Without you

What do you do when you lost your forever?


1. My forever

Walking, walking, and walking.

One foot before the other, always repeating. A system I got lost in, clinging onto it with dear life. The cold winter biting my pale cheeks, yet I feel nothing. I pass Christmas carollers, singing their happy tunes, wanting to hum along but finding myself mute, unable to get the happy tunes past my dried up lips.

The ice cracked beneath my boots, a sound that usually made me cringe. Normally thinking it sounded like I was breaking thousands of little bones, not wanting to cause harm to anybody. Yet again, I found myself numb, still surrounded by the darkness that was embedded in my heart. Not feeling, not caring.

Children ran past me, laughing, smiling… something that once made me smile. Something that once made me yearn for being a mother. Nevertheless, that was a dead dream.

How stupid I had been. Full of wishful thinking and petty worries. How I had thought a baby would make me whole and make it all go away, make me feel again.

Make the darkness disappear. The cold of December would forever be in my soulless heart and somehow I didn’t want to change it. I enjoyed the cold numbness, which has surrounded me for so long.

It was just easier.

Because I am without you. And you were my everything. The single strand of life that I desperately clinged onto in the search for meaning.

But you are no more and so am I.

Saying I wish you were here doesn’t cover the deep intense need for your presence that over takes my being and makes me crash into the darkness. Making me gasp for air as I occasionally get my head up over the waves of darkness.

I keep walking, keeping to the steady rhythm of never ending thumps and cracking my boots are causing. Finding an odd piece in the destroying of the ice crystals.

I keep wanting to reach out, to feel you beneath my fingertips. Let me trace your beautiful features. To feel the raw beauty once more.

I see a light, so beautiful it reminds me of him. Making the numbness even more transparent, grey, nothingness.

It’s urging me to run, but my feet are frozen, embedded into the ground as the ice climbs me as ivy, tangling itself into my skin, my bones, my being. A silent scream penetrates the air as I bellow toward the sky. My neck snapping, falling backwards, my eyes fixed on the night sky. The stars never seemed duller.

A dull pain sneaks up my spine, making the numbness fret for a millisecond, before overpowering it and letting my being freeze in this position.

The need to run for the light had been replaced with a sudden need to just… disappear.

The thought had never entered my mind before. Just disappearing... Just be gone from the world, leaving no trace of your existence behind. To just be erased. It had never occurred to me that, that could be something I would feel like needing.

I had thought about joining him, just falling in the nothingness, the pit of darkness that was the unknown of death. But never this deep sincere feeling of just going poof and just not be anymore.

My eyes fixed at the night sky, as the stars seemed to burn their ancient fire into my soul, snowflakes falling into my eyes, melted to only fall down my cheeks like the tears that should have been falling.

I fell back into memory lane and found myself screaming internally.

“Amelia… my love” the happiness was clear in his voice and a surge of pure joy burst through me and out into the world through laughter, as he swung me around, his arms tight around me, holding me closer than what should have been possible. Our lips met in a passionate kiss that held promises of an eternity together. The snow fell around us, in our hair, creating the perfect scene. So perfect you should think it would only happen in the films. Movie perfect. He cupped my cheeks and looked me deep in the eyes, his grey ones burning of love.

“Will you be mine forever?” he asked as if that was an actual question to ask, as if it wasn’t a given that I was already his.

“I already am, silly” I laughed and pressed my lips to his in a sweet kiss. But he removed himself from me and stepped back. The confusion hitting me harder than the coldness of the air.

However, a playful smile lingered on his perfect face; he looked almost shy looking down, as he slid down onto one knee. He reached into his pocket and everything fell into place, as he asked me to be his wife. His forever.

I almost screamed yes, as I threw myself into his arms. How could I say no to spend my life with the one person that meant more than life to me. Tears of happiness slipped from my eyes, as he untangled himself from me and placed the diamond ring onto my finger.

“So this was my Christmas present,” I laughed in between kisses. He laughed and nodded, but even then it was too long between kisses and I found myself missing him. I needed him every second of every day, and that becoming a reality became official.

He was my forever. My everything.

I thought this Christmas was the beginning of my perfect forever. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I was ripped back into the cold reality, but the blaring horns of cars, telling me that even though my life had ceased to exist, theirs continued. So I moved, started walking again.

Endless walking into the nothingness that laid before my blind eyes.

But the light lid up again, into the darkness, the warmth drawing me closer. The need to feel drawing me in. It had been so long.

The enticing flames danced before my eyes as I found myself move closer. The fire is licking its burning tongue against my arms, I should move but somehow I could not do it.

It is burning away the numbness that had succumbed my being for what felt like an eternity, plunging it towards the end, the bottom of the black ocean always threatening to swallow us up.

My breath is turning to fog in the cold air surrounding me. So hard are the contrasts. Burning my front, my back turning to ice.

I sat there in my own world of finally feeling. It has been too long, too long to count.  I didn’t care that all I was feeling was pain. The stabbing feeling that continuously burned my being from the inside and I welcomed it. I had missed it.

Be happy for every day you get and live it to the fullest.

The words brought the darkness back, I gasped for air as the scene played out in the flames before my eyes. I reached out as his face appeared in the flames, wanting to touch him so bad, feel him once more.

I am without you; and you were my everything. 

 “What do you mean by enjoying life to the fullest? I thought that’s what you were doing already” I looked at him with utter confusion as he just laughed at my expression.

“I mean I want to be someone who is consistently enjoying themselves, for themselves. Who sees the detail in nature and smiles, wants the best for the people they love and also those they don't. Someone who has endless energy and wants to spend it on adventure not unproductivity. Has an undying passion for the things they like doing, and will sacrifice anything for that thing. Someone who would rather live on the street trying to do the thing they enjoy, than spend their life in an office. I want to enjoy every second of the time that I have left on this wonderful planet” his every word was spoken with such intensity, such life and passion.

He made me long for such passion as I brought the cup of tea to lips, with my eyes forever fixed on him. I found myself being intrigued by his every word, only falling deeper, harder.

“So does this concern women as well?” I could not help but ask, but it took great strength to keep the anxiety out of my voice and keep it steady.

If it did concern his views on women as well, it would indeed explain his endless stream of one-night stands and his constant flirting with everything that had a beating pulse.  He laughed and his beautiful grey eyes shined.

“Nah, you see Amelia, I’m looking for my forever. I believe she’s out there”

That was the final nail in my coffin as I smiled and looked deep into his eyes. There was no denying it now, he had me completely smitten. Hopelessly in love.

That night had been when I realized I was in love with him; it was completely unreasonable, mad and stupid. Nevertheless, with him I could not find myself caring about anything else.

It had been a year since I had last let myself feel. The flames burned harder than ever, taking every last piece of me with it, sending it up high in the sky.

“You were my forever, so how could you disappear like that, Noah” the hoarse whisper that escaped my lips, was not my voice. It was lifeless, dull… transparent.

It lacked the life he had loved about it, the passion he had created in me.

It had been a year since he had proposed, only to die of a heart attack three weeks later on Christmas Eve. How could everything he believed in, everything he lived for just be taken away like that? How was that fair?

We had just found each other… how could it be fair to just rip someone away from the person they’re supposed to spend their forever with.

The dark coldness settled around me again, as I closed my eyes, only seeing the grey wonders full of passion and life. I let my back fall against the cold brick wall, as I exhaled deeply, creating a fog around me. I wished to feel the cold, but I had been cold for so long, I don’t think I would have recognized it as anything else than normality.

Memories taking over me as one last breath escaped me, sending a single word fluttering to the skies. A word full of promises of a forever together, of an eternal love.


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