Suicidal Thoughts{Finished}

My hand started to shake as I raised the tip of the gun to my temple. I quickly found a pencil, all of the pre-written suicide notes came to my mind, pages and pages say who exactly made me feel this way- but only a few words were written; I love you, Luke. * TRIGGER WARNING *

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12. 12

Chapter 12

Now he wakes up, my mind raged. Now, not when his lips were exploring skin that didn't belong to him, not when he was spilling all of his thoughts to who he thought was his best friend. No. He had to wake up now. The outline of Luke disappeared as the door slammed behind him. I stared at Calum, his eyes showing surprise. I looked back at him, my cheeks getting wet with the first sign of tears. I wasn't crying because I had kissed Calum, I wasn't crying because Luke had just seen.

I was crying because I no longer wanted to run after Luke.

I stood up, moving over to the door. Instead of leaving, I just switched on the light. I leaned against the door, watching as Calum ran a few fingers through his black hair. He stayed where he was for a long time, his head in his hands as he sat on the edge of the bed. I made no move to yell at him, or get angry. I knew it was an accident, or was it? He was whole heatedly in love with me. Was it really just a coincidence he kissed me?

"Calum?" I whispered after a moment, earning his attention. "I know about... your feelings."

"Feelings?" He asked, looking baffled. Maybe I wasn't clear enough. "What fee- no. No, no, no," he began rambling words that I couldn't quite understand.

He came close to me, taking my hands in his. I stood there, not knowing what he was doing. He kept my right hand clasped in his left while his right hand caressed my cheek. He fingers danced along the ugly bruise.

"You may not be society’s idea of perfect, but you're sure as hell my idea of perfection."

My face twisted in pain, but not because of his touch, but because there was so much hurt inside. I probably looked like an ugly crier at the moment, but that was the last of my problems. Calum kissed my forehead, letting me cry into his chest. It was a lovely feeling, but it was not the boy I wanted to hold me. Everything was off, and I didn't care to change it. I wanted Luke, but something in me told me that I didn't need him. I wanted him to hold me, but I needed him to leave. I wanted him to love me, but I needed him to hate me. I knew that I couldn't ruin his life like I ruined my own.

Besides, he wanted a break for a while now. It was time I'd give him one.

"Calum, take me home please."

He nodded, moving the hair from my face. "Get in the car, I'll grab your coat and tell Lu-"

"No," I said, "Don't tell him, please."

Calum stared at me for the longest time, before slowly nodding along. "O-Okay..."

"He doesn't need to know that I'm leaving, we're on a break." I shut my door behind me, locking it. I slipped my heels off, my head ache still present. I walked up the stairs, stripping down of my clothes and putting one of Luke's t shirt paired with sweat pants. I didn't feel tried anymore. I feel so empty because there's nothing left in me to keep trying to save my relationship. He obviously doesn't want me in his life, but I don't blame him. I wouldn't either.

The saddest part was that I actually felt happy for a while. I had finally felt okay. Why did anyone believe I was getting better, though? Luke did, my parents, Calum, even me. I knew what I would sink back into my demonic self. Now, I'm bad again. I am worse than before and any hope that I had left, is gone.

I closed my eyes with the thought that I could never wake up. I fell asleep to the sound of knocking, phones ringing. I fell asleep to the sound of a lullaby; my tears.

I woke up in a daze, unsure of where I was and why I was there. Tears and makeup stained my pillow. I sucked in a large breath, sitting up. I looked around my bedroom. I saw a mess of things, but nothing too wrong. The scent of Luke was strong on the Blink- 182 shirt I was wearing. I rolled out of bed, searching for my phone in the clutter of clothes on my floor. Once I located it, I saw the time. It was one in the afternoon, with about sixteen missed calls and 38 messages. I glanced at the most of them; only one text and one call from Luke. The rest were from my mother and Michael. I texted my mom back, telling her sorry that I left without telling her. Then, I scrolled through the messages Michael left me. I texted him back, asking when they were leaving for tour.

I sighed softly, knowing I had nothing else to do with my life. The one text from Luke only said 'So this break thing is on, right?' I didn't text him back, though. Getting over him was probably the hardest thing I'd ever do in my life, because no matter how much he hurt me there was nothing I wouldn't do to be able to crawl back into his arms again. I didn't want to need him; I didn't want to want him. Everything in me told me not to chase after him, so I hadn't. But what if that was the biggest mistake of my life? Turns out the biggest mistake of Luke's life was dating me.

I walked down the stairs, moving towards the kitchen. I hadn't made a full meal in a week, but I was living. I made myself a glass of coffee, scrolling through my twitter. Nothing too horrid, they were usually nice to me. I loved his fans almost as much as he did; they were always so lovely. Any bad comment was usually shot down by another fan. I saw a bunch saying happy birthday to him, still. I retweeted a couple of tweets that were talking about how cute Luke looked at the party last night.

I finished the cup of coffee, setting it at the base of my sink. That's when a peculiar tweet caught my eye. 'Is Luana still on or?' and a picture was attached of him and another girl in front of his parents’ house holding hands. It looked like they were heading to his car, possibly to go home. It was defiantly from last night. I bit my lip, responding to it. 'are we? @/luke5sos

He must have been waiting near for me to ask that, since I got a reply within a minute of mentioning him. 'that's the same question I asked when I saw Calum practically eating your face last night.' I gaped at the tweet, wondering why he was being so harsh and mean. It's not like I hadn't made his dream come true. He was free of me; he didn't have to rub it in. I was about to reply to that, before I realized he already deleted it. I sighed, deleting my last tweet that mentioned him.

His contact flashed across my screen, I didn't waste time pressing the accept button.

"Hello?" I answered, holding it to my ear.

"Yeah, hey, are we on a break, or is it longer?"

"Longer, I guess," I mumbled the words, one half of me hoping we'd talk longer so I'd be able to hear his voice, and the other half hoping to get it over with like ripping a band aid off. My hands shook as I spoke, my face was beginning to feel warm and I could literally feel my heart ripping into tiny little pieces to never be put back together.

"Great."

"Great?"

"Great that I don't have a girlfriend, I'm free."

"Great?" I asked once again, the word getting caught in my throat.

"Listen, Ariana, we've all done things we weren't proud of. I understand that. I know nobody's perfect, but... you've got to understand how cowardly it is to have this fascination with suicide. It's selfish for you to think I won’t suffer; even now. We may be done but anything you do to yourself will always affect me. Your first love always sticks with you, even after I begin to love other people. I will always be grateful to say that you were my very first love, but I know I'll never be lucky enough to call you my last."

"That's bullshit." I snapped, disregarding the last part. "It's more selfish to expect someone to go through life feeling like shit, than to commit suicide. You telling me this shows you have not one understanding of what it's like. You were the only thing keeping me from exchanging the necklace around my neck with a noose. It's not my duty to keep you happy whilst they go through hell, you fucking moron. What's cowardly is causing someone to consider taking their own life."

The was a long silence on the other side of the line. I had to check and see if he was still there, before I continued to speak. "Put up a fucking fight for what you love and, God, I hope you choke on the shit you speak."

I ended the call, knowing he probably had nothing to say to that. Even if Luke and I were split up, it didn't mean he could stop me with hanging out with the people I loved. Well, I knew Michael didn't hate me and Calum, but that was a whole different story. Ashton was totally out of the picture, I barely talked to him. But, Michael, he couldn't keep me away from Michael.

I called him up, him answering on the first ring. "Michael."

"Hey, Ar, you okay?"

"Yeah, totally..." I 'hm'ed a little bit and shrugged, although he couldn't see me.

"You wanna come over for cookies and Pokemon?" he laughed softly, slight pity evident in his voice.

"Of course," I grinned, ending the call.

It was weird; I could feel happy and cheerful, alive. I could feel as if I didn't need Luke in my life, that things are better. But who the hell am I fooling? I feel like I'm drowning in air. That there's so much heaviness that I cannot breathe. It's like my lungs are collapsing on themselves and I'm fighting with the things that are keeping me alive. I want to be done, I want to give up. But all I can think about are Luke's words.

We may be done but anything you do to yourself will always affect me.

a/n:

I wanted to thank you for all the hearts I have.

I never thought I would get over 300,

let alone 10. So thank you so so so so so so so so so so much

I love you guys lots and I'll try to update more often :)

also ( comment ) do you like Calana or Luana better? :))

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