Anakin Skywalker and the I-Won-The-Boonta-Eve-Podrace

Anakin Skywalker's perspective of "The Phantom Menace." Mostly played for laughs. Great insiparation from "Draco Malfoy And The Rejected Handshake," written by Mirlotta and her amazing co-authors. Enjoy!


11. The Sith Are Back?!

Finally. Obi-Wan has gone. At the last minute I restrained from beating up Obi-Wan. He's finally doing his own thing, and minding his own business. Thank goodness.

As I've said before, all manner of strange and frightening voyagers passed Tatooine. This included some pretty weird old droids.

One day, about a year ago, I was looking for something in Watto's junk heap when I came across an old war droid. This unit was really ancient. It was covered in rusty armored plating and even had a fuse box--something I'd only heard of.

Being curious about old technologies, I dragged it behind the shop and waited until Watto was gone and out of sight. Then I hooked it up to a power source, just to see what would happen. Just like I suspected--the unit was frozen. Most of its joints had dried up long ago.

But its electronics were still intact and it seemed to have a working holoprojector. I knew that Watto would care for a working holoprojector, no matter how old it was. He could always sell it to some local mechanic trying to build his own droid. Yes, I knew he was that sadistic.

I was in the middle of testing the holoprojector when a hologram burst on. It showed some sort of ancient battle, but the visual projector was really bad. How disappointing.

Suddenly, the audio came on! It, too, was in very poor quality and mostly static. But I could hear screams and grunts and panicked shouts. Something about the Sith this and the Sith that. I couldn't really get a handle on what was going on. All I could tell was that whatever these Sith things were, they were very, very bad.

I ran the sequence over and over again, trying to get a look at this Sith thing and figure out what could possibly be so terrible about it. While the screams of terror chilled me, they also fascinated me at the same time. But then disaster! The holoprojector stopped working. It looked like Watto wouldn't need this after all.

I couldn't get those vague sounds and images out of my head. On my way home I passed some cantinas lining the marketplace. Sitting outside one of them was a deep space pilot I saw around sometimes. According to my friends, he'd landed on Tatooine with no money or fuel and seemed to be content to spend the rest of his days sitting in the shade from the twin suns telling anyone who would take the time to listen about his travels. Personally I miss those 2 suns. It was he who first told me about the angels on Iego. No, I don't think Padme lived there anymore. I don't know where she lives, though.

The old spacer waved at me, and I went over to sit down with him and chat. I knew he was the real thing because of the Old Republic fighters corps badge he wore. I asked him if he'd ever heard of a Sith Lord. To be honest, I expected him to chuckle and shake his head.

But he didn't.

He turned pale. His eyes widened. His jaw dropped. He looked around with a panicked expression. "Where did you hear about them?" he shrieked. "Are they back? Are they here on Tatooine?"

I was just like, Dude, do you ever give anyone the benefit of the doubt? Has the heat drained you of your sanity? I didn't say that though because, as you know, I am kind and loving and selfless. So I said instead, "Easy, spacer. I've just seen an ancient hologram in the junk shop I work at." It took him a few minutes to calm down and tell me the story. Here's what he told me:

1. The Sith came into being thousands of years ago. They were founded by a rogue Jedi who believed that the side of the Force that benefits its users is the dark side. Not the light. He recruited more Jedi and they found the true secrets the dark side held.

2. For a long time the Sith had been the most frightening culture in all the land. Fiercer even than the Jedi. Because unlike the Jedi, the Sith were evil.

3. The good news is that their evil finally consumed them and they finally battled each other. Soon all of them were destroyed. But one survived in secret.

And here in the Jedi Council Chamber, I heard the word spoken again. Sith Lord. That's what Qui-Gon thought the dark warrior (DUN DUN DUN) was.

If Queen Amidala--and Padme, of course--were being stalked by a Sith, I knew they were in mega-danger! I was so preoccupied by this terrifying thought that I barely heard Yoda tell the Council that my fate would have to be decided later.

"You'll have to stay with me," said Qui-Gon, "since you have nowhere to go."

Yoda and the others agreed, but they warned Qui-Gon that while I accompanied him, I would not be traineed. (Spelling error! Oops. Well, who cares? Well, if I'm such a genius-- *scribbles it all out*

When I left the Council, my head was spinning. So much had happened. So many things have been discussed! I don't know what to think. There was the doubt over my future. And Obi-Wan's obvious hatred of me. But also the threat to the Queen and the danger Padme must be facing...

And now I'm headed with Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan to the planet of Naboo, where they would attempt to protect the Queen from the evil and mysterious Sith Lord (DUN DUN DUN). I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't afraid. But I'm also excited to go.

To me, Coruscant has become a place where everyone treats me, a 9-year-old genius, like a kid. I felt so helpless. I can only hope that it'll be different on Naboo.

Qui-Gon's signaling to me. It's time to head for Naboo.


Oops, looks like I forgot to indent for the next entry. Oh well. I couldn't find Padme so I've decided to finish this entry. Now I'm in the cockpit of the Nubian spacecraft I had fixed, writing.

You see, Coruscant at night is as amazing as it is by day. The whole cliche of a planet is lit by the lights of its single city. Anyway, enough said. I stood on the ever-so-windy landing platform with Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, and Artoo-Detoo. Yes, Artoo-Detoo. Hm. That name's got class. Ever since the meeting with those Jedi brats, they've felt uncomfortable with each other. Now, on the platform, their faces showed their feelings loud and clear.

I wish I could listen, but their voices were whisked away by the wind. Then I remembered how the Council told me that when I relaxed and cleared my mind, I could easily see the pictures behind Mace's viewing screen. Now I'll do the same thing. Yes, I know the Jedi were skilled at masking their thoughts if they suspected someone was eavesdropping on them. But I doubted they would suspect me, small and meek as I am.

So finally I "listened" and learned that Obi-Wan thought the council would be right in denying me Jedi training. What a jerk! He said the whole Council sensed that I was dangerous.

Dangerous?! I had to stop myself from arguing. How could Obi-Wan say I was dangerous? Oh, I get it. That's why he hates me. He thinks I'm sadistic and plan on joining the dark side! What the heck? I am not a bad guy! Besides, what would I want from the Sith?

Thus I was relieved at Qui-Gon's comforting words: "His fate is uncertain. He's not dangerous. And FYI, they haven't made their final decision. Now get on board."

Reluctantly he did.

I was glad he did because I wanted to tell Qui-Gon everything that was on my mind. "Qui-Gon, sir, I don't wanna be a problem. I don't want to be in the way when you and your friends confront the Trade Federation, or the Sith Lord (DUN DUN DUN)--"

"Don't worry, Anakin. You won't be a bother," he said. "I will not go against the Council by training you, but that doesn't mean you can watch and learn from me and Obi-Wan. And above all, stay close to me and you will be safe and sound."

It seemed he was waiting for the Queen and in no big hurry, so I asked him one more question: "Qui-Gon, sir, I heard Master Yoda talking about midi-chlorians. What are midi-chlorians?"

Qui-Gon explained that they were microscopic life-forms that lived inside of me. Inside of everyone. They depended on each other. They need us to live, and we need them to know about the Force. If I quiet my mind, maybe I can learn a thing or two from these...cells.

Suddenly, we were interrupted by an air transport carrying the Queen.

"Oh, I'm so glad to see you," she said. "I'm afraid that the Trade Federation means to destroy me." Qui-Gon promised her that wouldn't happen.

The Queen had a small group with her. But before I could look for Padme, in came Jar Jar Binks! Another attempt fails. He burst out of the transport and started hugging me. All he could talk about was how glad he was to be going home. By the time I managed to get out of his grasp, the Queen and her guards had gotten on board.

Finally I made it to the control center. This was by far the most advanced cockpit I'd ever seen. I wasn't sure about how the pilot, whose name was Ric Olie, would feel about me hanging around, but he didn't mind a bit. In fact, he went over all the controls with me.

The strange thing was that while the Nubian spacecraft had many more controls than any ship I'd seen in Watto's junkyard, the basics were the same. It should not have been a surprise, knowing how brilliant I am. I identified the thrusters, stabilizers, and repulsors. Ric Olie was impressed, like many before him.

I didn't see Padme until the very end of the flight. We'd entered the Naboo atmosphere and were starting to land. When I came out of the hydrolift, the Queen and her people were in the main hold waiting to disembark.

And there she is! From the way she carried herself, I could see that she was prepared to fight. I sensed that she was just as well trained in warfare as in attending to the Queen.

That's when my dream came back to me. Once again I saw Padme leading that huge army, and i knew that she could do it.

Padme seemed surprised to see me. But pleased, too. She told me the Queen had delivered my message on Coruscant. And then she asked me what was going on at the Jedi Temple.

I told her the bad news. How the Council might not train me after all. I could tell she was disappointed. And worried, too. "Are you all right?" I asked. "You're trembling. What's going on?"

She told me that the Queen decided that her people had to go to war against the Trade Federation. "I may not be a Jedi, but that doesn't mean I can't help," I said eagerly. Padme smiled at me. It was a sad smile.

The ship landed with a small jolt. When the hatch opened, I expected to see a landing pad and some sort of city. Thus I was in for a surprise.

Because all I saw was a swamp.

WTH? It's time to go!

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