Harry was sitting in the armchair in front of me. In his hands he was holding an old photo album. At first I didn't recognize it, but then he finally flipped a page and I saw the smiling face of my best friend, back when he was still alive. Harry was looking at old pictures of his parents. Suddenly I got hit by a black shadow that seemed to swallow me for a few seconds. But I managed to push it away again. I just missed them so much. The pain in my soul suddenly felt really near. I had been so focused on pushing my feelings away, that it wasn't until this very moment that I realized how big the hole inside me had gotten. A huge part of me was missing and I missed them all so horrifying much. I just hadn't realized how much...
I looked at him for a while. He looked exactly like James, and for some reason that made me even more sad. He meant so much to me. He was the only one I had left. I would do anything to protect him.
I was so busy looking at him, that it took a bit of time for me to realize, that he was looking up from the book and at me. I put on a smile, and walked over behind him, put my right hand on his shoulder and looked at the picture he had stopped at. Immediately everything inside me froze. The picture was taken so long ago, in a time that seemed to be unreasonably happy. The worries of the war had not yet hit us at the time, and everything was pure happiness. It was the wedding of my best friends in the world. They where standing close together, kissing. I remembered how their hands had not parted for a second the entire day. They looked so happy.
A tear escaped the corner of my eye, but I managed not to let it show in my voice.
"It's a beautiful picture," I said. Harry had teary eyes himself.
"I like looking at them...It makes me forget for a few seconds...that they are not really here. Look at how happy they are." I nodded, until I realized he couldn't see it.
"It was one of the best days of my life," I mumbled and I wasn't even sure he had heard it. He flipped another page. Once again I felt my entire world colapse around me and I saw myself fall to my knees. Harry didn't notice, he was busy looking at the exstremely beautiful young girl giving Lily a giant hug. In one hand she was holding the bride's bucket, which she had caught earlier. I felt the carpet underneath my sweaty palms and everything darkened before my eyes. Lydia...
"Who is this girl?" Harry asked and turned around to look at his godfather. I wasn't behind him, and quickly he got up from the chair, the picture of the most beautiful, amazing girl ever to walk this earth dissapeared between the hundreds of other pictures. But her smile had burned through my mind for fifteen years, without resting one single day.She was the first thing I saw, when I closed my eyes. She was the last thing I think of before I fall alsleep, and the first thing I think of when I wake.
"Sirius! Are you okay?" Harry hurried down beside me, and placed his arms around me. I had to fight not to cry. My whole body was shaking violently.
"Yes...Of course!" Noone would have fallen for that. My voice was shaking along with my hands, when I reached for the armchair to get up from the floor.
"What is wrong?" Harry demanded to know. When I didn't reply, he started shouting, which of course woke my mother in the hall. "SIRIUS!" It shook me awake and I stumbled to my feet, ficated on my mothers shoutings, all lost in the idea of having a goal. To make her stop shouting. After that, I did not know what would become of me. If I would ever be able to keep the tears back again.
Harry ran after me, as I made my way through the room, shaking and walking into things, having to take breaks, close my eyes and regain breath. But of course that only made things worse.
"Sirius, are you alright? What is wrong? Should I call Molly?!" The bare mentioning of "calling" a wizard almost made me laugh, but instead it became unsetteled sounds under my breath, the sound trying to find it's way in life, but being strangled by the cold wind of reality.
"No...No no, don' bother. I'm fine! I just need that horrible woman to shut up!" I shouted as I reached the hall and raised my wand, managing to hex her and pull the curtains and making my way back to the living room. I fell down in my chair. Broken. Harry had followed me.
"Sirius, you gotta ell me what is bothering you." It took all the effort I could manage to look up at him and meet the eyes that where exactly like Lily's and form this single word, that had been my reality for such a long time.
"Everything." I didn't hide from him. I couldn't hide. Not from him. From anyone. Not any more. He deserved to know. He deserved to know what had happened to us, all those years ago. And furthermore I wanted to share. I rose from the chair and walked over to the window, where the rain outside in muggle world fell, as if the entire universe was crying my pain out too. Or maybe it was just because this was London and here it rained 300 days a year. I had always hated the rain. Even after I became an animagus, I hated that the sun didn't shine. I felt depressed, and had often asked her to move with me. Away from England. The rain. The ghosts. But she had always reassured me, that this was home. She had loved England. And so England became my prison, because I couldn't leave without her. And now I could never leave.
"Her name was Lydia. The most beautiful girl in our year. Like hell I hated her at first. She drove me mad, because nomatter how badly she played, she kept keeping my heart in and iron grip and she has't let go to this day." I looked at my reflection, but I didn't see myself. Instead I hear the purest sound in the universe come to me thhrough the silence my words had left. I saw her in the window. Smiling and melting my heart all over again. "She used to hang with your mother. They'd known eachother always. The first time we met was on the Hogwarts express, the same day I became friends with your father. Back then I would never have dreamed of the feelings that would end up filling that tiny compartment."