Julianne Potters is everywhere and nowhere all at the same time.
About a week after her suicide, her father and mother scattered her ashes at a farm that she loved to visit when she was younger. I watched the girl that I had come to know for almost nine years float aimlessly across a green grass field and into a cool summer breeze.
I remember holding my breath until I couldn't see her anymore, until she was completely gone. It took me a while to realize that she was actually never coming back, that I was never going to see my best friend again. I could still feel her in my arms from that night, crying into my chest, telling me that she loved me. It just didn't make any sense, how could she just be gone?
It's been two months since she's died and I'm still having trouble trying to comprehend that fact. It's been two months and the only person that has ever been on my mind every waking second is Julianne Potters. She's no longer alive, but it's like she's alive in me. She's everywhere and nowhere all at the same time.
For two months I've been alone, wondering to myself; why did my best friend kill herself? Yeah, shit happened to her, it always does to good people, but I never once thought that she would kill herself because of it. Till this day that just didn't make sense to me. Julianne wasn't the type of person to let the world's overbearing crap beat her down to the point of no return. But on the last night that I ever saw her, that's honestly what it looked like. It looked like she was done with life, that she knew it was all about to come to an end. She knew that that was her last day on Earth, and all she wanted to do was spend it with me, and I, I-I just treated her like an asshole, I just let her-
I squeeze my eyes tightly closed. God, I hate this. Every time I'm alone, all I can think about is how it's my fault that she's dead.
"It wasn't your fault Alexander, you need to stop blaming yourself."
"You don't get it mom, I-I just let her go home that night, I didn't try harder to keep her with me. If I just tried a bit harder, she would still be alive right now!"
"That's not true Alexander, Julianne killed herself; you need to remember that, there was nothing else you could do."
I open my eyes again. She killed herself.
There was nothing else I could do.
I leave my classroom quickly as soon as the bell rings. There were so many students in that classroom yet I still felt so alone. It wasn't like everyone didn't ignore me before though, but now they actually have a reason to treat me like a piece of shit. The thing is, I don't care about what they think of me, because they don't get it. Their best friend never died, no, their best friend never killed themselves. I glance over at Marco Azo, he's laughing with his best friend Juan Pitino. I peer at Kaitlyn Madison, she's gossiping about her best friend, Lauren Thick, fuck her. I look at Henna Grace, she's holding onto her best friend's hand; Kella Morass.
My heart doesn't fail to drop at the sight of her face. Kella Morass, the girl that caused hell for my best friend for so long. She recently started dating her best friend Henna a few months ago, it caused a lot of rumors to circulate about her, not that I gave a shit, she deserves anything bad that comes at her; she deserves all hell.
I'm about to look away when our eyes accidentally meet. I can only hear my heart, my blood pulsing in my ears now. It's so loud, so deafening, and I hate it. She gives me a quick smile then, it's such a sorry smile. Why is she sorry for me? She should be sorry for herself. She's probably one of the reasons why my best friend chose to stop existing, she should feel bad about herself, she should feel bad for herself. Screw her and her stupid fucking smile.
I bite down hard on my lip and turn away. I hate it when I get like this. I sound like an evil dictator bent on getting revenge on the world and everyone and everything in it. But I can't help it, I want to get revenge on all of the people that did Julianne wrong, on all of the people that drove her to her death. B-But who are those people? And was it even them? What if Julianne killed herself for a totally different reason? A reason that I will never know.
"Hey Julianne, this is kind of a random question, but is there anything that I don't know about you?"
"Wow that is a random question."
"Yeah, sorry, just forget it, I was just wondering."
"Hey, you've known me for five years now Alexander, what is there that you couldn't know about me?"
"I-I don't know, that's why I'm asking."
"Right, well, I think you know everything about me."
"Yeah, I think."
"I'm sorry Alexander, but for now; all I can do is think."
A large hole opens up in my stomach. A hole that is full of the realization that I really didn't know my best friend as much as I think I did after all.
"Fuck," I choke underneath my breath.
I hate you Jules, I hate you so much.