The vision from that night constantly replays in my mind. When I'm asleep, when I'm awake. There'e no escaping it.
Please, mum. Please wake up. Please don't die, I silently beg. I take her soft hand and rest it in mine, making sure I'm extra, extra careful. Tears roll of my cheek. The monitor which is connected to mum is steady, creating small beeping noises at regular intervals.
My eyes skip over her face before I have to cast my eyes away from the growing guilt. And at this moment, I want to erase all the arguments we have ever had. I wish I could have spent more time with her before this.
I want to speak to her so much it hurts. If I still had a father, I would talk to him. Comfort him as her comforts me. But that won't ever happen because dad died fighting in the army five years ago, when I was nine years old.
How do I fix this? I can't. Mum's not just some old, broken toy which can be mended straight away or replaced. Mum can't be replaced. I start to think about what my first words to her will be if she wakes up. When she wakes up, I mean. Mum's strong, she'll come through. How long I don't know, but she will. What will I say to her when she pulls through? Thanks for saving my life, but I'm sorry? I have no idea. Even if I rehearse my words a thousand times, it will never come out how I practiced, not for something like this anyway.
Mum wont die, she wouldn't leave me alone. If death tries to come after her, she'll fight till her very last breath. If she dies...I don't know what I'll do. You never know how much they mean to you until they're gone. But she's not gone. And even though she's still alive but not quite awake, I can't help myself from feeling as vulnerable as ever to the world. I remember the times when mum came rushing into my room after a nightmare. How she used to sit with me until I finally fell asleep again, whispering that she would fight off all the monsters if they came to get me, promising that she would forever protect me. Mum said she would always protect me, but I feel so exposed to the world right now.
She played a two parent role of looking after me all by herself. She did so much for me. If she could have woken up, wouldn't she have woken up by now?