nice, because when he was paying attention, he did all the right things. He knew not to speak, because that'd only upset me more. He knew all I'd ever need was his presence and his body against mine.

After I stopped hiccuping, and my breathing was even, Luke brushed the hair out of my face and spoke, "are you okay?" he asked me.

I nodded my tear streaked face up and down, "I'm okay."

Luke bent down and kissed my cheeks, twiddling with the ends of my hair. "You're so beautiful," he whispered into my ear, sending a few shivers down my back that only he could produce. "You're so lovely," his lips tickled my skin as he kissed my temple. "You're absolutely good enough."

For the first time in years, I felt okay. I knew I wasn't, but I could pretend. I felt better than I did when I first recovered. But I knew the feeling of being okay never lasted for long, so I tried not to get too attached to the feeling.

"I guess we should head up?" I sniffled, entwining my fingers with his.

"Yeah, I bet we held up the boys," he chuckled lightly, squeezing my hand like he'd lose me in seconds.

He locked the car, and carried my bag to the lobby of the hotel. Michael was asleep on one of the chairs, but we saw no one else. I smiled, thinking they probably left him to wait for us.

"Michael," I murmured, shaking his shoulder.

"Hmm??"

"Wake up," I laughed softly.

"Oh, Ariana, he's you and Luke's key thingy..." he murmured as he was quickly drifting back to sleep.

I rolled my eyes, then tried to yank him out of the chair. It wouldn't be long before fans showed up to wait for them, and these boys, especially Luke, needed their rest. He finally woke up enough to realize that Luke and I were holding hands. He smiled, and gave me sly look.

"Just get up and go to the room," I said smugly, too happy to be angry at his stupid looks.

Luke was telling me about the rooming situation on the ride in the elevator. The hotel didn't have anymore suits, or large rooms, so they got a bigger room, that would only fit three of the boys, and a regular room for Luke and I. He figured that if we didn't work out, he'd just have Calum in his room, and I would have been stuck with Ashton and Michael.

Luke led me to our room, and undressed down to his boxers. He immediately went under the covers. I turned off the lights, and got under the covers next to him. I slipped off my clothes, but only under the covers. Then, I reached over to Luke's bag and got a shirt from it, and slipped it over my head. I snuggled up to his body leaving a few kisses on his arm. I loved his arms, his neck, his legs, his eyes, his everything because now it was mine. He knew it, too, he seemed happier.

"I like it when I'm with you," I murmured, feeling his body shift towards me. "Because for at least a few minutes, hours, or days, I can forget that I'm not okay."

"I'll try to make you okay again, everything will be okay."

I wanted to believe him, and for a few moments, I did. I believed that he loved me, and that was great because I loved him, too. It felt as if I was finally getting my life in order, I was finally with the boy I loved.

"Darling," Luke whispered, our legs mingling with each other. "Addiction is tricky. For example; a man who quit smoking for fifteen years spent fifteen seconds in an elevator with a man smoking a cigarette. He gave in. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think I love you again."

I let the sound of his voice lull me to sleep, and his body untensed only minutes after. The boys knocked on our door at noon, telling us to meet them at the pool in half an hour. I internally high fived myself, I hadn't brought a swim suit. That was a easy, free pass to not reveal my body. I got up to go change, but Luke grabbed my waist and pulled my body against his. My back was against his chest. He put his head on my shoulder and lightly kissed my neck.

"You're so beautiful to me," he murmured, his fingers trailing down the sides of my stomach. Then, he lifted the hem of the shirt I was wearing, and kissed my stomach. I did what felt right; sucked in. "I wish I could kiss every inch of you, but that would take too long," he mumbles against my skin sadly.

I laugh lightly, kissing his nose and covering my body once more. "Noooo," he whispered tiredly. "Don't cover up what I love most." He removed the shirt from my head, but I struggled to keep it on.

"Luke. Please, stop," I whined, reaching for it, but he had already tossed it aside.

"Don't cover yourself up any longer, because there's nothing I hate most than you to being able to love yourself."

I kissed his jaw line, then distanced myself a little, "You have to get more sleep, babe,"I murmured, "You didn't get to sleep at all last night."

He kissed behind my ear and willed for me to get closer, "Just co'mere," he murmured, so I did as he said.

He brought my bare back to his chest once more, and that's how he fell asleep. His arms were wrapped around my waist, stroking my stomach and my thigh. I couldn't sleep any longer, but I stayed silent, letting our heart beats sync into one.

There was a knock at the door, at four, so I got up. I peeked my head out, seeing Ashton.

"Oh, hello," I said softly, hoping he couldn't see that I was not in that much clothes.

"You guys never made it to the pool," He said, smiling.

"Luke was still tired, so I let him sleep."

"Oh, okay, well tell him he has to be in the lobby in 3o, we have to rehearse and get to the venue."

I nodded, and we bid good byes. I shut the door, then looked over at my sleeping Luke. I decided to wake him up after I got dressed, wishing he could sleep for as long as he needed.

I cleaned up, and put on minimal make up. I changed into this outfit, deciding not to use my other one just yet. Once I left the bathroom, Luke had fifteen minutes to get ready, so I shook him awake. He mumbled fluttering his eyes open.

"You're needed in the lobby in fifteen," I whispered, turning on the lights.

He looked me up and down, then nodded, "Of course."

He glanced at the time, then went to the bathroom. I checked my phone, finding no missed calls, nor texts. I sighed lightly, needing to know what was going on with Dillon. Though, something told me that he just needed to be on his own right now. I began to get up, but my ringtone started to go off. My eyebrows knitted together as an unknown number lit up the screen.

I answered it within the second ring, "Hello?"

"Hi, this is Kathy from Auburn Hospital, I'm calling today to talk to you about Dillon Peters, who had you as the top emergency call."

My voice caught in my throat, "Excuse me?"

The lady repeated her self, then asked me if I wanted to speak to him. I vigorously nodded, but then realized she couldn't see.

"Yes, please."

"Okay, we'll forward you through,"

There was a ring tone that seemed to go on forever. Then it stopped, so I assumed it he was on the other end.

"Hello? Dillon?" My voice rose to a high pitch sound, it always did when I was nervous.

"Ariana?" He sounded confused, tired and sad. "Why didn't you ever text me back?" his voice cracked, and I could hear him crying through the phone.

"Babe, you never texted," I whispered, trying to find words to say.

"I-I called you, last night. I l-left a message. Listen, Ariana, I thought you at least cared enough to prevent me from trying to kill myself."

Tears pricked my eyes for a moment, but I had to swallow the lump that formed in my throat of the coarse of three seconds.

"It feels like everyone hates me and that's okay, because I hate me too."

"No, no, no, no, Dillon, I love you, please don't say stuff like that."

"I need to accept that you've moved on and I'm not an important person in your life anymore. I wish I could've accepted it quicker, because I miss you like hell, and even though you just left, it feels like years. I can't even describe how much I love you, but last night I knew that no life was worth living if you weren't in it. And, it doesn't even feel like I'm drowning anymore, my arms are tired and my legs have given up. I decided to not even try to save myself now, and I don't think anyone else is either; this isn't drowning this is sinking and I swear to god if I go down no one is coming with me. I want this, I've always wanted this. But it seems as if I needed a wake up call, how the hell do I expect anyone to care about me if I'm nothing?"

"Dillon," I choked out, trying to interrupt him, but it did't work.

"Ariana, do you realize that I can't even remember the last time I did something that made me really happy? Sure, I do drugs, but that just fills the emptiness that has engulfed me. I can't remember the last night I didn't want to cry myself to sleep. I can't remember the last time I looked in the mirror and was happy with what I saw. That I didn't cringe away and have thoughts about punching the damn mirror."

"I can't remember the last time I was a first choice to someone."

There was silence, and I was trying to find something to say. I was also trying to put together the pieces of how I didn't get the messages.

"Wait, Dillon, when you did you text me and call me?"

"Around midnight, but what does that-"

The wheels started to turn in my mind. Cal, Ash and Michael were all sleeping along side me. The only person in the car who was awake was Luke. Frankly, he was the only one in the car who had a motive. I told him was a douche, which, apparently, I wasn't mistaken.

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck."

"What?" He grumbled, still sounding sad.

"Luke."

Almost as quickly as it started, it was over.

We were over.

A/N:

TWO MORE CHAPTER OH MY GOD THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH I NEVER THOUGHT THIS WOULD EVER HAPPEN.

I LOVE YOU GUYS A LOT, PLEASE NEVER FORGET THAT. IF YOU EVER FEEL SAD, OR NEED SOMEONE, HERES MY TWITTER:

Sydneyxox0

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