Emily came and say on my lap, getting right in the way, just as I picked up my sketchbook. Emily was older than me, but still looked great for a sheep dog in her teenage years. An excited Jamie had ring me yesterday with news of the bands new name. I could hear Tony in the background trying to tackle him to get to the phone and I have a suspicion they were a little tipsy as it was 11 at night when they called. Pierce the Veil. I didn't ask why.
I had decided to do them some Fanart. Their name was pretty but didn't have an obvious meaning so my mind was swirling with possibilities of how it could be drawn. So in the end, I made it swirly and pretty, but not girly. Emily occasionally added her input of a hair or a wiggle but other than that she was just a good arm rest.
When I was done I was pretty pleased and sent a copy to Jamie to here his thoughts. I put all the pencils and crayons away before admiring the mess that is my room.
I had one wall covered in band posters of SWS, BMTH and some new O&AM. the wall opposite the window was blue and the others were more grey. I hadn't picked these colours. These were my brothers favourites, but I liked them and they reminded me of him.
3 years and 2 months. And we haven't forgotten. Dad blames Mum leaving on his death. Martha, being a sister, knew him best and says she understands why he did and doesn't blame him considering our Dad.
Just looking at these walls pull out so many memories of him. I got into his music after he left. I tried it out to see why he liked it and I fell in love. The lyrics sometimes felt like he was screaming them at me. Telling me to be strong. And that's how I got through it. Mum just didn't. She left because she was scared. That's what dad said. Scared. Fear.
Fear. Death. Pain. Words.
Fear. Death. Pain. Words.
Scared put scars on my wrists.
I guess we all have different ways of dealing with it.
Nobody knew about my scars. Except my sister. Martha knew, because we helped each other. Not even Hannah knew. But Martha did. And now she's at Uni and I'm alone. I wonder what he would have said.
Dan would you be proud? Would you?
Of all the times I spent screaming your name on a bathroom floor, tears racking my body, blood staining my vision of everything.
Why did you leave me here with just a dog for company?
She is an amazing dog though.
Dad was away on work right now so I just screamed at the top of my lungs to release all of it. Emily looked at me funny and came over to nuzzle into me. You gotta love her.
I wonder what Dan would have done. If he had known he would walk across the wrong road that day, how would he have releasead that stress? Living is really the same as dying. Living is just dying slowly. Would he have cared that his was a but quicker? Would he have done something poetic, like right a song? That would be just like him.
I couldn't do that. I would prefer the notes to describe my thoughts rather than my words.
Pulling me out of my thoughts was the sound of the doorbell. I went down stairs, with the realisation the person waiting would get to see me in my 'just got out of bed look'. Please don't let it be the boys.
"Becca! Fancy seeing you here."
"Jamie, I live here."
"Yeah, moving on. Would you like to come to a theme park with us today? Mike couldn't make it as he is with some blonde. However, we do have the joyous company of Tony Perry and Vic Fuentes. You wanna come?"
"Er, like now?"
"You in, Becca?" Tony asked.
I sighed dramatically before huffing a 'fine'.
After a quick freshen up and a change of clothes I was ready in 10 minutes, which is pretty good for a girl. Just as we were about to leave a voice boomed behind the boys.
"Where do you think you're going?"
"Just out socialising, Dad," I answered coldly, giving a little nod to Jamie to go on ahead to the car.
"Wearing that?" He replied with judgement lacing his voice.
"Won't people laugh?" Did he really just ask that.
"Okay, here's the thing, I don't care what people think so I will never dress for other people." I was starting to get mad, but that wasn't even the worst bit yet.
"What are the scars for then?"
It wasn't even just what he said- how he acknowledged my wrists. It was how he said it- without a care for the fact I did. And what it implied that got me so mad. There just there for attention.
He thought I ran a blade across my wrist because of what other people thought.
Worst bit is, that's not even the worst he's done to me.
Still, words hit as hard as a slap or thump.