Anakin Skywalker And The I-Became-A-Jedi

Anakin Skywalker's perspective of "Attack Of The Clones." Book 2 of the Anakin Skywalker series. Great inspiration from "Draco Malfoy And The Rejected Handshake." Enjoy!


5. Slimeball Eliminated!

Obi-Wan didn't learn about our plan until later that evening. Less than a half-kilometer away, Padme was snoring.

"Be careful of Senators," Obi-Wan warned me as we waited for the assassin. "They are not to be trusted."

*rolls eyes*

"They only appreciate people who fund their campaigns, and only support those who provide those funds."

"But Master!" I snapped. "You're generalizing. Padme is different! Like Chancellor Palpatine, and--"

"Palpatine is a politician."

"He's not a bad man, Obi-Wan, nor is he corrupt. Accept it. Neither is Bail Organa, and especially Jar Jar Binks!"

Moment of silence.

"Do you sense what I sense?" I asked.

"Yes. Let's go!"

We rushed in to find four kouhuns--fat, deadly caterpillars--that had invaded her apartment and stealthily slithered their way onto her bed. I cut the kouhuns in two using my awesomeness and a small bit of help from my blue lightsaber. P.S. I made it myself just so you know. It has an elegantly decorated handle and a shiny blue blade stretching a foot long...back to the point; it was only through my peripheral vision that I saw Obi-Wan jump out the window and grab the flying droid who unleashed the caterpillars.

I had to do something!

As Obi-Wan and the droid disappeared into the distance, I rushed out onto the deck to find a speeder--the perfect speeder. I've got to find the assassin!

Finally, I found one that I liked. I boarded it and went after Obi-Wan.

Avoiding transports of all kinds, I flew across Coruscant to find my Master. Suddenly, I found him falling off the droid! It was only with great care that I finally managed to bring it over to pick up Obi-Wan.

I expected him to thank me...but instead he asked me why I took so long.

I told him that I couldn't find a speeder that I really liked. "With an open cockpit...and the right speed capabilities...and then you know I had to pick a really gonzo color..."

Obi-Wan scoffed.

"I saved your life, OK? So why are you mad at me? Anyway, let's find that assassin."

"Find him? He went that way!"

I nodded and drove the speeder after him.

Obi-Wan continued to lecture me, something about practicing my sword skills and finally outmatching Yoda.

"I thought I already did," I told him. "He's not the Chosen One, is he?"

"Only in your mind, my very young apprentice," he replied.

"OK, OK. Let's do a trick!" I headed into a nosedive, headed right toward a giant, metal sphere.

"Pull up, Anakin! Pull up!" Obi-Wan panicked.

With a maniacal laugh, I zoomed right past the sphere. Yep, he definitely hates flying. "Master, you know I could fly before I could walk. I'm very good at this."

"J-just slow down!" my Master sputtered.

Long story short. The bounty hunter ignited some power couplings, which we dodged. Then I found a shortcut, which only got us lost. Then I jumped onto the assassin's speeder, letting the Force guide me. And Obi-Wan's been lecturing me the whole time.

OMG! I blinked, and the assassin turned into an ugly alien. Another blink and she was...a girl?

"Prepare to die!" I shouted. "You think you are waaaaaaayy better than me? I mean, really! You think you're better than the Chosen One?"

I thrusted my lightsaber into the roof of the airspeeder. However, her royal infamy fired and knocked the lightsaber out of my hand!

Great. What will Obi-Wan do to me now?

At least there's a blaster. The assassin and I tangled for the blaster...and it shot a hole in the speeder's bottom! Therefore the speeder was forced into a dive.

I jumped off the roof just in time for the speeder to crash.

And the assassin is...unscathed? So...she didn't get even a scratch from a head-on collision? Yep, she's definitely a she. And a Clawdite.

Obi-Wan finally showed up. I told him that she rushed into the club.

"Patience," Obi-Wan replied. "He went in there to hide, not run." He held out my lightsaber. Hm. Looks like he found it.

"Next time, try not to lose this," he said, and began a really long lecture. "A lightsaber is the Jedi's most precious possession blah blah blah this weapon is your life blah blah blah"

Finally I cut him off. I was about to tell him that in yakking away he's inadvertently providing the Clawdite a diversion, but I thought better of it. Instead, I went for a more tame approach. "I've heard this lesson before, Master."

"But you haven't learned zilch," he replied. "Why do I get the feeling you're going to the death of me?"

Now I'm just pissed. "Don't say that, Master. You're the closest thing I have to a father."

"Then why don't you listen to me?"

"I am trying...wait, where are you going?"

"For a drink," Obi-Wan replied.

"'re getting a drink on the job?" I asked, surprised and miffed.

"Dude, I'm thirsty," he snapped. "Go after the assassin."

Reluctantly, I did. Who knows, it could be a trap he's set up. But only moments later, the assassin had her gun pointed at Obi-Wan's back! I was about to sneak up on her, slash her to pieces, when...


The sound of Obi-Wan's lightsaber blared through the air as he (literally!) disarmed the Clawdite. Take that, moron!

Now she's in shock.

"Easy, outlanders," I reassured the club. "Jedi business." Then I turned to Obi-Wan and suggested we take this outside before a random outlander sues us.

The infamous twerp moaned as Obi-Wan dragged her outside. I can only hope that she can stay conscious enough to provide some useful information.

Obi-Wan looked the still-shifted Clawdite straight in the eye. "Who did you intend to kill?"

"It was a Senator from Naboo," she muttered.

"And who hired you?" I butted in.

"It was just a job," she replied.

I can feel my anger rising. Isn't it disturbing that this brat considers killing an angel "just a job?" I knelt down to face her. It took all my self-control to keep my tone casual. "Who hired you? Tell us!"

No answer.

"TELL US NOW!!!" I screamed.

The ever infamous Clawdite gulped. "It was a bounty hunter called--"

She couldn't finish. Out from nowhere a small projectile streaked down and embedded itself in her neck.

We turned to see an armored man launch into the sky via jetpack.


As for the assassin, her fair skin turned turned dark green as she turned back to a Clawdite involuntarily. "Wee shannit...sleemo," she said in a low-pitched, somewhat robotic man's voice as her headed tilted back. Now that is just creepy.

I know exactly what she said: bounty hunter slimeball. If only she'd given us a freaking name!

Obi-Wan reached for the dead Clawdite's neck and pulled out the projectile. A right nasty piece of work, if you ask me. Yep, it's definitely a toxic dart.

At least one assassin can't harm Padme. I took one last look at the Clawdite's corpse. You sure got what you deserved.

I trembled. I know it's not the Jedi way to think anyone deserved to die.

But I thought it just the same.

Bad news: I never even learned what her name was.

Good news: I got a Milky Way for my heroic mission...well I didn't, but I imagined I did.

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