Dante's Inferno in a Cracked Nutshell

My mostly accurate, definitely more entertaining, summarized re-telling of Dante's Inferno. Don't ask. All credit for actual information goes to the one and only Dante Alighieri. So I guess you could call this an "Inferno fanfiction" if you wanted to.

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6. Dante rushes out of hell because (1) it's creepy down near Satan and (2) the author got tired.

    Dante nodded. They then went to this place with a bunch of giants. They ran into this really, really huge giant and he said, “Gagjb babgjbg bjeoe wlwlw sjdhfe adne as slekngn.”

    And Virgil was like, “K,” and they moved on. He whispered to Dante. “That was Nimrod who is being punished for the Tower of Babel incident.” He pointed to another giant with his hands in chains. “That’s Ephialtes, who took up arms against the giants and now he can’t use his arms, get it??”

    Dante laughed. And then he found Antaeus. He was big and scary.

    “Hey, can you give us a lift?” Virgil asked brazenly.

    “If that one praises me,” he said, pointing to Dante.

    “You’re the biggest, most fearsome, scariest giant EVER,” Dante said immediately. He wasn’t even lying.

    “Thanks,” Antaeus said, blushing. He picked them up and deposited them on the ninth circle, first ring, where the traitors to their kin were. It was freezing.

    “I though hell was supposed to be hot,” Dante complained, shivering.

    Virgil grinned, “Twist plot.”

    “It’s ‘plot twist’.”

    “Yeah, well I’m out of the loop on the modern ling, shut yo’ face.”

    Dante looked confused but took a step. 

    “Careful!” Virgil said. “Look.”

    Dante looked  down to find a bunch of heads buried in the ice. “The traitors to their kin?” The ring was called Caina.

    “Yep. So cold hearted that they’re buried in ice.”

    Dei Pazzi is a sinner here, just so you know. I don’t have time to write his dialogue. Somewhere in here they also cross into the Antenora, traitors against homeland.

    Then, Dante kicked someone in the face.

    “OW!” 

    “Oops, sorry.”

    “Jerk,” the head said.

    “Take that back. I said I was sorry.”

    “No.”

    Dante fumed. “Take it back or...or...I’ll rip your hair out!”

    “NO!”

    Dante ripped his hair out which was gruesome and made the guy yell.

    “Shut up Bocca!” another sinner called.

    “Yeah, shut up, Bocca,” Dante said heartlessly as he continued on. Then, he found a guy eating another guy’s head and promised to give them news of the world if they told him why.

    “I ate my sons,” Count Ugolino said sadly. “And this Archbishop Ruggieri caused it.”

    “That’s gross.”

    Dante continued on. 

    “Wait! What about the news?”

    Dante glanced back. “Meh.”

    Another head started to talk. “Hey, I’m Alberigo and I invited a bunch of my family over for dinner and had them killed.” This is in Ptolomea, the third ring, traitors against guests.

    “Did you eat them?” Dante asked.

    “No.”

    “Good. It’s not a pretty sight, I hear.”

    “Just as pretty as the fact that when our souls come here our bodies on earth get possessed by demons,” Alberigo said.

    “That’s creepy.”

    “‘T’is. But Branca D’Orio did the same thing.”

    “I refuse to believe that of a guy whose name sounds like milk’s favorite cookie.”

    And they continued to the next ring, Judecca, traitors against benefactors. This is the worst ring and it housed Satan right in the middle with three faces and three sets of huge bat wings that were making the wind. He was eating sinners like someone would eat eucharist. In fact, he was currently munching on Judas with his red mouth because he betrayed Jesus, Brutus with his black because he betrayed his BFF and Cassius with his yellow because he betrayed his whole country (Rome). 

    The souls in this circle were completely frozen. Like, totally.  No light, warmth or human love. Sad, but not sad enough to make Dante want to stay.

    “Great, seen all of hell. Now can we get out of here?” he asked Virgil.

    “Sure thing,” Virgil said.

    They climbed across Satan’s furry flank for whatever reason and went down through the center of the earth where the gravity shifted. 

    “Coooooool,” Dante said, walking on the ceiling.

    “You do realize that we now have to climb with gravity against us, right?” Virgil asked.

    “Not so cool.”

    “No.”

    And so they climbed. And climbed. And finally they came out and saw stars. And Dante turned to Virgil and began to tear up.

    “Thanks, man. Thanks so much. You literally went through hell for me. I love you, man. I’m gonna miss you...”

    They hugged.

    Virgil patted Dante on the back. “Hey, don’t worry. I can stick with you for purgatory.”

    Dante pulled back in happy surprise. “Really? Yay!”

 

 

The End.

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