I stood in the mirror, pulling on the bottom of my blazer and fighting with my tie. I felt like screaming, this shouldn't be happening.
I finally got the tie done right and I stood there, starring at myself. I had become a mess. A white, pale mess. I'm a terrible dad, I sometimes ignore Aofie because she reminded me too much of eve. Sometimes I felt some sort of resentment towards her, I love her more than words can describe, but I feel like blaming her for Eve's death.
But I shake my head when I feel like that, it wasn't the labour, it was a piece of her own bone lodged in her lung.
I sigh as I pick up my baby girl, I hold her close to me, she already looks so much bigger than last week. Her eyes are as blue as mine and her hair as dark as her mothers. I can't help the smile that pulls across my face as she reaches for my face and her tiny fingers grab my nose.
"I love you, I hope you know." I smile and feel tears starting to form in my eyes.
I take her over to her changing table and lay her across it, changing her diaper and dressing her Ina beautiful black and white dress and place a little headband on her. Liam and Sophia had picked it up for her for the funeral.
I slipped her little shoes on and held her as I walked down the stairs, Ella was waiting by the door and I smiled at her. Even the dog has changed her spirit since Eve's been gone and that makes me even more sad than I already was. "I know, I know." I said as I patted Ella's head.
I placed Aofie in her seat and buckled her in before I walked out the door, Ella right behind me. I place Aofie's seat in the base in the car, opened the passenger side for Ella and started the car.
I didn't get out of the car for awhile. I just sat in there, my hands on top of the steering wheel, watching everyone gather around her grave that wasn't filled in yet. Her coffin hanging over the huge hole that goes six feet down with a tomb stone placed in the ground by it.
I took a deep breath and got out, getting Aofie out of her seat and letting Ella out. I held my daughter close to my chest as I walked over and everyone looked toward me. Their eyes were Sad, for me and my family, because they also lost a best friend, Harry was no where to be seen, but Gemma was there.
The Priest was standing by a podium, waiting for everyone to settle. We all sat, Ella was laying by my legs and i had Aofie in my arms still. She was being very good, which is weird. All she's done the last week is cry. She's only three and half weeks old, I put the funeral off as long as I could.
"Dear lord, we bring everyone together today for the sake of Eve Horan who has passed from us so suddenly." Gemma was crying beside me, I grabbed her hand and she smiled at me. "I would like to call Harry Styles to the podium." I looked around for Harry but he wasn't there. "Harry?" The priest asked.
"Here, sorry I'm late." I looked to the left and seen Harry in an all black suit with his hair pushed back and a piece of paper in his hand.
He looked at me and nodded, I returned it and he opened the piece of paper. He cleared his throat. "Eve-" he swallowed, he was having a hard time. "Eve was someone who became close to everyone very fast, without even meaning to. Eve was one of my best friends, and I wish I seen more of her before we lost her. I wish that Niall and I didn't get into that big fight over her, which made her choose him over me and that's when I lost her as my friend. But now, it's too late for me to make up for it. Eve, I wish you were here to make us all laugh, you had the trait of a god when it came to making bad situations good ones."
He looked over at her coffin and shook his head. Tears were pooling in his eyes and he looked like he had had enough of speaking on Eve's behalf. And that's when he walked over to her coffin and touched it with his hand and laid his head against it.
Eve and Harry always had a bond that I didn't like, but now, seeing him like this, I wish I wasn't stupid and young when I had met her. I would've been able to control my jealousy and make her happy.
I sniffed, wiping my nose and looking up as the priest called on everyone that had wanted to speak for her. I felt like I was there way longer than I wanted to be, and last but not least, it was finally my turn.
Gemma took Aofie for me as I slowly stood up, sucking in a deep breath and calling Ella by my side. I was miserable, and wanted nothing more than to be home with her and our daughter, laying on the couch and watching Eve play with her in front of the tv.
I coughed on my tears as I stood in front of everyone, looking at the dark wooden coffin and wanting to scream. "I, um." I stuttered. "I miss you, a lot." I nodded, starring at the ground as I felt the tears roll down my face. "I've never loved anyone or anything the way I loved you. I hope you know that, even when I acted like I didn't care, I did, I cared too much."
I wiped my cheeks with my hands. "You were, are, the most beautiful woman I've ever met, and I wish I had gotten to know you more. Because even though I felt like I could read you like a book, there was still questions that I had wanted to ask you. It's funny because I use to get irritated with you whenever you use to ask me questions on questions." I choked on my laugh.
"Baby girl, you are my fucking everything. I will never meet someone who even comes close to you." I played with the box in my pocket. "I wish that I got to use this sooner." I pulled out the box with the ring and Gemma cried out, including Sophia.
"You were the girl of my dreams. I waited so long for you, went through so much just to find you. I wanted you to be here for good, I wanted to make everything official. I wanted to watch you walk down the isle with that big Cinderella gown you had always gawk over whenever we walked by the store in Central New York."
"I wanted to hang photos of our Christmases together, all three of us. I wanted Aofie to be our flower girl and Gemma be your maid of honour like you had always said she would be. Even if you didn't marry me."
I was crying almost too hard to talk any further. "I miss you so much." I coughed. I laid my head on the podium and gripped my hair. "I love you so much. I wish you knew how much I actually love you." I said to her, looking st her coffin. "Holy fuck." I muttered.
I felt weak, like the life has been sucked out of me. "You are my fucking everything, I will raise our daughter the way you had always said you would. I will fuck up, but I will make you so proud, Eve." I walked over to coffin and kissed it. "I love you, so fucking much." I said and Ella came over to me.
I backed up, "lower it." I said and they did. Ella was crying beside me too, she put her paw up on the coffin whenever it got low enough. I wiped my red eyes on my shirt and took my daughter from Gemma and hugged her tightly.
Everyone said goodbye and left. I stayed afterwards and watched them fill in the hole with dirt. After they were done I placed Aofie in her car seat before walking back over to the grave.
I pulled out the ring again and starred at it. I moved some of the dirt with my hand and placed it in the small hole before covering it again. "I love you." I whispered. Ella laid her head on the tomb stone and whined. "C'mon." I whistled to her.
FIRST OF ALL! Let me apologize.
I am so sorry for being such a shitty writer and not writing for monnnnnths, I feel like crap and thought about you guys everyday!
Let me explain what my life has been like the last couple months.
End of August: my boyfriend and I of almost four years broke up, it ended with me walking into OUR FIRST APARTMENT TOGETHER and seeing a little scank on my couch, fixing her shirt and pulling her hair out of it, indicating, she had it off.
That ended with me loosing my shit. He had cheated on me, that time, was the forth time... Abused me for the last year and half, and if you don't believe me, I have the photos of every attack he made towards me. I put my fist through a window, and legit tried to kill him. I was arrested, it took four cops to pin me to the ground, followed by me getting sedated... I woke up in the hospital FUCKING CUFFED TO THE BED, because I was up on "attempted murder charges". I only got free of those because I HAD those photos of him assaulting me, and i claimed it was self defence because he DIDntry to beat me up for smashing the window.
A month and half later, I meet this new guy who ended up being a fucking drug dealer ( no I actually had no fucking clue what he was like.) I ended up getting pregnant by him... But because his life was so fucking stressful, plus getting kicked out of my house by my parents because I was pregnant, I ended up loosing the baby... I already had PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) from my relationship, that the miscarriage sent me into overdrive. I conceived my baby on October 15 and lost him ok November 23rd. I was almost 6 weeks and i went into a depression.
But now, I moved away from everyone, I'm happy. I'm doing a lot better! I feel like I can breathe without having the feeling of chokin back tears and I feel so free. I feel like I have my life together now & I'm extremely thankful for the host family that took me in as their nanny. I love the three kids I work with and the family I work for. I'm doing so much better that it makes me cry just thinking about it!
Im so sorry for being a shitty person and just not giving you guys anything to read. Hopefully I still have fans & didn't loose anyone from this book or my others ❤️ I love you guys more words can explain & i hope you can all forgive me.