The weekend was over and tomorrow I had to go to school. Same again, I always wondered if this life would ever change. I know one day I will grow older, and get a job. But it would still be the same. Instead of school, it would be job. So basically this is how life was, wake up, go to school, come back home and sleep, plus all those experiences in it. Today was sunday and I had school tomorrow. As usually, I slept crying and wishing I wouldn't wake up next morning, and woke up being disappointed and going to school. I just didn't get the point of my existent, I believed I was ugly and even if people tried to convince me I was beautiful I never believed it. I believed I was fat, okay yes I had a normal weight, but that wasn't normal for me, cause all my life I didn't have a normal weight, I was this little thin weak girl, but not anymore. I wasn't stupid, but wasn't smart either, yes I was lucky sometimes with my grades, but I was still not that smart, at least I didn't believe I was. So basically I didn't have the face, the body or the brain. That's what I believed, I wish I could change that and start liking myself but sadly I never did. I sometimes grabbed a knife and wanted to cut, but always put it back, I could not, I was stronger than that, I did not deserve scars on my arms, the scarfs on my heart was enough.
The though about being fat started in first year of high school, I got fat and was crazy about it. The though actually started when I saw my weight; 56 kg, 15 years old and only 1 meter and 65 cm! I was fat! And cried every night, that I now is almost used to it.
Some people called me fat sometimes when I told them my weight, I tried to hold back my tears but couldn't and people started calling me anorexia, I remember a boy from my class called me fat and I walked away and got tears and the other from my class stared at me. From that day the boys from my class called me anorexia.
I hadn't anorexia, but maybe I was getting it.
Every time I took a test on the internet for anorexia, the result was that I should go speak to a doctor and that I was probably developing anorexia.
I called a woman from a company to children and teenager, where children and teenager that needed to talk could call and talk. I told the woman about me being scared of looking in the mirror and cried myself to sleep. All she said was that I should not care too much about my weight cause after telling her my age, high and weight I had a normal weight.
See that is the problem in my family everyone is skinny and do not have a normal weight but is too skinny until they get married and get children. Some of them do not even get a normal weight after getting children and have to take pills to get fat.
But no not me I was that teenager family member that had a normal weight.
For some people over weight is fat but not for me, for me normal weight was fat.
That was the start, and sadly not the ending. I traveled with my family to meet the rest of the family. And every time we had visitors in our house there, people said that I got thicker or that I was thick! But of course they said it in a 'sweet' way so I didn't get hurt, but I did get hurt and cried every day. I talked to some friends about it and kind of regretted it after, because we had those serious talks about how I felt about my body. One of my friends actually began talking about how beautiful my body was, and that she wanted my body where I on the other side thought “no I want yours” because she had an underweight and beautiful body which I wished I had something close to.
I know I told some friends about it but the truth is I was still afraid of talking to anyone about it, because I wanted people to see the funny me, the girl who loved to live and have fun, not the sad and not thankful for her body girl, the girl with probably anorexia attacking her. And also whenever I talked to people about it I began crying.
I picked up a shirt, my ripped skinny black pants and of course my leggings under and my black long cardigan. I grabbed my bag, walked out and waited for the bus. The bus came luckily on time and I was in school early, I am usually always late, but I really wanted to change.
4 months earlier:
I walked in school. I was early, so I decided to go buy a hot chocolate and then I walked to the class. I then finished my hot chocolate and threw the cup out in the trash. I looked over at my friends and sat on the empty chair beside them. A half hour of class and my stomach started rumbling. Also after the lunch break my stomach rumbled, my stomach rumbled even if I was not hungry.
That happened every day and even today. I just did not get what was happening and after school, after job I was at my friend Amy, and talked to her mom about this rumbling thing even if I am not hungry. She told me that my stomach was empty, and I should eat, but how can I eat if I'm not hungry, I can’t force myself eating can I?... I asked. You have to eat or you will get sick, you will get weaker, you can risk getting anorexia, without even knowing what is happening… She said. All what was happening to me, all my theories about getting anorexia was not just theories, I really could risk getting anorexia. I was getting weaker, I fell all the time and even my little sister who was 3 years old did hurt me when she punches me. All this was not just theories!
What was happening to me? ……………………
Laila called me and asked me if I wanted to go shopping today, I agreed and walked into school.
2 months earlier:
I woke up today, it was weekend, my friend Laila and I was going out shopping. I just got a job, and she did too and now we were both happy thinking we were the richest people on earth. Teenager and having enough money to buy many clothes. Many can probably relate to this.
We walked down the shopping street looking at stores. Then as usually clumsy me, I walked in to a guy. His hair was messy blond. His eyes was shining blue like diamonds. His lips was perfectly light pink.
“Sorry, I didn’t look in front me, I didn’t really pay attention” I said.
“No worries” he said smiling and then my friend and I walked away.
We walked then in to a store, and I found the cutest clothes and was ready to pay. But guess what my card wasn’t there. I panicked and ran back to the place I fell. And there he was standing, smiling, looking at me and raising his hand to show me that he got my card. I walked toward him, smiled and reached out getting my card back.
“Thank you thank you so much” I said smiling wryly.
“I got you, don’t worry” he said smiling.
“Thank you” I said again.
“My name is Benjamin” He said.
“Gada” I said smiling.
“So are you and you're friend in a rush or just walking and shopping?” He asked.
“Just walking and shopping” I replied.
“Then would you mind if we hanged out with you girls?” He asked.
Laila began laughing. I wanted to laugh too but held it in.
“Yeah sure” I replied.
We walked around, shopped and then ate in a restaurant. We had really fun. Who would imagine that strangers walking on a shopping street could become our best friends? lovers? Or our worst enemies?