Anakin Skywalker and the I-Won-The-Boonta-Eve-Podrace

Anakin Skywalker's perspective of "The Phantom Menace." Mostly played for laughs. Great insiparation from "Draco Malfoy And The Rejected Handshake," written by Mirlotta and her amazing co-authors. Enjoy!


10. And...I'm Rejected! :0

Has there ever been a time, in your life, when the best day of your life turns into the worst day in your life? That's what happened to me. I just hope this entry doesn't become a scar when I see my journal again. This is the worst.

I'm going to run, slam the bathroom door, and scream as loud as I can...

OK, I'm back.

You see, the Jedi Temple is easily spottable on Coruscant, even amid Coruscant's excellence. But it's all a cliché now--this building is an infamous memory. And trust me, I know a thing or two about memories.

Okay, okay. I can do this. *earthshaking sigh* The taxi brought me to another waiting room outside another grand chamber. And again it was cold. Unlike the dual suns Tatooine orbited, Coruscant orbited a single sun.

As I waited, I noticed something written above the door:

There is no emotion; there is peace.

There is no ignorance; there is knowledge.

There is no passion; there is serenity.

There is no death; there is the Force.

The words were stark and bare. All of a sudden I felt a little afraid.

Emotion? Up till now, pretty much all of my life had involved emotions like anger, or fear, or even hatred. How could you grow up a slave and not know those emotions?

Ignorance? I didn't have to spend much time with learned people like Qui-Gon and Padme to realize that I had grown up surrounded by ignorance. Slave boys--and girls--received no schooling or training. What we learned, we learned on our own. And even though my mother had taught me everything she knew, I was shocked to realize how much a genius like me still has to learn.

Death? Even at my young age, I had seen plenty of it.

It was sunset when Qui-Gon finally came for me. He apologized for making me wait so long and explained that the Council had several surprisingly serious matters to deal with. I didn't ask what they were. Qui-Gon would have told me if he wanted me to know. But I figured the dark warrior (DUN DUN DUN) was one of them.

Qui-Gon led me into the Council Chamber. The room was circular, its ceiling domed, its walls lined with large windows looking out upon the city. I found myself standing with Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan, surrounded by the 12 members of the Jedi Council. Men, women, and aliens, they was (Sorry, I meant were) seated in a circle. But the strangest was the one who looked the most important. He was as unlike a Jedi I could have imagined.

They called him Yoda and he was no bigger than a Jawa. But unlike a Jawa, whose rodent-like face is hidden under a hood, Yoda's almost bare, wrinkled head was uncovered. His face was light green. He had a forehead lined with squares and bulging eyes and weird yet relevant ears. Had I come across him on Tatooine I wouldn't have looked twice. But I have to admit that I was surprised to find such a bloke at the head of the Jedi Council.

I wish I could say that I was greeted with welcoming smiles and open arms. But the Jedi Council gave me grave looks. Only Yoda didn't make a face at me.

In a low, gravelly voice Yoda said I should relax and clear my mind. Dude, this isn't a meditation. He also said I would be asked some questions. Everyone went silent. Another important Jedi named Mace Windu picked up a small viewing screen, but I couldn't tell what was on it. Fine. I'll meditate for crying out loud!

It worked! Suddenly, it feels like I've got X-ray vision. I saw it loud and clear: a Republic Cruiser. A Rodian cup. A Hutt speeder...

Mace Windu nodded approvingly and turned off the viewing screen.

"How feel you?" asked Yoda.

I told him the truth. I felt cold.

He replied with another question: "Afraid are you?" I told him I wasn't.

"And are you afraid to give up your life?" asked Mace.

I have to admit I hesitated there for a moment. I thought of Mom. Of how I missed her and how unhappy she'd be if I died.

What have I done?

It's too late. Those flippin' telepaths saw my thoughts. They knew I missed Mom. It definitely made me a little mad. They'd read my thoughts so clearly and they knew something about me I didn't want them to know. When Yoda asked me if I was afraid to lose her, I snapped back, "What's that got to do with anything?"

"Everything!" Yoda calmly replied. "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger...anger leads to hate...hate leads to suffering!"

I panicked. I was failing the test! And that made me really mad. To come this close to my dream...I couldn't fail. I just couldn't! I insisted that I was not afraid.

The Council members glanced at Yoda, who nodded knowingly. "A Jedi must have the deepest commitment, the most serious mind," he said. "I sense much fear in you."

I fought back the impulse to argue. Instead I knew I had to answer calmly and firmly. And without anger. I remembered what was written on the door--there is no passion, there is serenity.

"I'm not afraid," I said softly.

The faces of the Jedi were blank. I couldn't tell if they believed me. But Yoda said we could continue...


More questions followed. I tried my very best to answer them honestly and not let my emotions get in the way.

When the questions ended (finally!) Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, and I left the room and waited outside. Neither of the 2 Jedi revealed very much. I finally sat down and started writing about Coruscant and the Queen. But I'm not here anymore for this entry. Anyway, I sensed that Qui-Gon was eager and hopeful. Curiously, Obi-Wan seemed to be feeling the direct opposite. From him I sensed impatience, annoyance, and even hatred. I know he loathes me, but can we at least be in the same room together!

Meanwhile, the Council members spoke quietly. Recalling how easy Yoda had read my thoughts, I wondered whether they shared their own thoughts about my future. I might have been able to control my thoughts, but I couldn't control my heart. It was pounding as hard as if I was in the last stretch of a Podrace.


Finally, we were called back into the Council chamber. Yoda and the other Jedi spoke. They said I had a really high amount of midi-chlorians and that the Force was strong in moi.

Qui-Gon was glad. "He is to be trained, then?" he asked eagerly.

But his words were met by an uncomfortable silence. Brace yourself for a nightmarish phrase:

"No," said Mace Windu. "He will not be trained."

I couldn't stop the tears that flooded in my eyes. I'd come all this way! They said the Force was strong with me. How could they do this?!

Qui-Gon seemed stunned and asked the Jedi Council why they made this awful decision. Mace explained that I was too old to begin the training.

Too old? I'm only 9! It sounded crazy, but then I remembered what an old spacer had told me. He knew all about the Jedi and even flown into battle with them once, a long time ago. I remember now that he said Jedi were almost always identified before they turned 1 year old.

Then Mace added that the Council sensed that I was hateful and that there was too much anger inside me.

I wanted to tell them they were wrong. If there was anger in me I could learn to control it! I could rise above it! But I knew I had to appear calm. I couldn't let them know I was feeling anger about anger.

Qui-Gon argued some more. He refused to accept the Council's decision. "He is the Chosen One," he said, "and you have to accept that."

The chosen one?!

Even Obi-Wan reacted to those words, staring in surprise at Qui-Gon  and then at me and at Qui-Gon again.

Yoda only said that my future was clouded. They couldn't be sure.

I didn't understand. What did they mean by "Chosen One?" Why did I come all this way and leave the only life I knew just to be REJECTED?

Qui-Gon couldn't take it. He said that even if the Council rejected me he would be my tutor and I would be his "Padawan Learner." What's a Padawan? I probably shouldn't ask right now, though.

Obi-Wan looked shocked. His jaw dropped and he looked as if he were about to challenge Qui-Gon. But then he caught himself. I may have imagined it, but for a split second I thought he stuck his tongue out at me before turning to face the Council. (I did no such thing, Ani.) Obi-Wan, what are you doing here? (Making sure your diary is factually accurate.) Bug off, Obi-Wan! (Fine!)

From the looks on the Council's faces, I knew that Qui-Gon had gone too far. Yoda said it was impossible to take me as an apprentice if he already had Obi-Wan on his mind. Qui-Gon assured the Council that Obi-Wan was ready. "He is headstrong, but capable." (And he said I still had much to learn of the living Force.) Shut up, Padawan!

Obi-Wan nodded. "I am ready to face the trials of becoming a Jedi Knight."

Again, the faces of the Council disagreed. "Decide who is ready, our own Council will." And yet Qui-Gon said he had taught Obi-Wan everything he knew. (Finally! You got something right!) STOP IT!!!

Suddenly the discussion stopped in its tracks. Mace Windu told us that my fate would have to wait. Hey, that rhymes! (Nobody cares.) The Senate was voting for a new Supreme Chancellor. Queen Amidala was reurning (Ani, you made a spelling error.) SHUT THE FREAK UP!!! *rolls eyes and keeps writing* Queen Amidala was RETURNING to her home planet on Naboo. Why she was going I did not know. Just then Mace warned that it would widen the confrontation with the Trade Federation.

Another Jedi with a bald head shaped like a flattened oval said it would also draw out the Queen's attacker. (That's Ki-Adi Mundi, genius.) Oh, thanks. And no thanks. Despie (Another spelling error, Ani!) DO YOU EVER GET SICK OF ANNOYING PEOPLE?! Despite! all my mixed up feelings, I was now certain that Yoda was speaking of the dark warrior (DUN DUN DUN). I was scared for the Queen.



I'd be much more concerned about her than the Queen. After all, she IS accompanying her. What if the dark warrior (DUN DUN DUN) slashes her with a swipe of his blade?

The councilors spoke in serious tones. One of them said the events were moving too fast. (That was Ki-Adi Mundi, genius.) Obi-Wan, please! *agonized look* Mace Windu told Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan to go with the Queen to Naboo. He wanted them to protect the Queen and discover the identity of the dark warrior (DUN DUN DUN). (Anakin, there's gotta be a way to combine that into one sentence.) AAAARRRGGGGHH!!! And then I heard a word, a thing I doubted truly existed...until now. (Anakin, seriously. Get to the freakin' point.)

ALL RIGHT THAT'S IT I QUIT!!! *sighs* For now. Once Obi-Wan stops bugging me. (Hee hee.) SHUT THE HELL UP BEFORE I POUND YOU INTO A PULP!!!!!

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