Jenna's heart pounded as she past everyone that , fake smile after fake smile. Once she got outside into the quad area, she sat by herself and took out her journal (not the diary she writes in at home, she brings the journal wherever she goes, so if she's at home she writes in the diary).
It's lunch time and I've decided not to eat at school today. There's only two more days until I have to step up my lying game. I feel bad for the guy, he just wants to help me but I'm lying to not only myself, but to the guy I love. I know it's crazy to think that I'm only 16, and in "love" with a senior but, the way it feels to me, I'm pretty sure it's love. What I thought was love in my previous relationship was really all a lie, it was just, like a fiery hell that wrenches your stomach in the worst way possible, but still makes your heart race, and gives you the feeling of flight. I've tried to not let myself think I need a boyfriend, but I feel so lonely. My 2 worst fears are ending up alone and being honest about my feelings. Ironic, huh? I want a boyfriend, yet I don't want to talk about how I feel. It sucks. Especially because honesty is a really important thing in a relationship, and is why my shortest relationships went downhill and ended. The other thing that I think holds me back from boys is how much my ex hurt me. He would beat me just like my real dad did. He gave me the same worthless piece of shit feeling that I had deep down every night and morning. I feel like I'll never be able to express and enjoy love with another guy.
"Hey Jenna." Louis said, causing Jenna to jump and immediately slam her notebook closed. "Are, you alright? You look lighter than usual...." He said as he sat down across from her.
"Uh, yeah I'm fine." Jenna said. She started to play with her fingers as she always does when she's nervous.
"So about Saturday... I was thinking I could pick you up at 6, we'll go have some pizza, then just walk around town?"
"Yeah, that's sounds wonderful!" Jenna said and smiled her famous fake smile, but of course it's only famous to her.
"Great! Well I'll see you later, I have to go."
"Okay, uh bye Louis..." She said. She wanted to tell him not to leave but she didn't want to become too attached.
Later that day Jenna decided to go out and buy a new outfit, even though it was only Thursday. As she was driving to the mall she thought to herself, why am I going to get a fancy outfit, if one this isn't a date, and two we're just gonna go out, eat pizza and walk around in the cold? She sighed and figured she just get something cute and warm. When she pulled into the parking lot, Jenna noticed some of Louis' friends were there.
"Oh God, please don't let them see me." She said to herself. She grabbed her purse and got out of her car, shut the door and locked her convertible. With her luck, she was wearing heels, so the clicking echoed and drew more attention to herself.
"Heeey! Jenny Ramsey?" (Her real name is Jenny, she just prefers to go by Jenna) A voice hollered. She stopped in her tracks and turned around too see one of the boys she didn't want to be noticed by, noticed her.
"Harry?" She asked quietly.
"Yeah! You remember me right?" She thought about it and realized she did.
"Oh yeah!" She said.
"So, what are you doing here?" He asked.
"Oh I uh," Jenna started to panic, he caught her off guard and she didn't know what to say. "I'm just here, I guess." She felt like slapping herself. Dumb ass, who the hell is just at the mall by them self? She thought.
"Oh... Aren't you going on like a date with Lou on Saturday?" He asked. She felt her face becoming warm.
"I, uh, I don't think it's necessarily a date..." She said. Jenna started to fiddle with her fingers like earlier and felt her legs starting to shake.
"Then how come all of a sudden you're going out with him? Are you too seeing each other? Is he, getting some action?" He asked while moving his eyebrows up and down. Jenna started to feel that Louis wasn't being honest with his friends. What if it's really a date but he just didn't say that? She thought.
"No, Harry. He just called me a few days ago and asked if I was free Saturday. We're going out for pizza and going for a walk afterwards..." She knew that wasn't why. She didn't want to be bombarded with questions so she left the part about Louis being concerned about her, out.
"Mhmmm, I guess I'll have to ask the sly dog myself. Anyways it was nice seeing you Jenna." Harry said and winked. Jenna felt another pang in her heart.
"Bye?" She said.
By the time Jenna got home she was exhausted, and successfully got a new outfit. She finished her homework, sat at her desk and got her diary.
So I guess today was okay... I ran into Louis's friends, Harry was the only one I talked to though. He was being weird. I'm really starting to question if Saturday is suppose to be a date. If it is I wouldn't understand why Louis wouldn't just ask me. Then on second thought it can't be. He made it clear that he was he knows I'm "not okay". It's really scary, because it's true. I'm not okay. Everyone just sees the surface. But what they don't see is how I cry myself to sleep almost every night, cut my arms to no end (3 days clean today), sit and have panic attacks, and occasionally starve myself so I can stay the size I am, just to be an "acceptable" size. The worst thing is that I'm so good at hiding all of this. I've only been caught at my worst, once. My old best friend, Isabel heard me crying in a bathroom stall in the 6th grade. At the time I was still in America and was struggling to be happy. I was only 12. My parents were going through a dramatic divorce. The man that's married to my mother now is actually my step dad, but I prefer to call him my father, because in the end he was much more of a father to me than my real dad was. My real dad, who will be from now on be referred to as Dick (his real name is Richard, but as you know Dick is short for Richard, which is great for me) would always beat me, yell at me, and just make me feel worthless. A dad isn't suppose to do that. But of course with my mom being the dumbest dingbat on the planet, she was too ignorant to stop and say, 'hey don't you think there's other ways to raise our child?'. Eventually I became really antisocial towards my family, causing me to start writing in diaries and journals. I feel that now diaries and journals are my closest friends. They're always blank and ready for whatever I have to say, keep all my secrets safe, and keep me sane. Anyways back to my old best friend, Isabel. We lived only 3 houses away from each other, and met when I was 2. I have all our pictures together from when we were really little. We were always together, making a ruckus wherever we went, and she was just one of the best girls I've ever known. Eventually when I had to move I told Isabel that I wouldn't be able to keep up with her and that we'd be better off just saying our last goodbyes. I look back at that now and wish I wasn't so stupid. I need her in my life more than ever. If I could just reverse time and be genuinely happy all the time again, that'd be great. But I'm too paranoid that if I tell one person everything I want to talk about, then everyone will know. I don't want to be transparent, in that everyone would know my whole back story and issues. Isabel was the only person I truly ever trusted, and I don't know that I'll ever be able to feel that way about anyone else.
Jenna flipped her hand all over and cringed at how sore her hand was after writing. It was then she realized her parents weren't home. She got up and walked out of her room.
"Mom? Dad?" She stood at the top of the staircase. No response. She walked up to her brother's door. She put her ear against the door and heard nothing. She opened the door and walked in. When she looked in the bathroom she saw Jerry masturbating in front of his laptop, he was video chatting some girl who was playing with herself as well. She gasped and ran out. She got inside her room and locked her door.
"Oh my God..." She whispered to herself. She couldn't believe what she just saw. Jenna was in complete shock and felt like puking. I have to tell someone, she thought. She grabbed her phone and texted Louis.
To Louis *kiss mark emoji*: Hey, are you busy? He replied a few minutes after.
From Louis *kiss mark emoji*: Kinda. What's up? Jenna hesitated and thought about what he was doing.
To Louis *kiss mark emoji*: This is kinda weird but I seriously just saw my brother whacking off. I'm seriously so mentally disturbed. He immediately replied.
From Louis *kiss mark emoji*: Oh God I'm sorry, love! If it makes you feel better I once walked in on my oldest sister giving her ex head. Jenna smiled.
To Louis *kiss mark emoji*: But was she dressed?
From Louis *kiss mark emoji*: Yes....
To Louis *kiss mark emoji*: That does not count then!
From Louis *kiss mark emoji*: Aww, well then I'm sorry! Anyways I'll talk to you tomorrow, like I had said, I'm busy :) Bye love x
Jenna felt sad. He was so straight to the point that she felt unimportant.
"Why can't I be the reason you're busy?" She said to herself. Her phone buzzed again.
From Louis *kiss mark emoji*: KIDDING JEN. I wouldn't just end the conversation like that. I know we're suppose to go out for dinner Saturday, and I also don't mean to push it... But can I pick you up right now? I'm quite lonely, and I'd hate for you to stay at home thinking about your brother. Jenna's heart pounded in her chest. Was she ready for a last minute meet up? She didn't know. Nor did she care.
To Louis *kiss mark emoji*: Yeah! Just text me when you pull up, DO NOT KNOCK, you don't want to disturb my brother, LOL
Shortly after replying to Louis, Jenna changed out of her pajamas and into some black leggings, a t-shirt with Mickey Mouse on it, and a warm sweater. She grabbed her purse, locked her room, and wrote a note for her parents in case they came back before her. She did this in seven minutes. Jenna's phone buzzed.
From Louis: I'm here :)
Jenna grabbed her favorite moccasins and ran downstairs. Before she opened the door she stopped herself from being so open. She was ready to just jump all over Louis and make out with him, but she knew she had to keep her cool. She opened the door, and closed it behind her. She walked up too Louis and admired him and how he leaned against his car.
*** A.N. Prepare for major feels, if you want the full effect I suggest listening to Stay by Rihanna***
"Hi." She said.
"Oh hi! You're so quiet I didn't even realize you were there!" He said. He walked up to the passenger door and opened it.
"Thank you." She said, and smiled. This time, it was real. Though he didn't see. Jenna's always thought that there's a big difference between her real smile and her fake one, but no one's ever said anything.
"My pleasure." He said.
"So where are we going?"
"You'll see." He said. Throughout half of the ride Jenna realized she had no concealer on her arms. She started to freak out. Her breathing was uncontrollable and she started playing with her fingers.
"Jen, are you alright?" He asked. Jenna nodded her head and didn't make eye contact. Not long after Louis pulled over and got out of the car. He opened Jenna's door and helped her out. She started to cry and felt so ugly in that moment. Her tears washed the makeup from underneath her eyes.
"Don't look at me." Jenna cried as she put her head down and pushed Louis's hands away. He grabbed her arm and pulled her jacket sleeve down. Louis gasped at how many scars there were on Jenna's arm. She yanked her arm away and pulled her sleeve back down.
"Why?" Louis asked.
"Because. God I should've just stayed home."
"Because why? How long have you been doing this to yourself?" Louis asked. Jenna couldn't even look him in the eyes.
"I can't tell you Louis." She said.
"Yes you can, you're just deciding to not tell anyone."
"You're right. I don't. I also will not decide to now." Louis sighed.
"Well than come one Miss Selective Mute." He said. Louis picked Jenna up and forced her into the car.
"Please take me home Louis. You don't have to pretend that you care. No one wants to hang around a girl who cuts themselves like paper." Louis didn't say anything. He didn't take Jenna home either. He took her to a park.
"Louis I feel so uncomfortable right now. No one's ever seen that." Jenna confessed.
"But why don't you tell your parents or your brother?"
"They wouldn't understand, Lou. Neither would you."
"Yes I would." Jenna stopped walking.
"Look Louis, I'm probably going to regret telling you this, but I love you. So fucking much. But I know in my heart I'll never be with you. I have too many issues. I'll never have a successful relationship and I'll never be happy. I'm never happy. I'm just a big fuck up putting on an act. I've liked for the longest time ever, but you've never liked me back. Ever since the night you got drunk I've fallen deeper in love with you and I've been driving myself fucking CRAZY over you! Do you know what it's like to be in love with someone that's two years older than you? I've always been scared that you would find someone else before you would see me as a grown girl and actually consider dating me. At the very same time I just hate you so fucking much because you change my emotions so easily and I feel so, so stupid, for liking you so much, knowing that you don't see me the way I see you." Jenna said. She broke crying and demanded to go home. Louis looked at Jenna with a deep sensation of sadness. He broke the space between himself and Jenna and passionately kissed her.
"I'm sorry." Louis whispered in Jenna's ear as he held her tight.
I took like 2 days to write this so i have no idea if it's good or not! Let me know in the comments! Also don't forget to like this book and favorite it to know when I update it! (If you want you can follow me too)