I walked, hand in hand with mum as Kylie chased behind me. Sometimes I felt bad that I didn't give her enough attention. Sometimes I wanted mum all to myself.
"Wait!" She called after me, but I didn't stop. I kept walking with mum, all the way till we got back to the car and then I sat at the front with mum as she drove. When she asked Kylie how she liked our visit to the highstreet, she just looked away. She was just hiding her tears; I don't know why she was always trying to look so grown up.
When we got home, I was just doing my homework and talking to Beckie, when she ran into my room, slammed the door behind her and started screaming about me ignoring her.
I knew she admired me and felt left out because I didn't play with her or something to entertain her all the time but that was no reason for her to get upset! She was in Year 4 and I was in Year 9. Despite our 5-year difference in age, I knew I tried to be grown up like mum and she would try to copy me.
I just ignored her and carried on doing my work. Then she started crying, but she looked more frustrated and angry than sad and stomped out. I sighed. Beckie, who had witnessed the whole thing, started laughing really loud and I started laughing too. She stopped, told me my sister was a big crybaby and carried on. I felt a part of me want to stop laughing and tell her to find someone else to laugh at but I didn't say anything and kept laughing. Although the laughter was supposed to mean I was happy or something was funny, it was a sound of agony for me. I didn't smile after that for the whole while that I worked.
After that when I was done, I just said bye to her and put my computer away. I wanted to call Kylie and tell her not to be mad at me but for some reason the part of me that wanted to keep the "cool" image prevailed and I ignored the voice in my mind that had been telling me to do the right thing all along.
We ate dinner in silence, but Kylie occasionally sniffled, and I instantly felt bad about making her cry and decided to wait till after we ate to talk to her. When I saw that that would take forever, considering she was still playing around with her mash, poking her fork in her vegetables then dropping them back down every few seconds, I changed my mind and hoped mum would leave to wash the dishes or something so I could talk to her alone, but I had no luck.
I guessed mum wanted to spend some time with her other daughter too.
I couldn't have her all to myself. I smiled. Kylie was so devoted to me she would have given up an opportunity to meet her favourite actors and actresses, just to have me to herself. She was the one person who I could trust with all my secrets, so why didn't I?
Why did I reject all her attempts of showing her love to me and instead choose to maintain this "cool" idea I had of myself?
As I wondered how much she hated me right now, she looked up at me from her unfinished meal - I felt really guilty for (most likely) being the reason she'd lost her appetite, my stomach felt queasy. Pain was clearly visible in her eyes, yet she looked at me…