30 WEEKS PREGNANT
It times like this when I was really missing Jai. The fact that I was thirty weeks pregnant and he hadn’t seen me since I found out was heartbreaking. Of course he was probably starting to make a family of his own.
Ryder was a busy baby. She was always kicking me and moving around. I absolutely loved being pregnant. Of course we had spent most of my pregnancy moving around but it’s too late for me to get on a plane now. It’s too high of a risk. Daniel was doing his best to paint the nursery by himself sense the smell of the paint made me sick and no one would help him. Everyone else was too busy with their lives to bother with each other anymore.
It’s sad if you think about it really. That they were these super close five guys who loved each other more than anything and once they all got married and began having kids, they don’t speak much. My own brother’s ever rarely call and if they do, it’s because they need a break from their kids. I should have known that I would be the one who would have to take care of them. Last week was Daniels birthday and they had all planned a party without me knowing and I was stuck at home, 29 weeks pregnant, with five kids while everyone else got to go out and drink and have fun. I bet you can guess who slept on the couch that night. To say I wasn’t happy with how everyone was acting was an understatement.
I haven’t really talked to any of them since that. I don’t think I will for a long time. I’m sure they didn’t really want me around much and since Daniel was trying to reach out to them, I would stay out of the way.
“I’m going to head over to Beau’s.” Daniel said once he got out of the shower and he grabbed his keys and headed out the front door. I sighed. I was alone again. Daniel hadn’t touched me in weeks and I was getting nervous about it. Whether he was thinking that he would hurt me or he just found me gross now. I found myself gross so I could see why he did. I guess I should probably clean. Me and Daniel had decided not to have a baby shower. We didn’t have many people left who would want to celebrate with us anyway.
Daniel’s family were coming in two weeks for Thanksgiving and then they would be staying until I gave birth which is around January 11th. I’m so excited just thinking about it made me smile and I rubbed my hands over my bump.
“I’m very excited to meet you little girl.” Every time we had a doctors appointment I always asked if it was still a girl and the lady would always laugh at me and smile before nodding her head. Daniel has been busy the last couple of times I’ve gone so I’ve been on my own with it for the most part. He just painted the nursery. I did everything else.
Sometimes I wonder if he really wanted a baby because so far it doesn’t seem like it.
To be honest with you, I didn’t want a baby at all. I didn’t want to deal with waking up in the middle of the night, I didn’t want to deal with changing diapers and throw up and formula. I found it all really gross. I hadn’t touched Violet in a week and there was a reason for that. I didn’t want to get attached to that kid inside her. I was going to make her do it on her own. I wanted a divorce. After being married for nearly two years, I wasn’t happy at all. And when people said the first year was the hardest, they meant it but it never got any better in the second year. I figured I should leave now so that kid didn’t know who I was so there was no attachment. I told Violet I was going to meet with Beau but I was really going to meet with a lawyer.
“You’re sure about this?” She asked me and I nodded my head before I signed the little slip and she put it in an envelope to send to Violet through the mail. She should be getting them in a few days.
*FEW DAYS LATER*
I walked in the house after meeting with Beau to tell him what was going on. I found Violet at the island in the kitchen and she had tears streaming down her face and she had the papers in her hands. She probably couldn’t read it since she was crying and she was shaking.
“How long were you planning this for?” She asked me and I couldn’t even look at her anymore.
“A few months.” I said and glanced up and she nodded her head.
“I’m just… okay.” She said before she got off the chair and she headed up the stairs. When she came back down, she had tons of bags. I’m sure they were filled with Clothes and baby stuff. She went to put them in her car before she came back and grabbed a few baby things. I watched her walk out of the house and I wasn’t really sure when I would see her again.
I wasn’t sure where I was going, but I was going and there was only one person who I wanted to be with in that moment and she wasn’t even born yet. I was ten weeks away from my due date and he decided to throw this on me now.
“We’ll be okay.” I said rubbing my belly as tears streamed down my face. I could barely see so I pulled over to catch my breathe and to wipe my eyes. I needed to find a place to live. I’m sure I had plenty of money to buy a little apartment. I had been saving my money for years and I had plenty to survive. My brother’s also had bank accounts for me with tons of money that no one could touch besides me.
I sat back against the seat and looked out the window. I couldn’t believe that I gave that man anything I could possibly give to him. I gave him everything! I allowed him to create another life with me! I felt so gross. I felt used. But just because Daniel didn’t want to be in her life didn’t mean that I wasn’t going to give her the best life any kid could possibly have.
That is the last time I allow a man to ever make me happy.
*FEW WEEKS LATER*
I don’t know how he did it but he somehow got the closest court date as possible and when I walked in there with my head down and my huge baby bump, people were shocked as to why we were getting a divorce. Of course all of my brother’s were there but I couldn’t even will myself to look at them. I had no feelings left for any of them. I didn’t even listen to what the judge said I just agreed with her.
“Daniel, would you like any part of your daughter’s life?” The judge asked him and I should not have looked over at him and he had the most disgusted look on his face as he loud and clearly said ‘no.’ As a mother, nothing could have broken my heart more. “Then custody of the unborn child will go Violet.” She answered and I nodded my head as I looked at her. “Violet, will you be changing your name today?” She asked and I nodded my head as she held out a piece of paper and someone grabbed it for me and I signed it and was able to change my name. “Court dismissed.” She answered and I stood from the chair with a little help from my lawyer before I headed back out to my car.
I had found a cute apartment that fit me and this baby perfectly. I had picked up the rest of our stuff from Daniels a few days ago and his house was mostly empty now. Daniel was never the person to stick to one person and I should have known that. We broke up like eight times before we got married because he wanted to sleep with other people. The love of my life had left me and I was here to raise our daughter alone.
*ONE WEEK LATER*
For Thanksgiving I had decided to go down to a little cafe at the end of my street. The lady smiled at me and wished me a happy Thanksgiving when I walked in the door and I returned it and went to find a seat.
“Can I start you off with a drink?” She asked.
“I’ll have a water.” I answered. I wasn’t really hungry I just wanted to get out of the house.
“Will you be having any food?” She asked.
“No thanks. I’m not very hungry.” I said and she nodded before she went back into the kitchen and handed me my drink before she sat down across from me.
“Where’s your family?” She asked and I shrugged.
“Do you not have any?” She asked.
“No I do. I just recently got divorced and all of my brother’s were on his side so I haven’t been speaking with any of them.” I answered.
“What about your parents?” She asked.
“My mother is dead and my dad has never been in my life.” I answered. To think that I was telling this random women about my life. But I think the only reason I was telling her was because she actually cared.
“I’m sorry.” She answered.
“Not your fault.” I said shaking my head. It was my fault. Everything that had happened in this life was my fault. I should have killed myself when I had the chance. Back when I was seventeen and Daniel broke up with me and my brother put me in a hospital. I should have done it. But now, now I had someone else to live for and she was the reason that I would continue my life when all I wanted to do was end it.
I was just about to walk down the stairs of the house when I looked up and saw the nursery door that I had painted pink because that was what Violet wanted. It had the name Ryder scribbled across the top of it in black letters. I walked over to it and slightly opened the door. The smell of paint was still fresh. It was empty. Everything that had been in here was gone. The only thing left was a picture of me and Violet on our wedding day and it was smashed and the pieces were everywhere.
I sat down against the wall that was on the same side of the door. I would probably never see Violet or my child. I don’t think any of us would. The boys and my family were about to be here for Thanksgiving and my family didn’t know that me and Violet had split. I guess they were about to find out. I’m sure they would be asking about the baby and the nursery. I should probably tell them. The doorbell rang and I quickly stood up and walked out of the room closing the door behind me.
“Hi.” I said hugging my family as they walked through the front door.
“Wow, it smells amazing. Is Violet cooking?” My mother asked as we began walking into the kitchen.
“No. She’s not.” I answered.
“Oh! Can we see the nursery!” She said before we turned around and I led them up the steps to the room. “Daniel, what is going on here?” My mother asked as she walked into the nursery with nothing in it besides the picture and a few holes in the wall that looked like a bat was taken to the wall. I’m sure that was Violet’s doing. “Where is everything that was bought for the baby?” She asked.
“Violet took it all.” I answered.
“What?” She asked.
“We got divorced.” I said and her eyes seemed like they were going to fall out of her head. “You probably won’t be part of the babies life so… Don’t expect her to be nice to you and let you see the baby whenever you want.” I answered.
“You aren’t together anymore?” She asked.
“No. And I don’t have custody of the baby either.” I answered and I could tell she was trying to piece everything together.
“What happened?” She asked and I shrugged.
“She wanted to have that kid and I didn’t.”
“You should have broke it off with her for good before you ever got married.” She barked at me. I know what I should have done but of course I didn’t do it that way. Sometimes people just fall out of love and that’s okay. It’s okay to be sad and it’s okay not be okay. It’s okay to want something and it’s okay to not want something. It is also okay to hurt someone else for something you want even if they don’t want that. If they truly cared, they would give you what you want and I may not want to be with Violet but I do love her. And I couldn’t be anymore thankful that she let me go when I wanted to go.
I think that’s true love. Not making the other person stay when they don’t want to. Letting them go no matter how hard it is. No matter who else it involves. Sometimes people fall out of love and that is okay. What is not okay is holding on for something that you know isn’t there. Let go. It’s time to move on.