For financial reasons I chose to become a surrogate mom. I had no idea that it would change my life. I thought it was an easy way to earn money, but slowly, I was into something that resembled a dream. A nightmare!


5. Anxiety and uncertainty

"You know that you'll continue with the food?"
Eleanor came home with one more bag of groceries. I frowned. I had just started to get out of bed and I had thought she would drop it, that with special foods.
"Are you serious?"
She laughed and she filled my fridge with food as I didn't want.
"Come on!" she said, almost too happy. "You know that it only for a few months and then you get to eat exactly what you want to eat."
I was holding thumbs that Louis would come to me with pizza behind her back. Eleanor didn't seem to know about our secret and she presented another cookbook to me.
"And I know you will obey my advice." she said happily. "This is for the child's sake."
I sat down on a chair and I gave her a cold look.
"I don't like that tomato soup and I can't stand to eat carrot soup."
She laughed.
"Add in a bit of bread, it makes it easier."
I sighed.
I had already tried everything and the soups were no better or tastier. Louis come in from the hall and he immediately saw what Eleanor was doing. He winked at me before she saw him. That meant that he would come with pizza?
"So this is where you leave all the food?" he asked her as soon as he came into the kitchen. Eleanor spun around and smiled big at him.
"We've already gone through this." she said quickly. "Cathy need to eat the food as the books says she will eat."
Louis raised his eyebrows.
"And you think the food solves everything?"
She nodded with satisfaction.
"Yes!" She walked up to him and gave him a light kiss on the lips. I smiled. It was years since I had got a boyfriend and actually I missed that part. Actually I had the idea in my head. When this was over, maybe I was ready to let a new man come in my life? I wanted a guy who was like Louis, but still a little more different. I wanted a guy who wasn't as narrow as he was. Maybe he would have more muscle? I blushed at the idea that I compared Louis with others. It was wrong to think that way about him.
"We shouldn't be kissing?" muttering Louis to Eleanor. I understood that he didn't wanted me to hear it. Why was it wrong that they kissed each other? Maybe he didn't like to do it in front of me?
"She's used to it!" muttered Eleanor and she giggled. "When we get home, you are mine."
Louis blushed and quickly he went away from her. I frowned. That hadn't happened before. Okay that he wasn't a guy who kissed her in the midst of people, but still. I wasn't a stranger anymore and they knew I didn't mind.
"Stop!" he said rather cold and he picked order on the bench. I followed him with my eyes. He seemed to sour over the kiss. Eleanor sighed and I saw at her that she too was surprised.
"You woke up on the wrong side?" she muttered cold. Louis snorted and then he tried to smile at me.
"Is there anything else you need help to do today?"
I shook my head. It felt embarrassed to hear their private conversations and I saw at Eleanor that she was disappointed.
"Shall we go home?" she asked Louis. He didn't seemed to care about what she said. He sat at the table.
"How are you today?" he asked me. I looked down at the table and I knew how wrong it was that I was there. What had happened between them?
"I'm fine."




I tried to get the day going through reading books that Eleanor had given to me. I felt sick in the morning and the doctor said it was a good sign.
"You should feel bad in the beginning." they told me. "It's normal."
I felt the opposite. They weren't with me when I threw up in the morning.


Louis just laughed at me. He had come over with some unhealthy food, and I didn't feel like eating. He sat and munched on fried chicken and he saw at me that I could't even smell at the scents.
"You really are pregnant." he said cheerfully. I sighed and I nodded at him. I chose to eat an apple, drink water and avoid looking at his food.
"Talking about it wont be as planned." I said bitterly. He laughed and he wiped his mouth with a piece of paper.
"But I wont stop coming over sometimes." he said cheerfully. "Eleanor is often with her friends and it's not fun to be alone sometimes."
I watched him and I smiled weakly. Louis seemed to be the only friend I had. Eleanor tried, but I knew she just wanted to have the child inside me. I felt glad over that Louis wanted to hang out with me and I wondered silently if we would continue to be friends later?
"You're Welcome." I murmured sweet. "It's your apartment."
He snorted and he picked up a new chicken.
"No it's yours as long as you live here." He looked at me with meaning. "It said so on the contract."
I laughed a little bit.
"So if I stay here until I'm old, do you feel the same?"
He nodded with satisfaction and he smiled awry.
"Yes, and I will continue to come over with food you don't eat."
I laughed.
"Okay, I'll just have to trust you?"


We sat on the couch and watched TV. Eleanor would call when she was on her way home. I sensed that she knew that Louis was in my apartment, but I assumed she didn't know about the food. Every time we had eaten pizza we hid the box in the neighbour's garbage. It was as if we wanted to eliminate that we had a different life than the life as Eleanor wanted us to have.
"Why have you begun to quarrel?"
I had to ask Louis. Ever since that time in my kitchen, I had noticed that they were changing towards each other. He sighed and he frowned.
"We have it just hard right now." he replied honestly. "It's much around us and she's totally changed."
I looked at him. I knew why Eleanor was altered.
"Once you have the baby, she will be herself." I said but I had no idea how Eleanor worked. He smiled and he looked at me.
"Well, we'll see."
I nodded a little bit and I looked at the television again. It was quiet for a moment before it was Louis's turn to ask a question.
"Why are you single?" he asked. I was startled and I looked at him again. What a question?
"Why do you want to know?"
He smiled a little bit and I saw that he blushed slightly.
"No, I was just wondering." he whispered uncertain. "You're cute and you're funny. There should be many guys who want you?"
I laughed and I was amused.
"Really?" I exclaimed. "And you believe in those words?"
He sighed.
"But come on!" he said, almost irritably. "You have many good qualities but you're still alone?"
I sighed. The truth was to long and I chose the short variant.
"My parents died and I lost myself." I said simply. "I ended up wrong and I got debts. One can say that I have struggled with myself and with my finances until I met you."
He watched me closely and he smiled a little bit.
"How did they die?"
I swallowed. The memories were still fresh and I didn't like to talk about what had happened.
"They died in a traffic accident." I replied tired. "I was eighteen years old and I lived in a separate apartment. It was as if I dropped everything and it took a year before I landed in a reality."
He seemed to understand me. I swallowed again just to not cry or feel the grief as I had left behind.
"It went fast, and they died instantly." I continued and then I looked at him. "I guess I should be glad that they didn't suffer and that I didn't see their dead bodies?"
Louis nodded. He raised his hand and I was surprised when he caressed my cheek tenderly, as if that would help.
"You are strong!" he whispered, and he looked into my eyes. "I'm glad I met you and got the opportunity to help you."
I smiled weakly.
"It's I who should thank you and Eleanor."
He sighed and he took his hand away. He frowned.
"Please, can't we talk about something other than her?"
I wasn't sure why he said that.
"But she's your girlfriend and she's the child's mom?"
He swallowed.
"Yes, but at some point I might avoid having to think about her?" he sighed. "She thinks the world revolves around her and the baby. She's wrong."
I raised my eyebrows.
"But it's a big step to become a mom?" I wanted to defend her. "And I suppose it's more difficult for her because she didn't get the opportunity to be pregnant?"
He agreed with me but at the same time it was as if he didn't want to feel sorry for her.
"Great movie!" he said, pointing at the television. I understood that we wouldn't mention her name and I chose to let go of all thoughts. It felt funny to know that they had a problem, because I had their baby in my belly.


I awoke to the sound from a mobile phone. I quickly noticed that I slept with a pillow under my head on the couch and a blanket was over me. Louis sat at my feet and I had my feet in his lap. I realized I had fallen asleep.
"Oh so you wont be home." I heard him say cold. "But when will you come home then?"
I opened my eyes and I looked at him. He sat with his face to the TV, and he didn't look happy.
"No, she sleeps and she feels good." I heard him say and I realized she asked about me. "You should stay home and take care of her and not be out on the town?"
He swallowed and I saw how he clenched his teeth.
"Call tomorrow then?" he said cold and then he ended the call. I didn't know if I should say something to him? I was awake but he thought for sure that I slept. As if he had read my thoughts, he looked at me and he seemed surprised that I looked at him.
"You heard?"
I nodded.
"You shouldn't be so mad at her?"
He didn't agree. He put his cell phone on the table and then he looked at me again.
"I'm not mad at her, I'm angry at myself." he said honestly. "I'm mad that I haven't told the truth about her eggs and I'm angry that she don't need to bother. I walk around and am worried all the time, all for her sake."
I understood him.
"But have you tried to tell her the truth?" I asked quietly. He shook his head and he looked at the TV again.
"No, and I think that I now can't say a single word. I hope for a miracle and that you will get pregnant this time."
I frowned.
"And what if I miscarry?"
He sighed.
"I don't know!" He gave me a quick sad look. "And that's what I'm worried about!"
Actually I understood him. He had many thoughts, and he longed for a child. He wanted to have a child with Eleanor, but perhaps it wouldn't work?
"And if they notice that I wont get pregnant how hard we try?" I whispered uncertain. Louis looked at me again and this time, I saw the pain in his eyes.
"Seriously, I'm considering finding an egg donor and do it behind her back. The problem is that I need to find a girl who resembles about Eleanor, if the child's now going to be a copy of us."
I swallowed. Just at that moment, I was sad that I wasn't as beautiful as her. It would have been easy to say to him that he could take my eggs. It was nevertheless I who would be pregnant and my body might really liked my own eggs?
"I have many thoughts on how I can solve this." he whispered uncertain. "But I'm so afraid that doctors say too many things to her. They know that they can't mention anything about the problems, but who knows?"
I swallowed. I nodded.
"For once, I understand you." I whispered sweet. "I promise to try not to have a miscarriage this time."
He smiled weakly.
"You can't do anything about it. The problem's that I don't want you to go through this again and again." he whispered, "I don't want all three will suffer. It's enough that you set up for us."


That night I couldn't sleep. I went back and forth in the apartment and many times I went to the window and peered out to Louis's house. It shone in the windows and I knew that he was awake. I thought about to go to him and say that it would be okay, but at the same time I didn't want to disturb him. He had wanted to go home to the loneliness and perhaps he needed to think?

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