Niall took my hand and he took me up a hill. It took me a while before I realized that we were heading to a lookout point. When we got up at the top, it was like we saw throughout the world. Niall laid out a blanket and we sat down. Still, we were silent and still, there were many thoughts that went around. It wasn't until the sun started to go up as I understood why we were there. It was as if the sun came up for us. It was as if we put all behind us and now there were only a future left.
"Whatever happens, I wont say we did it." Niall whispered, and he looked at me. "Everyone will think that it was us, but I will deny the accusation, even if it's true."
I looked at him. What he did say was that we couldn't mention this for a single living person.
"Me too!" I whispered uncertain. "And who would I talk to, about such a thing?"
Niall looked down at his hands.
I snorted. My relationship with Harry felt so far away and I had almost forgotten what he looked like. The truth was that I didn't even know if I wanted to go for him. Niall noted that I began to think, and he looked at me again.
"You know I had flirted with you if you weren't his?"
I was startled.
Niall smiled and he looked straight at me. His eyes were so harmonious and he showed no signs of other than feelings for me or for life.
"Yes, you are the only one who understands me and I respect you."
I laughed a little bit.
"Niall, you have to have feelings for the girl. You will find a girl who's worthy you and as will stand behind you a beautiful day."
"No, I don't find such a girl."
I smiled at him.
"What are you looking for then?"
He shrugged his shoulders and he looked down at the ground again.
I didn't believe his words. Okay I felt affinity with Niall, but I was sure that I hadn't that feelings for him. He was my friend, and after all that had happened, I wanted to remain a good friend.
"My mom wont approve you." I said that a lousy excuse. "She hasn't even approved Harry and she does everything to put me away from him and all."
He didn't seem to care.
"You can stay with me?"
I laughed a little bit. Harry had said the same thing and I realized that I had two guys who wanted me to move in with them.
"Your parents ..."
Niall was fast. He caught my face with his hands and our lips met. I don't know why, but I responded to the kiss. He took his arms tightly around my neck and he was almost desperate. I felt he was trying to stay calm, but he was eager. I knew this was wrong, but like so many other things in my life, that as seemed wrong was always right.
"I love you!"
His voice was hoarse and his face was red. I just stared at Niall. I still felt the taste of him and it was as if time stood still. I heard his words, but I didn't understand what he said.
"Please." he muttered hoarsely. "I don't want you to disappear. All disappears in my life and everyone don't seems to care. Please, don't be one of them?"
I swallowed. What would I say? I saw at him that he almost suffered and I realized that he really meant what he said.
"I'm always here for you?"
He shook his head and he released me.
"No, I mean all the time." he continued. What could I say? I had no feelings for him and I couldn't promise anything that I couldn't keep.
"You know that's not possible."
He sighed and he looked down at the ground again. The air went out of him and he seemed to lose hope.
"I hate life." he mumbled a bit chillier. "I hate all the people and I hate being me."
I tried to smile.
"But I like you. I like you as you are and I..."
His eyes got me to be quiet. He stood up and he looked out over the view again, then he looked at me again.
"I thought we had something special between us."
He sighed and he took up the backpack.
"No, we don't have what I thought was there."
I felt hurt, but at the same time it was I who wounded him. I stood up and I followed him with my eyes. He picked up the blanket and he put it in the bag.
"What do you demand of me?" I whispered inquiringly. "I can't promise you anything, because I have no idea what I want."
He looked at me again and he watched me closely.
"We have our lives ahead of us now. Simon's gone and we can live."
I disagreed with him.
"We have demands over us from our parents. We have to do something with our lives and I have no idea what I want to do."
I was scared when we walked toward the bus. It felt as if something had happened. Niall said nothing more to me, but he made sure I got home. We went with the same bus back and when I stood outside the wall to my house, he gave me one last hug.
"Call if you want." he said, but I heard that he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. I hugged him, but I didn't want to let him go.
"I guess we'll see if we meet again?" he continued cold. He almost forced me to let go of him and then just went his way.
I don't know how long I slept. My parents had jobs to attend to and no one had noticed that I had been away. I regretted it instantly. I should have gone with Niall, but now it was too late. It was as if I ended up in a vacuum and I didn't know how I would get out from it. When I came down to the kitchen, stood dad there and he was holding a newspaper in his hand. I noted that he read something thoroughly and then he looked at me.
I didn't answered as usual. I went and got what I wanted and I sat down on one of the chairs. He folded the paper and then he stood and just watched me.
"What?" I mumbled cold and I swallowed the sandwich.
"There's a lot going on right now." he replied thoughtfully. I looked up at him and I shrugged.
He came up to the table and he sat down on another chair.
"Do you have any contact with your old friends?"
"I can't talk to Harry."
He nodded and he knew why. He looked down at his hands and he smiled weakly.
"Someone at your school have murdered Simon."
I was startled, I gasped and I just stared at him. Damn, what would I say? Honest Sam should have said who it was, but Simon got what he deserved.
I had a vague feeling that dad guessed, but I wasn't sure. He looked at me again and I noticed that he really looked at me.
"You don't need to tell me anything." he whispered. "I know what you have gone through and I've read about all the other students, but your mom wants us to put this behind us."
"I understand how you feel and I understand that there are many that are in your seat right now. If there's anything you need or if you want to talk, come to me."
I felt my stomach jumped. My dad did care about me?
"But you don't want to talk about it and you don't want to listen?"
"I want to! It's your mother who doesn't want."
Lord of my days! My dad would listen? I just stared at him and it all felt different, somehow.
"And you mean that?"
He nodded with satisfaction.
"Yes, I'm your father and I'm trying to get a sense out of everything. I must admit I'm glad that a person or two punished Simon, but at the same time it's wrong? He would end up in jail and I think his life was already ruined."
I knew what I felt about the matter.
"Dad, he took my virginity." I whispered cold. "He tied my hands and he did it with me against my will. I think he has got what he deserves."
He nodded a little bit. I saw that he was suffering from my words, but at the same time this was the truth.
"I regret that I sent you to that school." he whispered, and I think he was close to tears. "Forgive me."
I swallowed. Okay, I had two choices. I could say no, because I knew they weren't behind me all the way. Still, I wanted to be reconciled with him. Maybe this was now as we would listen to each other, get to know each other and have a normal daughter and father relationship?
"You hurt me when you didn't come more often to the hospital." I mumbled. "I was hurt that you didn't understand, you wouldn't understand. But I can forgive you."
Dad didn't smile but I saw that he was relieved.
"I promise to do things differently from today." he said kindly. "I will try to go against your mother and I will help you. If you need to talk to a psychologist I'll fix the best there is. If you want to go on a trip or experience something, I promise to pay."
I didn't know what to say. What does a daughter telling her dad when she has no idea what she wants to do?
"It's enough that you listen." I whispered kindly. "And you let me meet my friends. The school was actually okay and many of them are really nice."
He smiled weakly.
"Okay, but I just want to know with whom you are when you go away. I don't want to get worried and look for you."
He looked down at his hands again.
"I was worried last night." he whispered, and I knew now that he knew. "I told myself you hadn't run away from home and I thought, that it was best to wait until today before I contacted the police to find you."
He looked at me again.
"I wont ask you where you were or who you were with last night. I know you come home. If someone asks me about last night, I say that you were sleeping in your bed all night."
I was afraid to say thanks. I chose to just smile and he smiled back. He knew he wasn't going to gossip for the police.
"Thanks Dad!" I whispered anyway. He laughed a little bit and then he stood up.
"Let's look forward and let us help each other from now on?"