Save me from myself

Most people`s fear is death. But I guess I`m not one of these people, it`s not death I fear, it`s actually what I wish. What I fear is losing control, it`s getting crazy, and not being able to save me from myself.

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4. All my tears have been used up

I woke up looking all around the room. I must have fainted after I fell down the stairs. I was in a hospital room. I tried to get up, but I could not. My head began spinning so I had to lie down back again. I looked to my left. My bag was laying on a night stand. I grabbed my bag and took my note book out or more precisely my diary. I use a note book to write my journey, not because I can not buy a diary book, but I guess I do not want anyone to know that I have a diary where I write all my feelings and secrets. I then began writing in it.

Dear diary, I did not die. I just fainted after I fell down the stairs.  I am in the hospital now. They will probably never let me out of here, after getting crazy and cutting on my arms and my face. I do not get it, do I deserve all of this? What did I do? Why don't I deserve better?! I DESERVE BETTER!!!! I never did anything wrong! All I did was loving and being good to people, all I did was expecting love from people! ALL I DID WAS EXPECT SOMETHING GOOD FROM PEOPLE! I AM SO STUPID! how can I expect people to love me and be good to me?! I DESERVE ALL THIS! because I am stupid and crazy and!!!!

EXPECT, EXPECT AND EXPECT. Isn't that what we all do? 

I stopped thinking, when a woman came in. She looked at me smiling. "Hey there, how is it going? Are you feeling better?" She said. I did not respond. Why should I? "It's okay you don't talk to me, but by the time you will get used to me and everything will come out" She then said. Everything will come out, was she kidding,does this woman really think I want to share anything with her? I do not even want her to know my name! I just want her to leave me alone! She was probably my psychologist. I do not need a psychologist! Having a psychologist will only make me feel crazy, and hate myself even more than I already do. I wanted to cry, but all my tears is been used up. 

"Hey" I heard a male say, as he entered the room. I did not want to look, or know who it was. So I stayed laying in bed looking at the night stand. I could hear the steps coming closer to me. He sat on the bed and played with my hair. I wanted his hands removed, but I was so tired. Tired of everything. "I'm so sorry, for everything, you are right, even animals would help the ones they love" He said and began crying. I could feel the scars on my heart, but no tears came out, they have all been used up.  

"Please say something! please! DO NOT DO THIS TO ME! do not turn me into crazy! PLEASE!" He shouted. I did not respond. Even if he did deserve it, I could not make him go throw what I went throw.

"I forgive you" I said. "Really?" He said smiling. He opened his mouth and wanted to say the three magical words that made me fall in love with him completly "I lo..." "Benjamin you deserve better, I love you so much I wil let you go, you should not have all this around you, you should go focus on school, have fun with your friends and live your life, you should be happy" I said. "I am happy, because of you" He said with tears in his eyes. "No you think you are happy, but the true is that you are not, I'm not good for you" I said. " NO! NO! NO! YOU ARE LYING TO ME! I LOVE YOU! PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS TO ME!" he shouted.

"YOU LOVE ME! THEN WHAT?! WE WILL LIVE HAPPY FOREVER TOGETHER?! LOOK AT ME, I AM IN THE HOSPITAL! I HAVE A PSYCHOLOGIST BENJAMIN! I AM CRAZY! CRAZY! I WILL NEVER HAVE A NORMAL LIFE! AND SO WILL YOU NOT IF YOU DON'T LET ME GO AND GO LIVE YOUR LIFE!" I schouted at the top of my lungs. He began crying. Gosh a drama queen, I thought for a moment. Was I really getting cold hearted? "it's all because of me!" He said crying. "No it's not, if it wasn't you,it would have been another person. It's me I was crazy from the start, my heart could just not take another scar. I will be fine don't worry about me, just go live your life. If you love me let me go" I said.

He romoved the tears from his cheeks. " I love you princess" He said and left the room.

I felt a tear rolling down my face, I guess not all my tears have been used up. I then removed it and closed my eyes.  

 

 

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