The only thing I could think of was how disrespectful it was of me to put my empty shot glass in my wine glass that still had all the wine in it. Like that was rude as fuck of me to basically tell my wine I was done with it by putting the better stuffs empty container in it. That was fucked up.
Seriously fucked up.
“Tia why the heck are you staring at your glass so sad for?”
“You just wouldn’t understand...” I said in my grave voice because it was a serious fucking matter but I couldn’t explain that to Star.
Star, real name Starletta Leonore Lavinia Rodriguez. Her Mother apparently wanted her child to sound like some Mexican Mafia Princess. She wasn’t though. Star is like me. White trailer park trash. Or in her case, Mexican trailer park trash. We have lived our whole lives seven feet from one another in identical single wide trailers. We both went to the same shitty high school with dreams of graduating and leaving our shitty lives. We both are now 21 and still living at home with our same shitty parents with no way of leaving because we had shitty fucking parents. Her parents were both are fucked up as you could get. Her father spent time in jail for murder and looks like he could eat you alive. He is also a drunk who can’t get a job because he is a felon. Her Mother is a crack whore. No lie. Sleeps with men for money so she can do crack. Don’t worry though, her murdering husband doesn’t mind because he loves crack. He minds sometimes but he just beats her a little bit, does some crack and then doesn’t care anymore. Her Mother doesn’t care because she is so fucked up on drugs. Star also has three younger silbings. Daddy got sent to prison when she was still in her Ma’s stomach. Dad spent 17 years in prison, got out and his wife had two kids when he was gone. He was pissed but not mad enough to not fuck her and then beat the shit out of her. She got pregnant that time. So Star can’t leave her younger siblings to deal with the things she does or worse, get taken away. So she stayed after graduation and gave up on her dream of becoming a therapist. She works at the Piggly Wiggly in town making minimum wage and working maximum hours. To then get home and take care of three kids and then her Mother when her Dad got a little handsy. It was exhausting.
Then there is me, Constantia Elizabetta Bugiardini. Italian, Italian. And even though we are white trash we are still Italian and we deserve strong Italian names. I hate my name. When I graduated that Principle couldn’t even say it right even after he asked me a hundred times. He still got tongue tied. People just call me Tia. I don’t have any silblings. It is just my Ma, Lissandra Zaira Bugiardini, and I. Father Unknown. Not really. My Ma knows but she doesn’t say his name, ever. Just goes on and on about how they met and it was magic. They met at the bar in town. She was waiting for the new guy in town to show up. He was already 30 minutes late but she had decieded to wait because he was the first rich Italian she had ever seen and she wanted that. She had wanted to get out of the same shitty town and find bigger better things. She saw the new guy in town and all she saw was a ticket out of there. So yea she waited like the gold digger whore she was... is. She says she only waited one hour but I think it was more. My Ma is a liar. She says she got up to leave, and like something out of the movies, as she turned around the door opened. In walked three men but it was the middle one that caught my Ma’s attention. It wasn’t the new guy from town but something better. She says that they looked at each other and that was it. They spent the whole night talking then he took her to his hotel room and they had sex. I was conceived that night. He had to leave that night. He told her he would come back for her and that he loved her. So she waited and waited. Three months past and she learned of me. She says she tried to look up his number but it wasn’t listed. Her Ma tried to make her have an abortion. He showed up a month later and she says he was happy. He cried. That he took the sonogram of me and promised he would be back. This time he came back a week later. Asked her to marry him. Said he had a few things to get in order at home then he would come back for her. Ma went to Nonna house and flaunted the ring. And the fact that she was going to marry a high class Italian that she was actually in love with. Nonna was happy because she thought she was going to be moving up with Ma. So she waited and waited. After eight weeks, she called. This time he had left his number. A lady answered. Said she was his wife and laughed, saying he would never leave her. Ma was heartbroken. Apparently that is why she is they way she is.
Lissandra is hooked on drugs. Just about anything she can get her hands on she does. She says it numbs the pain but I call bullshit. She is also hooked on men. Mainly the ones who beat her but also give her drugs. So currently it is the Sheriff. He is a creepy older man who is always staring at me weirdly. He likes my eyes. Says he gets lost in them. They are a strange kind of violet color. I hate them. I hate him. He keeps my Ma so fucked up she can’t even work. So I am covering the bills. He basically stay at our house but doesn’t pay shit. I want to shot him in the balls. So I gave up on my dream of whatever the fuck I was gonna do to stay at home with my Mother, to make sure she doesn’t choke on her own vomit.
That is life I guess.
Funny fact, Bugiardini means little liars in Italian. Fits seeing how my Ma is a liar but so am I. Seeing as I am about to lie to my best friend so she doesn’t know how fucked up I really am and makes us go home.
“I was thinking about how I don’t have any more money for shots so I am going to flirt to gets some. That makes me sad.” I sigh. I really don’t have any money and really do have to flirt to get some. Fuck my life.
Star laughs. “You know I got you chica.”
I smile because she is my best friend and I am lucky to have her. I go to tell her that just as her phone rings. Star jumps down off the stool to get her phone out of her pocket. She just looks at the screen. She can’t answer because she is out of minutes.
“Who is it?”
Star looks up at me with her tired brown eyes and I know it is her Mother. I just nod and tell her to ask the bartender for a phone. He gives her one. I stare at her the whole time because her parents don’t just call her for anything. They just wait until she gets home to show her whatever shit she has to fix for the day. So this must be bad. Real bad.
I watch as my best friend breaks down and says she will be right there. She grabs my arms and yanks me off the stool.
“We have to go.” Star cries.
“What? Why? What is going on?”
She just cries. By now the bartender is looking at me like I need to get this crazy mexican bitch out of his bar. And I do. I walk her to the door and down the street holding her hand. Not talking because I know when my best friend just needs me to be quiet. I know she will talk when she wants to. We get just a few blocks from our trailer park when I see the blue lights.
“Mom was screwing Jimmy the Landlord for free rent when Dad walked in. You know him, he can know about it happening but he doesn’t want to see it. He went nuts and killed Jimmy. Beat Mom. The cops were called. He was taken to jail and the kids were taken away. They had fucking drugs on the table.” She just looks at me like I know the answer the all the questions she has in her head. I just don’t know what to do. “WHO THE FUCK DOES THIS KIND OF CRAP???” I just shake my head because I can’t help her understand. She is just crying and crying.
No one really liked Jimmy the Landlord anyways. Always did stare at the little girls a little bit too long for anyones liking.
I didn’t say that though.
She would just say I was saying what her Dad did was okay.
We finally make it to our trailers. Cops are everywhere. Even my Ma is on the front porch, dressed. She may be there because of the murder or it may be because she is watching “her man” work. Star’s mom screams her name and throws herself in her arms. I just back away. I don’t do good with shows of affection. Freaks me out. Star looks back at me and nods her head. She knows I need to leave. I nod mine right back letting her know I am here for her. She understands.
I walk to my trailer. “Hey Ma.” She just nods.
Stepping into my house all I smell is cigarettes and musk. Like someone recently had sex in here.
Ewww. Nasty little fuckers.
We live in a two bedroom one shower trailer. We have a small living room white a brown couch that has seen better days and a coffee table. A small flat screen tv that the Sheriff got because he “just can’t miss his games.” We have a little kitchen that is falling apart but it works so I guess that is all that matters. A rusty small ass bathroom. My room with just a bed and dresser. Then my Mothers room. That is it. You stand on one side of it you can see the whole things. Nothing special but it has always been home.
I grab my towel to take a shower so I can watch off some of this drunkenness off of me and turn around. I scream.
“What in THE MOTHER FUCK?”
“You do not speak to your Mother like that.” Ma says.
She just snuck up on me. I didn’t hear shit. Maybe I am more drunk than I thought. She is just standing there staring at me all creepy.
“Sorry Ma was just going to take a shower.”
She just continues to stare at me like I’ve said nothing. It really is starting to freak me out. “Is everything okay?” I ask.
She smiles. “You are very beautiful.” I don’t know what to say because she has never complimented me before. “Don’t come out of your room for a little bit sweetie.” I still stand there frozen because she nevers calls me sweet names. Just the mean ones.
I shake it off.
“Guess I won’t be getting my shower.” I mumble.
She likes to think that when she tells me to stay in my room she is saving me from knowing she is a whore. Just because I can’t see doesn’t mean I don’t hear. But I let her live in her little fantasy world because it is kind of sweet she is trying to shield me for once.
As I fall asleep all I can see is that weird smile on my Moms face.