LETTER’S TO RYDER
RYDER IS THREE DAYS OLD
It was four o’clock in the morning, I hadn’t gotten any sleep in the last 24 hours and Ryder was screaming her head off and has been for the past two hours. We were staying with Heather and Liam and they were fast asleep. I’m not sure how they haven’t heard her cries.
“Make her stop!” Jared shouted and her cries only got louder.
“I can’t!” I shouted back at him. He groaned before rolling out of the bed and heading down the stairs and I followed him as I watched as he grabbed his jacket. “Where are you going?” I asked.
“Call me when that thing shuts up.” I felt like my heart just broke into a million pieces. He called our child a thing. I wasn’t going to fight with him although I already did. I was too tired. I watched as he walked out the door and he never turned around.
*ONE HOUR LATER*
It finally got to the point where I just laid her naked on our bed and she fell asleep. Thank god I was about to shoot myself. I laid down next to her and did the best I could to fall asleep and it didn’t take me very long.
Jesus christ that kid was annoying. I didn’t realize we would be doing that all the time with her. I knew she would be up all the time but not all at once and screaming her head off.
“You look like you had a rough night.” A woman said to me as I sat at the bar at some coffee shop.
“Wanna talk about it?” She asked and I shook my head as I drank some coffee. “Sorry.”
“Not your fault.” I murmured.
“Well, I’m here to listen.” She said and I thanked her. “You need a drink.” She said.
“No I can’t.” I answered. I knew Ryan would kill me. She hasn’t been able to drink in nine months so she made me quit too. I was having a rough time and I’m sure she would kill me if I came home drunk around the baby. “I have a two day old baby at home and my girlfriend would kill me if I came home drunk.” I commented.
“Why are you here if you have a two day old baby at home?”
“She wouldn’t stop crying.” I answered.
“That’s what babies do.” She said and I nodded taking another sip of my coffee.
“She cried for two hours straight.” She nodded her head. I then called her a thing. Ryan must really hate me right now. I’m sure she was regretting having a baby now. I kinda was. We no longer had freedom. We couldn’t just get invited to go out and go and have fun, we had another person to worry about.
“Are you regretting it?” She asked and I didn’t want to, but I nodded. “You’re going to break your girlfriends heart you know.” She said.
“Yeah, I know.” I answered. I should have said something sooner. She was going to kill me. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Maybe you should go home to her.”
“I can’t do that. I called our baby a thing.” I wasn’t sure why I was so moody, I had stayed up plenty of times for more than 24 hours. I was being so short with Ryan and I know I hurt her and I can’t take back what I did. I can’t take back what I said and I knew she was going to kill me the second I came home. Maybe I should just go back to the apartment instead of going to my moms house. I could avoid her there for a least a few hours. We were planning on going back there today and hopefully nothing would go wrong with Ryder.
By the time I was even thinking about going home it was seven in the morning. I hadn’t even tried to call Ryan and she hasn’t tried to call me. This isn’t the first fight that we have gotten into but this was the first fight about the baby. We were always on the same page when it came to the baby, I had no idea what was going on with us. Well with me. It wasn’t her fault that the baby was crying. Babies do that. Babies need you for a long long time and I knew I wasn’t making it very easy on Ryan and I was sorry for that but I wasn’t going admit that I was wrong.
My phone began ringing a few minutes later and I nearly dropped it hoping that it was her. Mom.
“Hello?” I called into the phone. My mother sighed.
“Where are you?” She asked.
“I’m at some coffee shop, why?” I asked. I didn’t want to go home. I wasn’t going to go home.
“Ryan needs your help.” She said. I rolled my eyes.
“Well I don’t want to help her.” I answered and I could tell she wanted to stab me right now.
“Jared! You decided to have a baby! You’re the one who made it now get your ass home!” She said trying to raise her voice but obviously Ryan was around somewhere and she didn’t want to upset anyone.
“I didn’t want that kid. Ryan just got pregnant with her and I accepted it.” I answered before slapping money down on the counter and leaving.
“Jared Michael for god sake!” She shouted.
“We never meant to get pregnant, Mom. It just happened.”
“So this is it? You’re going to make Ryan take care of her alone?” She asked and I threw my open hand up in the air.
“That’s a plan!” I shouted and she sighed before hanging up. I fucked up.
I slept for a few hours and so did Ryder. I was so glad that she was sleeping. I guess she liked being naked. One thing that she got from me. I smiled and kissed her before walking down the stairs where Heather was pacing back and forth.
“Hey.” I said to her and she smiled at me. “What’s going on?” I asked.
“Jared.” She said. I hadn’t even thought of him.
“Have you heard from him?” I asked and she nodded her head.
“I don’t think he will be home tonight.” I nodded my head. I sat down on the couch. I knew exactly why he wasn’t coming home. It was that sleeping child on our bed. He thought he could handle it and he couldn’t.
“This is all my fault.” I commented mostly to myself but I knew that Heather could hear me.
“It is not your fault. He’s just overwhelmed.”
“We should have waited.” I whispered tears filling my eyes. I was still super emotional and I’m sure some people hated it.
“She was meant to be here for a reason.” She said to me and I shook my hand as I placed my face in my hands hitting my head on the baby monitor.
“He doesn’t want us anymore.” I said shaking my head as she rubbed my back. “I knew it was a bad idea to have this baby. We never fight like this.” I said. We’ve had a few fight before but it never involved other people who would be hurt if we split. Now it does and it would be horrible if we split.
“What’s going to happen now?” She asked and I shrugged.
“I guess I’m on my own.” Me and Jared were planning on getting married and then buying a house. I put away so much money to save for that stupid house and now he doesn’t even want me or her anymore?! I was going to rip him a new one!
“What are you going to do?” She asked.
“I have enough for an apartment.” I answered. “My only issue is that all of the baby stuff is at our apartment right now.” I answered.
“Maybe you should just talk to him before you decide to move out.” She said and I nodded my head.
“I would if he just came home.” Ryder’s cry filled the baby monitor and I dragged myself up the stairs to find her wide awake and hungry I’m sure. “Are you hungry my babygirl? Not that you can answer.” I mumbled the last part. It would be nice if Jared was here and downstairs making the bottle.
“Do you need some help?” Liam asked when I walked into the kitchen.
“No. I think I’m good.” I knew I need to run out and get some diapers and formula because I would soon run out. I handed Ryder to Liam and he played with her and she calmed down while I made the bottle and I handed the bottle to him. I went to talk to Heather. “Okay, so I’m going to take Ryder to get some diapers and formula.”
“Are you sure? I can watch her.”
“Yeah I’m sure. Maybe I’ll run into Jared.” I said as I went upstairs to change. I decided on a flowy dress so I had nothing pushing against my vagina or my belly.
“She spit up a little.” Liam said when I walked into the kitchen. There was throw-up on her and the floor. I sighed before I got a towel and cleaned it off the floor before going upstairs to change her.
“Okay, we are going to go shopping. I want you to be good for Mamma, you got that?” I said giving her belly kisses before picking her up and placing her in her seat. Her head just barely fit into it. Liam just recently bought me and Jared brand new Lamborghini’s. I wasn’t sure why he got us all new cars every so often but whatever floats his boat.
I got Ryder into the car safely before getting into the driver’s seat and back out of the driveway. Maybe I’ll stop for a coffee. I went to Target that was on the other side of town but it was so nice and it had a starbucks inside. I quickly parked before getting out of the car and pulling Ryder with me.
“Nice car.” Some guy said to me as I get out.
“Thanks.” I smiled at him before locking it and heading inside. Diaper. Formula. Do not get side tracked from the cute little clothes over there. Okay I can just look. Easter was next week and she did need a dress. I went over and found the diapers and formula that I wanted before going over to the Easter dresses. I picked up a few pink ones but she had so many pink stuff that I decided on the blue one with the white flowers on it. I wasn’t sure what we were going to do for Easter since Jared wasn’t talking to me or anyone.
I quickly took the dress in her size off the rack and went to pay. I handed over the money to the cashier before placing Ryder in the car along with the bags before heading home. When I pulled in, Jared’s car was in the driveway and when I closed the car door with Ryder in one hand and my bags in the other, he came and looked out the window. He looked more than pissed off.
“Hi.” I said when I came into the house and he wrapped me in a hug.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” He whispered to me and I placed Ryder’s seat on the floor to wrap my arms around him.
“No it’s not. I’m not in control of myself anymore.”
“I wasn’t mad that you left and you were overwhelmed. I was upset that you called our daughter a thing.” I said and he nodded his head.
“I know. I’m sorry.” He said. I wasn’t sure what to say so I dropped the subject.
“I bought her an Easter dress.” I said going over to the bags and pulling it out to show him. “And we have white tights at home for under it.” We would be going to Heather’s moms house for Easter and since Jared was now speaking with us, we would all be going as a family. They haven’t seen the baby yet so I was very excited. I got a text from Selena asking if she could come and see the baby so she was on her way over here. I’m sure some girls would be coming over from cheer too.
“Some girls from the gym are going to come and see her.” He said to me and I nodded my head. Rob watched me give birth so he was closer to me than anyone else ever was.
“You know that one of our kids saw me push a human out of me right?” I asked and he laughed as he folded some clothes on the couch.
“Yes I do but he wants to work with babies after college so it’s good that he saw it.” He answered me and I nodded my head. Ryder was asleep on the couch next to him. Rob came into the room and One of his friends was with him.
“Is it okay that Michaeleddie is here?”
“It’s not our house. We don’t mind.” I answered. Michael picked up Ryder and laid her on his chest and she squirmed a little before she fell back asleep. Once the girls came over we had to pry her hands off Michael’s shirt so someone else could hold her. I had a feeling that someone was going to like Michaeleddie very much.
“She’s so beautiful.” Madi commented and I agreed with her. I loved being a mom. Of course I didn’t like being up with a screaming baby but being uncomfortable for months and pushing her out of me was totally worth it.