6. March 2014
Spring Break had been relaxing: Emilie was at the hospital. Doing nothing was my new favourite hobby.
When my 16th birthday arrived, Emilie had organized a big surprise party for me. But even on MY day, people just have to know how Emilie is doing.
Even though I might seem like someone who hates, my sister, it certainly isn’t the case. I hate seeing her sad. I hated it when we have to take her back to the hospital in order for her to continue her treatments. I felt so powerless. I wish I could’ve just taken her pain and given it to myself because she did not deserve it. It was me. Me who doesn’t always love life like she does that should have cancer. I deserved her pain.
There was one day, where my sister’s treatments were still at an early stage, when I was in the car with my mother. Always informing me of her moments with Em, told me she’d asked my sister to think about the positive aspects of her cancer.
“Do you know what she told me?” she enquired.
“That for once she feels loved by you.”
It tore me apart. I knew that before her cancer, I didn’t stop telling her I didn’t love her...But it wasn’t real: I was only jealous. My mother’s declaration wouldn’t leave my head, making me bitterly regret giving Emilie so much hate before her diagnosis.