On The Road Again

"You just need trust." Sometimes people come into your life, to help you grow, learn and move forward with your past self. Sometimes that's all they're there for, just for those simple things. Sometimes they don't stay, sometimes they do. Maybe it's time Braelynn let go.

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19. Paps

19;       I couldn't get away.    My mind was hurting more and more every time someone screamed my name and tried to get me more information about Niall and Tessa. It was probably made up but I was still trying to cope with it and these people are only making it worse.    I wanted to scream at them. I wanted them to stop harassing me and pushing up on me, asking me questions I don't even know the answer to. 

 

  "Is it Niall's?" "What about your kids?"

 

  "Didn't you just build on to your house?"

 

"Don't stay together for the kids." 

 

"This is your fault!"      My hands tugged at my hair. I wanted them to leave and never come back, I want to live my life in peace and all this stress is going to kill me and the baby.   

 

"Do you compare yourself to Tessa?" 

 

"Was it actually a contract?"

 

"Is Tessa actually pregnant?"

 

  "Are you pregnant?" 

 

"What are you going to do? You can't afford three kids by yourself."    They make me sound like a monster. Like I'm some kind of Gold Digger. I would rather be poor, live in a mud house and scrape for food with my kids than be with someone who's not faithful to me and my family, push me around and make me think everything's okay.    I can get along without Niall, things will have to change and this money im getting from the rest of the tour will have to do. I gave Niall and Tessa the house, which means I need to buy a new one, and new everything.   

 

I find myself crying a whole lot more. I'm not sure if it's just from being pregnant or f I'm actually hurting? Probably a little bit of both, even though I had to prepare for this. Hell, I've had years of preparing for this.    I was currently eating, it was my break before the show. My sandwich was amazing, my water full of lemon and lime, a little raspberry and blueberry with a yogurt on the side.

 

"Everything okay?" One of the dancers asked me. I nodded my head even though I felt like I was forcing this bread down my fucking throat.    I haven't eaten very much, not that I don't want to, because I do try. But I usually throw it up afterwards, one reason is due to anxiety I'm having towards Niall and the other reason is due to being pregnant. When we're in practice I'll catch him watching, I don't know if he's watching me or the other girls, either way his presence makes me uncomfortable.   

 

Just the look of him, sound of him, feel of him, even the bloody thought of him makes me want to gag. Not because he sickens me (almost) but because I can't look at him and think of another women touching him. And that makes me sick.    He hasn't said anything to me since I told him I would get test done for the kids. Maybe he's shocked I'm even going to do such a thing. But I have an idea, before I actually go and get the tests done I'm going to scare him. I'm going to I ask him for a piece of hair and a swab of his mouth, tell him the DNA agency needs it, should freak him out.    It's very insulting thinking about him disowning his kids. Especially because he's their everything, it'll break their hearts if they ever found out. "Lou?" I knocked on her dressing room door. This is the first time I've talked to Lou about anything in my life for a very long time.   

 

"Yes dear?" She says with a smile. It sucks because everyone around here thinks I'm breaking free, they all think I'm fine and that my shell isn't breaking, when in reality, it's already been broken.    She turned back around to clean up some of her makeup and when I didn't say anything, only sniffed, that's when she caught on. She looked at me and pouted, holding her arms out for me to go over to her.

 

"It hurts." I tried so hard not to scream, just hold my breath and try not to sob out too loud. 

 

  "I know darling." She whispers to me. Her hands went to the back of my head and I pushed my face further into her, choking on my own breath.    By this point I wasn't even crying anymore, my breath was held so long my lips turned purple and my eyes felt like they were popping out of my head. It was like all this was hitting me at once, I lost my husband, I'm loosing my house, my husband cheated on me, my husband got another girl pregnant. That girl has been in our lives since the twins were born which puts things in my head.   

 

[A]    He was with her whenever I was pregnant because I couldn't give him what he needed due to me being PREGNANT     

OR       

[B]    They meant after the twins were born because he was on tour or preparing for a tour and every time he tried something with me I was way too exhausted to satisfy him   

 

Questions swarmed in my head every day that I wanted to ask but was too scared what the answer would be. People have been messaging me so much, asking for interviews or for me preform on their show or at the next award show, even just for backup dancing.   

 

I declined all offers.    If I can't even keep myself together long enough to finish my part of a concert then I defiantly can't stand In front of a camera and have people behind the TV screaming screams at me that I can't hear. If I get called stupid one more for "staying" with Niall, I'll let the full truth out. Even though I don't even know the FULL truth.    "It's like... I'm hitting mid-life crisis, but this is real. Not metaphase." I wiped under my eyes, thankful we're not doing makeup yet. "I don't know what I'm doing, where in going to go? I can't go with Maura because that's his mother, can't go with Greg because that's his brother and his wife is a bitch. I can't go anymore, Lou, what I'm doing?" I started to freak out, panic, and that caused me to hold my breath even longer. I don't I've let a breathe in or out in the last 3 minuets.   

 

"Hunny, you're going to be okay, stop worrying." She knelt in front of me whenever I let myself plop on the couch in her dressing room. "Listen, love. You need to understand that you do not need a man to make yourself stable. The situation is shitty but everything happens for a reason." 

 

  "What do you think? What's the reason of this?" I held my hands out and looked up as if I was asking God to reply to me. "Haven't I been through enough? My childhood was the shittest, my mum passed, Niall cheated on me, I'm loosing the house to the side hoe." I put my hand on my forehead and let out of big scream.    "What was so wrong about your childhood?" No body, and I mean NO body knows anything about my childhood. If they ask, I change the subject and I feel completely stupid for even saying anything about my childhood or even saying the word.    I'm going to do what I do best, change the subject and pretend that nothing happened. "Should I move back to Canada?" I asked her, she just shook her head and stood up. I do that to her a lot, avoid her questions. 

 

  "No, no you should not." She shook her finger at me. "If you need somewhere to stay until you get everything settled, you stay with lux and I, you're not moving that bloody far away. You understand?" 

 

  "Yes ma'am." I giggled.   

 

"Now, let's get you sexed up for the concert, I hope you remember your dances because this took your whole practice time." She winked and I sat on the chair in front of the mirror after washing my face.     

 

***   

 

The crowd was cheering, my body was swaying. This is why I love music. I forgot all about Niall, honestly, I forgot about everything and everyone. "Let me show you how proud I am to be yours." I winked into the camera that I knew was back stage.   

 

Don't get me wrong, I forgot about Niall, but not what he did. I loved teasing him, it was like I was getting back at him... Showing him what he lost? "I just wanna look good for ya, ah huh, ah huh."  Flicked my hair, my dances were off by half a count only because I didn't practice.   

 

I   "What are you doing?" I turned my head to see Niall leaning on my dressing room door. I took my shirt off and pulled a sweater over my head.   Shrugging my shoulders.

 

"Flying back home to see the kids." I said, not making eye contact with him.   

 

"I was going to tell you that Alec wanted to us to go out there this week for their graduation." 

 

  "Okay, and what did you tell him?" 

 

  "I said I'd talk to you and see what you said."

 

    "Obviously I'd say yes?" I laughed him cockily. Shaking my head as if that was the stupidest thing he could ever ask me, but if he would've just said yes I would've been mad that he didn't ask first. 

 

  "Okay." He said and turned on his heel. I waited for him to fully leave the room and until I heard his guitar strumming before I hit myself in the head and started screaming. Pulling at my roots and panicking, I don't know why but I couldn't contain myself. I needed freak to the fuck out in order for me to be okay, but this wasn't okay, this was border-line psychotic. 

 

  "Braelynn!!" I looked at Harry frantically. My lips trembling as I watched the other four boys stand in front of me, crying violently and little screams coming from my mouth. My hands went to my baby inside my stomach, clenching it as it started hurting so bad.   

 

"Why are you bleeding?" Zayn said, pointing at me.    My heart beat quickened and I screamed even more.

 

"Braelynn!" Niall screamed at me. I backed up, causing myself to fall backwards. My wrist slammed on the ground underneath me as I fell, backing away from Niall as he approached me. 

 

  "Niall! Get away from her!" I heard Harry's voice crack and Liam's hands where picking me up. My hands clutched my stomach as I cried out in pain. 

 

  "It's okay." Liam kept whispering to me, my head was almost in my stomach because I was curled so far into a ball. "Shh shh." He cooed. "Get in the damn car!" He shouted. I was placed in the back of the car, curling into a ball and biting my lip as I tried not to scream while in a car.   

 

My body was shaking and I felt my head being placed on someone's lap. My hands grabbed their pant leg and squeezed, the pain I was in right now was too much to bare. I screamed out loud, unable to hold it In anymore. 

 

  "Shh baby, it's okay." I felt hot tears run down my face. I didn't want to look up because I knew I was going to see Niall starring at me. 

 

  "Niall..." I muttered. 

 

  "Yeah?" 

 

  "Did I kill our baby?" My jaw was wide opened as I realized what was going on. My hands reached down, I had to feel, bring them back up and seeing the blood on my fingers and all over my hands made me scream in terror.    I'm having a miscarriage. 

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