Suicidal Thoughts{Finished}

My hand started to shake as I raised the tip of the gun to my temple. I quickly found a pencil, all of the pre-written suicide notes came to my mind, pages and pages say who exactly made me feel this way- but only a few words were written; I love you, Luke. * TRIGGER WARNING *

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11. 11

Chapter 11

I woke up on the couch, hearing shouting come from the kitchen. Pure curiosity drove me to sit up, just a little. I squinted as I saw Luke on the phone.

"No, I'm positive, we do not need an ambulance, just tell me what I should do!" His tone was impeccably impatient.

His eyes traveled back to where he had laid me on the couch. I faintly heard voices on the other end of the phone before Luke said a short 'bye' and hung up.

"Oh, baby," he murmured bending down next to me on the couch. "I'm so sorry," he said, shaking his head.

Tears were quick to swell up in his eyes, making it harder than ever to stay mad at him. "No, no don't be," I whispered hoarsely, scooting towards where the cushion met cushion.

I motioned for Luke to join me, my body curling into his slender one. I was able to lay my head on his chest, only cringing lightly. He rubbed my back a little. I could hear his heart beat slow down as he calmed down. We laid together for a long while, neither of us making a move to change that. I could feel weariness boring into my bones.

"Luke," I whispered, keeping my body pressed close to his.

"Hm?"

"Tell me what you hate about me."

I could feel the tension rising, the way his body tensed up as the words left my lips. "Nothing."

However, his voice was anything but completely positive. "No, stop," I said, "I know there's things you don't particularly like, you hadn't even finished your list of shit when I interrupted."

"I like the slight slouch in the way that you stand, how your lips curl when you smile, they way you reach for my hand. I like the way that you talk and your velvety voice. I like the way you stick with me like you have no choice. I like you perfume, and the clothes that you wear. I like you hands and the feel of you hair. I like how you kiss me, and the way that you grin.

"There are so many things I love about you; why focus on the things that I 'don't particularly like'?"

I let out a exasperated sigh, knowing I'd never get him to tell me more than what I had stopped him to. I was a monster, I'd change that. But I couldn't promise I could change that fact I love suicide. It's not the fact that I would romanticize it; it's the fact that it's the only known way out for me right now. I let the subject for, for now. Then, I remembered the date. It was Luke's birthday, and we had a party to get to.

I sat up, swinging my legs over his. "C'mon," I said, taking his hand in mine. "We have a 'surprise' party to get to."

Luke sat up, letting out a breath. I saw his eyes travel to the side of my head, concern held deep within the blue of his irises. "Yeah, yeah, we have about thirty minutes til..."

I nodded, and pushed a piece of hair behind my ear. "Your parents house is like thirty minutes away, we should get going."

"It's my surprise party, it doesn't start til I walk in."

I rolled my eyes, and stood up. I buttoned up my thick peacoat, and walked to the mirror in the hallway. Luke was hot on my trail, almost eating his lip whole. Once I looked in the mirror, I realized why. Besides of the fact that I look totally horrid in the dress; my face was jacked up. I guess I was out long enough for a horrible bruise to form. My finger tips gently glided over the damaged skin. I felt myself began to shake again; what was I going to tell people? I knew my parents would be there, famous people would be there. Paparazzi would be there. I took one last look at myself, then prepared myself to lie to Luke.

"Lets get going."

"We really don't have to."

The little argument that caused me to fall back came back to my mind. He told me that he did everything for me to love myself. Then, he called me a few things. Like, a monster. A suicide enthusiast (maybe not exactly, but close enough). I really did plan to change everything he hated about me. But first, we'd have to do this break thing he talked about. He seemed to take it back every time something happened to me. I couldn't let him regret not doing it, again. I wanted him to be happy so much more than I wanted myself to be happy. However, it's not like I even remembered what being happy felt like. Smiling and laughing isn't the same thing. Even though some might mistake it as so, it's nothing of the kind. You can always force yourself to smile and laugh but you can never force yourself to be happy. You can surely trick people into thinking you are. That's exactly what I planned to do to Luke; trick him. He might love me more, now that it seems I love myself. But I will never love myself as much as I love him.

"No, we have to go," I said lightly. I forced the closest thing to an award winning smile, and pecked his lips lightly. "Now, lets go." The ride to the party was silent and meaningless, mostly because I had to think of a lie. I couldn't just possibly say that Luke and I got into a fight, they'd think bad of him. I'm pretty sure Luke was silent because he simply hadn't anything to say. It's not like reassuring me would get him anywhere; he seemed to know that. He seemed to recognize the pattern between the two of us and was shocked when I wasn't cutting my self raw. I figured if anyone was rude enough to ask about it, I'd tell them I just had one of my clumsy spells. It's nothing they wont be able to digest.

Luke did the normal 'good boyfriend' stuff; opening and closing the door for me, 'ladies first'. Right as we entered the house, the boys of One Direction all greeted us. I hadn't seen them in a long, long while. I'm sure Luke stayed in touch with them, but I barely knew them. The only time I had actually had a full on conversation with one of them was the last show of the tour Luke and his band opened up for them. I knew that Zayn was engaged, most likely married to the lovely Perrie by now. I wasn't sure about Harry or Niall, but Louis and Eleanor got engaged and Liam was stuck in the middle of two young ladies. I believe their names were Sophia and another girl named Vanessa, who was another girl where he grew up. However, it didn't seem like One Direction brought any of their girls to the party. Fun.

"What have you been up to, Ariana?" Louis asked, seeing as the rest of the band had begun to pair off with Luke's band. Louis was the only one not engaging in much conversation from the lads.

"Nothing really..." I shrugged, suddenly aware of my appearance. Even though their time was dwindling right in front of their eyes, these boys were still considered the biggest boy band on the planet.

Louis made a cringing face, "How'd you get that nasty bruise?"

"Nothing better than a clumsy me," I laughed, then watched the floor as his laughed followed along.

I looked back up when I heard noises coming from the back yard. It sounded like hundreds of people shouting 'surprise', as if Luke didn't already know what lie ahead for him.

"Better get to the party," he smiled, holding one of the french doors open for me.

I walked to Luke's side, stifling a laugh as his mother claimed she told him nothing about the party. Everything seemed perfect, and that's what I hated. Before I had time to start a conversation with his parents, Michael approached me. I pretended to gawk at his new, deep green hair. He bumped my shoulder, getting the idea.

"You know, the more I get to know you, the easier it is to imagine you with out hair," I laughed, my eyes meeting his.

"Hey, later tonight, we should head upstairs to Luke's old room."

"Why, is his old collection of video games up there?" I asked, feeling myself get a little excited for that. Of course, I couldn't just ditch now, but if I felt a bit uncomfortable, I would just drag him up there for company. "Of course, though," I told him, agreeing to his statement.

Michael nodded, then walked off to speak to a few of Luke's friends. I turned back to speak to Luke's parents, and my own.

"Mom, Dad," I smiled, gathering the both of them into a hug. I saw my Dad look at my eye, then back at Luke. "I-It wasn't him," I shook my head, still forcing on that smile. "It's a long story, but it was my fault."

"So you're doing okay?" My Mom asked, seeing as to I was doing okay with Luke.

"Of course, I'm happy," I nodded, that was probably the millionth lie I've told my parents since I moved out.

The conversation began to continue without any of my input. I didn't mind, though. I was fairly used to just sticking to Luke's side and nodding. As a waiter came by, holding a tray of assorted alcoholic beverages, I went for it. I grabbed a Parrot Bay, coconut rum over ice in a tall glass with pineapple juice, and a Pink Mafia, Bacardi apple rum, cranberry juice and pink lemonade over ice. I handed the Parrot Bay to Luke, knowing he liked coconut and tropical tastes. He mumbled a thanks, and went back to talking to his father about.

I mumbled a 'be right back', to my mother, who nodded and said she'd go mingle while I was away. I honestly didn't do much in these parties, and with this horrid bruise, I was sure to come to the conclusion that I would not be doing anything. I walked around, seeing the other boys, Ashton and Harry, and decided to go the other way. I was sure there was more than just the nine of us. As I backed away, I came face to face with Calum. His hands found my waist, anchoring me to the ground so I wouldn't topple backwards.

After a moment, it began to be uncomfortable as my eyes bored into his deep brown ones. His hands still remained on my hips as we stood there, silent. I put my hands on his, hoping he'd get the idea. He still didn't. There was a longing look in his eyes. Was he intoxicated?

"Calum," I cleared my throat, my hands fumbling with his fingers. "What are you doing?" my voice seemed exhausted, which I was.

I wasn't prepared for a snarky comment, or unthought about words thrown my way. I knew he'd say something stupidly, he always managed to.

"You, my dear, ar so completely hung up on trying to be someone that you're not. All those little things that you're afraid to do, or afraid to say, don't be, because how can someone fall in love with you and everything you are if you can't even show them the real you? So, don't be afraid to let the world stare at you in awe, for, I promise, they will love you as much as-" his voice hitched to an octave I didn't think was possible for a boy of his stature. "As much as Luke does."

His eyes went from looking at the ground to my own. He slowly removed his hands from my hips, letting me stand on my own. "Lovely dress..." he mumbled, pushing past me and disappearing into the crowd of people who seemed to miraculously appear there with in minutes.

I stood still, remaining in the spot of grass we had been standing in. My mouth stayed open, unable to accumulate a response. However, it didn't seem like such a big problem now. I brushed it off, thinking that maybe he had a good beer or two. Though, his words still demanded to be heard. I could hear them in the back of my mind, telling me to tell Luke everything I felt. How I thought he was the biggest jackass for commenting about my scars, for not sticking up for me when Hannah was talking shit. For calling me a monster. He could of at least had the decency to say it behind my back.

I walked towards the house, shutting the french doors lightly. I took my coat off, setting it on one of the chairs. I walked around the kitchen, sipping the drink in my hand. I shook hands with a few talk show hosts, commenting on how I loved their show and watched it whenever it was on. I forced on a large smile, letting them know I was happy- and that, despite of the harsh bruise, I was loving life. After a few drinks, I started to few a bit on the bad side. My stomach ached, my head throbbed. I walked back out into Luke's party, hoping to see him in the center of all this attention. I set my current drink down at one of the tables, and asked around. Most of the people said he had just ran into the house.

The party seemed to lag on, and I wanted to tell him I would be asleep in one of the their bedrooms. I shut the doors behind me, as I entered the house. I walked a few steps up the stairs, then took my heels off. I walked up the stairs, holding them by their heels. The first room I saw was practically mine. I walked in, seeing a darker figure laying down on the bed.

"Luke," I breathed out, dropping my shoes onto the floor. "I've been looking everywhere for you," I groaned.

My vision was still very blurry- that's what alcohol and no glasses will do to you. Of course, I wasn't blind. I walked to the bed, almost dropping myself onto the bed. Luke moved, mumbling something in his sleep.

"Shut the door..." his voice was really deep, and I wondered how long he'd been up here for; as far as I was concerned, it only got like that when he spoke just from waking up.

I sighed softly, dragging myself to the door and shutting it lightly. Now the room was pitch black, but that was okay. It wasn't like I was going to do much other than sleep. I looked at my phone, eyes bugging as I saw the time. It was almost three in the morning. Damn, these people could party. I remembered Michael asking to play games a long while ago. I felt bad for not doing it, but it was too late now. I curled up under the covers, next to Luke's sleeping body.

I felt his arms wrap around my waist, spooning me. I smiled tiredly, placing my hands on top of his. His lips began to explore my neck, trailing off my shoulders.

"Luke," I breathed, "I'm tired, stop."

There was no response, as if he was doing this in his sleep. I let it continue, knowing he couldn't go far if I was sleeping. His lips left tingles and sparks as his moved along my skin. His hands slipped underneath my dress, fingering the lace on my panties. I smacked his hand, jumping at the touch. I grabbed my phone and turned on the flash light, to see if he was awake.

My heart stopped in it's place as I was faced to face with a very cute looking boy. It wasn't my boyfriend, nor any of the One Direction boys.

"Calum," I squeaked out, his eyes still closed.

"Lukee" he whined, "do you want to know a secrete?" he whispered, though his voice was kind of mumbled and jumbled together.

"Uhh, sure?"

There was a long silence, as if I was never going to hear the secrete. But now, I wanted to know. "Calum," I whispered again.

"Oh, oh.. yeah... my only regret.. is letting you have ... her.. letting her slip through my fingers tips like... dust. people always tell me... live you life with like no regrets? but how am I supposed to do that, dude?" his voice cracked and whined. Tears streamed down the tan skin of his, down his cheeks. "I hate myself from the tip of my head to the tip of my toes- her existence is tattooed in my brain. Everywhere I look, I'm reminded of her... her eyes... her lips... her voice... and her perfect smile. I wont love her, but I always will. No matter how hard I try she's always there and it's not fair..." The boy sounded so genuinely sad, I felt like someone just kicked a puppy.

"A-and why's that?"

"Because she never even cared."

In that moment I started to bawl. I hit the pillows besides me, trying to wipe the remainder of the tears away. "I c-care Calum, I really do.." I sniffled, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand.

I was beginning to get my self out of the bed, knowing I couldn't stay there any longer. I wondered if Luke knew his best friend had feelings for me. I bent down, giving him a light kiss on the cheek. I felt bad, but I felt worse when the door opened. Light flooded the room as Luke's figure was a silhouette against the hall way light.

Calum lifted his head to see who was there, and that's when our lips met.

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