Letters to Ryder
Ryder is three weeks old
"Okay so, Ryan." Jared said to me when I woke up. It was the first week of May and Mother's Day was coming up fast and Jared said that he something special planned for me.
"What's up?" I asked. Ryder would be awake any minute crying to get herself attached to my boob.
"So you know how I told you that I had something special planned for Mother's Day?" He asked and I nodded my head.
"Yes I know."
"Well, we are leaving for the airport in an hour and we are going to go to New York." He said and I looked at him.
"What? Are you serious?!" I asked getting excited and he nodded his head. I was still angry at him about three weeks ago but I would totally forgive him for it when we get to New York! "is Ryder coming with us?" I asked and he nodded his head.
"I would never leave her behind." I nodded my head. "I also have everything packed so don't worry about packing." I walked over to Ryder's room where she was cooing to herself. She usually slept very well and only woke a few times during the night. I was taking three months off of work before heading back. Liam and heather would be watching her a few days a week and the other days ether me or jared would her to work with us. we had both asked our bosses if we could and they were totally chill with it.
"Hi my babygirl. We are heading to New York. Did daddy tell you about this?" I asked and she just looked at me and whined a little. I picked her up before quickly whipping my boob out to feed her. "I know girlie. I know you're very pretty." I said to her whole rocking in her rocking chair and jared came into the room and grabbed the diaper bag from beside her bed. he smiled at me and kissed me before he left the room again. He showered while I fed her and burped her a little before he came and took her from me so I could shower. By the time I was done out and dressed we had to leave.
"I'm so excited." I said gripping onto his arm once we were in the car.
"You're welcome." He said smiling at me and I leaned over to kiss him. "I'm not bringing a carriage but I did bring the chestcarry thing." He said and I nodded. You couldn't really push a carriage around in New York.
FEW HOURS LATER
We finally landed in New York and jared was rushing around to get our luggage. He had me put the chest thing on now so we could walk to our hotel that was a few blocks away.
"Once we get to the hotel I need to feed her." I said and he nodded his head and he had all of our bags and I had a rolling suitcase with one hand on Ryder.
"It's not too far away but make sure that you don't let go of anything." He said. I knew that people would try and take stuff and people would be handing us a bunch of stuff but never take it. He began walking very fast as soon as we got out of the airport and he was nearly sprinting and my little legs and daughter attached to me couldn't keep up with him. I began having a panic attack and I grabbed his arm and he looked at me
"Hey hey. Relax. You're okay." He said rubbing my back. He dragged me over to the side and headed inside our hotel. "Are you okay?" He asked as he dropped the bags and I shrugged. "Do you have any water?" He asked the front desk and they nodded before handing him a water bottle and I took it from him and quickly drank it. I needed to get up to the room so I could splash some water on my face. I went to sit down and he checked us in before calling me over. "I switched the room to a room closer to the bottom floor. It will cost a little more but I don't want her too high up or you up high with your anxiety." I nodded my head as we grabbed our bags. Our room was on the fifth floor and we had a street view where all the pretty lights were. I fed Ryder before we headed back out. Jared's hand never left mine. "Wanna go to the Hard Rock Cafe?" He asked.
"Yeah sure. The wait is probably going to be a long time you know."
"Yeah. I know." He commented and we walked that way and checked out everything that there was to check out.
"Jar, its right here." I said holding onto his arm and pulling him that way.
"Can she breathe? Is she okay?" He asked and I nodded. He was always so worried about her. Since the minute she was born he would ask me if she was okay all the time.
"She's a little hot but she's okay.I'll take her out when we get in there." I commented and he nodded his head as we walked down the stairs. "Over here." I said to him pointing at where we were suppose to check in.
"Hi, table for two." Jared said and she looked at him before looking at my chest where the baby was laying, asleep. "She's only three weeks old and can't even hold her up. She will not sitting at the table." He answered and the lady nodded her head.
"It will be a few minutes." She said. "If you give us your number we can text you when your table is ready." She said and Jared gave her his number and she nodded her head marking it down. We didn't have to wait that long before our table was ready.
"Let's go." Jared said to me as he slowly helped me stand up since I was still a little sore and I didn't want to wake Ryder up. She would most likely sleep through all the noise.
"Can you help me get her out of here?" I asked and he quickly came over to me and unclipped the carrier slowly while I held her head. "I need a freaking beer!" I shouted and Jared laughed.
"I went with Sean after the concert and we got these awesome beers that went great along with a burger." He said looking down at the menu and flipping while holding Ryder with one arm.
"Hi! I'm Grace, I'll be your server today. Can I start you off with some drinks?" She asked.
"I came here once with a buddy of mine and we got these beers that went along great with a burger. Can we have two of those along with the burger?" She nodded her head knowing exactly what he was talking about.
"Oh shoot! I can't drink!" I said looking at Jared. That totally ruined my mood! "I'll just have a water." I said. I wasn't allowed to drink because it would be in my milk and it's not good for babies to be drinking.
"Are you sure?" She asked.
"Yeah. I breast feed so I can't drink." I said pouting.
"Well good for you. And she's beautiful." She said and I smiled at her.
"Thank you. I tried my hardest." I laughed and she laughed along with me.
"I'll be right back with your drinks."
"She has the same middle name as Ryder." I said to Jared who was looking down at her and playing with her fingers.
"I know. Pretty cool right?" He asked singing along to the Joan Jett song that was playing. I snapped a few pictures of him as she sucked away on her fingers that she could barely fit in her mouth.
I loved being a mother. I really did. It wasn't exactly like I expected it to be but I loved the midnight feedings and I loved being pregnant. I miss it a little but I love having my little girl here. She means the world and more to me and I was going to try and give that little girl everything she would possibly need.
"What are you thinking about?" Jared asked and I shrugged.
"Nothing really. Just loving being a mother." I answered. Jared was having a harder time at it than I was. I have a younger cousin so I grew up changing diapers and being able to make bottles and giving baths. I was able to do that because that was what the baby needed. Jared hated feeding and he hated changing the diapers. What was he going to do if I wasn't around? He didn't say anything to me. He said he had talked to some of his buddies about it but I wasn't sure what was said.
*JARED P.O.V FLASHBACK TO TWO WEEKS AGO*
"What's going on with you? Why aren't you with the baby?"
"I don't really do much with her. She just sleeps on me. Ryan does everything else." I answered shrugging. I was afraid that I was going to crush her and I hated feeding and changing her.
"What?" They asked confused. "Who gets up with her in the middle of the night when she's crying?" They asked.
"Ryan does." I answered as I took a sip of a beer.
"You don't help her?" They asked.
"Well, I try to but I can't. I find it weird." I commented.
"How is it weird? That's your daughter."
"Yeah but Ryan can do it."
"Not alone she can't. She went through 7 months of pregnancy because she thought you were going to be there to help her with this child."
"Yeah, but I can't really do much."
"What are you talking about? That little girl needs you! She can't wipe her butt alone. She can't talk and let you know what's bothering her or if she's hungry. You have to be there for her. You have to let her know that she's okay and you're going to protect her."
"What if I can't?" I asked.
"You have to whether you can or you can't."
It hadn't gotten much better. The second she would cry, I would hand her to Ryan. Ryan was being good about it but I could tell she wasn't excited about it. She went back on her birth control a week after she was born and I think Ryan won't want another one with me. I felt bad I really did because I made a kid with her and didn't even know how to take care of it.
"Are you okay?" I asked her once we were back at the hotel and she laid Ryder down on the bed.
"Yeah." She answered.
"I'm going to take a shower."
"Okay." She answered. I couldn't help but think that this relationship wasn't going to last much longer.
I wasn't sure what to do. I was trying my best to make this easier for Jared but I was exhausted. I can't do this on my own. What happens when I go back to work and can't bring Ryder with me and I have to leave her with someone? Is he going to be able to do it? I feel like I'm a single mother and he's just sorta there as a sperm donor watching from the sidelines.
"Hi youtube!" I said into the camera as I held it. "We are in New York! It was a surprise trip! I wanted to update on some things while Jared is in the shower." I smiled. "Ryder is now three weeks old. She still doesn't do much but she can suck on her fingers for the most part. I'm also going to answer some questions." I said sitting down on the bed and placing the camera on a shelf that was a little higher up. "What's it like being a mom?" I read off the slip of paper. "Being a mom is a great feeling. I already learnt that you have to be there for our kids. They need you. They can't take care of themselves and I get that. I love waking up in the middle of the night for a feeding. It is so wonderful. I love it." I giggled as I pulled another piece of paper out of the bag. "How is Jared handling being a father?" I sighed. "He's not doing that great. He doesn't change diapers. He doesn't feed her, he doesn't even feed her when I pump so I only pump when I know we are going to be going out the next day or the morning before. Whenever she cries he just hands her to me and he goes about what he was doing." I got a little sad because I really didn't want to be with him if he was going to act like this. He made her with me and he left me here to take care of her.
'What's it like to be breast feeding?'
"I love breast feeding. It's a great bonding experience and it's so much healthier than formula. It sometime's takes a while for her to latch on but she does it and when she does we are all happy."
'What do your friends think of you having a baby?'
"We haven't really seen our friends much because I'm still really sore and we have been taking care of her but they do some to visit every so often and it's always nice to have them around."
'What do your parents think of you have a kid?'
"My dad hates the fact that I have a child and he has only met her once and I'm sure him nor my brother's will be seeing her again. They don't really want any part of it. Jared's mother and step father are in love with her and will do anything for us. Last week we needed a break to nap and such and they came over to watch her for us and they have been great throughout the entire process and I cannot thank them enough for everything that they have done and continue to do."
'Would you ever leave Jared if he wasn't a good father?' I sighed.
"I'm not sure how to answer this. But yes I would. He hasn't been doing great at all and it's already been three weeks. She barely knows him and that's sad and I just wish she could have more." I said getting choked up before I heard the shower shut off. "Jared is about to get out of the shower so I have to go but I love you! I'll see you soon!" I said before clicking off the camera. I think I'll be doing this on my own for a while.