my body felt heavy, and I felt as if I was watching myself. Like an out of body experience.
I felt as if I could hear everyone around me speaking, but I couldn't speak back. I felt like I was watching myself lay in the hospital bed, motionless, with IV's stuck in my arms and a doctor doing an ultrasound on me to see if my baby was actually dead.
"It's gone." I hear him say and that's when my eyes shot opened and I started freaking out. "Braelynn, braelynn, you need to calm down!" My arms were grabbed, then my feet and I was pinned to the bed.
"My baby!" I cried so so hard I almost made myself throw up. "Save it, please!" I begged.
"There's nothing we can do at this point." The doctor informed me.
"You're a doctor!" I snapped, "you went to school to save lives!" I spat.
"The baby didn't even have a heart beat yet, Mrs. Horan." He tried to calmly explain.
"And neither do you." I said in almost an evil way. My eyes were starting to fade to a red colour as I watched the doctor stare at me.
To be honest, I felt challenged by him. Like he was testing me to see how long I could drag this out. My heart has been broken in so many ways the past few weeks that I have a lot of anger to get out, so if this doctor wants to go this way, let's play.
"We need to wait till the embryo fully passes, and then we'll scrape the cervix and get rid of the sack." He explained, looking at the chart.
I waited, and waited, and waited.
The tears didn't stop, I was violently crying. My heart felt like it had had enough and that this was the last straw. I need to go home, I need to be with my kids. I need to pack and find somewhere's else. I don't want to, but if I was to stay and live in that house and Niall out of it, there's no telling what I might do.
I went to the bathroom every hour, even if I just wanted to stay in bed. I had to keep checking the pad they gave me to see if the baby had passed yet.
When I got up, I felt as if everything had fallen out of me. All my insides gone, I felt empty to better explain it. "I don't want to see this." I muttered to myself. I just wish they couldve scraped me so I don't have to look at the littlest embryo laying there.
I pulled my pants down, eyes not looking just yet. I've been doing this for almost four hours straight, but this bathroom break felt different.
I opened my eyes and seen my baby laying on the pad. My hand covered my mouth as I screamed bloody murder. My baby. My child. My future. My husband. Me. Just laying there, not alive.
"Mrs. Horan, open the door!" The doctor shouted but it was as if someone was covering my ears with their hands. What I was hearing was very muffled, and I couldn't take my eyes off what was in front of me. "Mrs. Horan!"
The worst part was that Niall didn't even come to see how I was doing, never got the nurses or doctors to see how I felt. He never even popped his head in the little window of the door.
My hands made it from my mouth to my hair and I pulled hard in it. "Oh my god." I kept repeating, over and over. This is the most horrific thing I've ever witnessed in my life. "OH my god." I felt like screeching.
The palms of my hands started to squeeze the sides of my temples. I looked up at god, screaming at him and asking why he's putting me through this.
In this moment, I wanted to just be dead. I wanted to commit suicide. My finger tips were pressing against the top of my head as I bawled harder, my headache getting worse. "Mrs. Horan!" The doctor finally got in the bolted door and stood there, staring at the mess of a person in front of him. "It passed." He says quietly.
I sit on the floor, rock back and fourth, begging for the doctor to fix it. To put it back in and reattach it. "I'll give you as much money as you want, please just give me back my baby!!" I screeched.
"Ma'am, I'm really sorry bu-"
"Shut up!" I screamed.
"Stop calling me that!" I yelled at him. The frustration I was feeling made me want to scream at everything that moved. "Just, please, leave me alone." I asked and he nodded his head and walked out.
I stared at the fetus, it wasn't even as big as my pinky finger. The smallest little piece of me that I came to love too much too quick, story of my life.
"Braelynn?" I shot head up at the hearing of Niall's voice and his knuckles tapping the door. "Can I come in babe?" Babe.
I ripped the pad off and was quick to pull my pants up before he walked in, without my go ahead. I wiped my face quickly, but there was no tissue absorbent enough to soak up my tears right now. "Is that?" He asked, pointing to my hand. I nodded, having him walk over to me.
My first instinct was to back away from him, like he had tried to hit me before or something. He hasn't, not physically anyway. "Braelynn." He said in a soft tone, it made me want to curl up to him, but my brain had a hold on me this time.
"Did you, or did you not have sex with her." I said through gritted teeth and teary eyes. He looks down at the floor, giving me my answer. "Is that, or is that not your child."
"That part.. I'm not so sure." He confesses and I slide down the wall. "But listen-"
"You cheated on me?" I said, not wanting to believe that my husband, who once was the most innocent member in this band, cheated on me.
"Braelynn, let me explain-"
"No." I demanded. "Get out!" I pointed to the door. "YOU did this! YOU KILLED MY BABY!"
"I did not, and it was our baby-"
"Like fuck it was!" I shouted.
His head fell to the ground, he knew this was over. "Niall." I choked. His head popped up and his eyes lit up, like he thought maybe there was a little bit of hope. "Do you love her." I sniffed.
"What?" He said, quietly. Too quietly.
"Niall, do you, love, her." I said slowly and spacey.
He was taken back by my question, again, his facial features basically told me what I was asking. "Baby, no." His eyes were tearing up. "No, no, fuck no." His hand laid on his forehead, eyes closed as the other hand was on his hip. "It was-" he paused. "It was the biggest mistake of my life." He shook his head.
I didn't say anything, I just listened. "You were always busy with the kids, or with something, I was always busy with the music. We both forgot that we weren't just married, we both forgot that we were in love." His lip quivered. "I make no excuses for myself. What I did was stupid, I regret it braelynn, I really do."
"I need time." I said without looking at him. He turned and closed the door.
The man I love has done the unthinkable. How do I go back from this? Can I go back from this? Is my marriage over?