LETTER’S TO RYDER
If there was anything I could tell you about your mother, I would tell you about her eyes but she’s heard everything I could ever say about them and I can never quit capture their depth in my explanation anyway. I would tell you about her lips but I’m afraid I’ve forgotten what they look like because mine can’t stay away from them for too long. What I will tell you is I am absolutely infatuated with the way she exists so beautifully with me. I’ve never believes in soul mates but it’s as if I wasn’t really living before I met her. I always had my tongue between my teeth preferring spilt blood to spilled confessions. She does not let me hold back. She does not let me shy away from how I feel about her. She hides her smile behind her hands the same way the moon hides behind the clouds when I yell that she is beautiful from three aisles away in the grocery store. She takes my hand when I hold it out to her in the gas station parking lot and twirls with me to the sound of the traffic. She giggles when I pull her into empty aisles and I kiss her like it’s the only thing I want to spend my time doing, because it is. Her hips are shaped like they are made to be watched and held by my hands, and I pull her into me every chance I get. She sways with me to the soft glow and dim of the refrigerator light and laughs when we realize we left the ice cream out too long while we danced and it melted again. I can’t sleep before she does because I need to feel her body go still inside of mine. She curls into me and I can feel every one of her muscles relaxing as I tuck her hair behind her head and kiss her eyelids.I fell in the love with the way time seems to exist everywhere but between us, as if the clocks hold their breath when we kiss. I keep getting lost in her smile and I hope I never find my way out.
Today everyone was coming over here for Christmas. Presents were stacked under the tree and you could barely move around the living room. I loved it! Liam had a ton of other family besides us and every single one of them were coming. One couple who just a baby a few weeks ago showed up first and a little early and Ryan stole the baby and I haven’t seen or heard from her in about an hour. Once someone else wants the baby she will give it up. I’m sure more babies will be showing up.
“Jared!” Kenny shouted when he walked in the house. I smile before giving him a hug. “How is everything man?” He said patting me on the back.
“It’s great. I’m engaged, Ryan’s pregnant.” I commented and he went to say something before he turned back to me and gave me a confused look.
“Ryan’s pregnant. She will be thirteen weeks tomorrow I think.” I said smiling and he smiled back at me.
“Congrats man.” He said before he left to go and find Ryan who of course, was holding a different baby. Baby fever was hitting all of us really hard. I couldn’t wait to hold my baby in my arms. It seemed like I would be waiting forever.
“So, is that little one going to be a gymnast?” Me and Ryan spent most of our free time tumbling around with the girls at the gym. Since she got pregnant, she hasn’t been able to tumble.
“I have a feeling he or she will.”
“What are you hoping for?”
“A girl. We both want a girl.” I answered smiling as I grabbed a beer from the fridge.
“Have you thought of any names?”
“Ryder. For either gender.” I answered. “I’m very excited.” Ryan came nearly running into the kitchen with a baby in her arms before she handed her over to me stated ‘the baby is pushing on my bladder’. I don’t think that was true but whatever she wanted to believe.I wasn’t sure who this baby belong to but she was beautiful. I smiled down at the baby before grabbing her little hand.
“When are you guys heading home?” Kenny’s mom asked me.
“In two days. We are heading back to Cali and then a day after that, we are going to Florida for a cheer competion.” I answered. The girls at our gym were working really hard and every single one of them were competing in the competition. We were hoping to have a clean sweep but it’s alright if we don’t. Ryan and I decided that we would spend more than just a few days down there. We were actually staying for two whole weeks and some of the girls were staying with us too. We were going to head to Disney for few days. Ryan was mad that she couldn’t go on any rides.
“Let’s do presents!” Someone shouted. All of the little kids shouted. I walked into the living room with the baby in my arms and Ryan came and hugged me. When she let go she left a arm around my waist and her face pressed to my arm.
“Isn’t she beautiful?” She asked me and I looked at her and watched her eyes that were on the baby.
“Yes she is. Very beautiful.” I smiled at her. I could hear camera’s clicking all around us and flashes going off. Wrapping paper was flying everywhere. That’s what I loved about Christmas, the smiling faces of everyone. Everyone in this house right now was smiling about something. They were all happy. Seeing other’s happy, made me happy. I looked over at Ryan who was staring at the baby and running her finger over her small cheek. “Want to hold her?” I asked her and she nodded her head before I placed the baby in her arms and she sat on the couch in front of me and I rest my hands on her shoulders. The person who was sitting next to her got up so naturally I took it. They didn’t say upseat so clearly it is now mine.
I wrapped my arm around Ryan. Presents and wrapping paper were flying everywhere. There were screams every so often. I didn’t even want gifts this year. The best gift ever was Ryan and our little person she was carrying for me.
Once the kids were settled and settled on a toy they wanted to play with Grandma announced that the adults were going to go.
“Let’s start with the youngest. Ryan and Jared?” She asked. I got up and went to find the presents that had me and Ryan’s names on them. I hated when everyone watched you open presents! What if you reacted wrong? What if they thought you would react differently? I just hate it. The first one was from Liam. We had all decided to do one present tonight. This one just happened to be to both of us and the baby.
“Oh jesus!” Ryan said and everyone laughed. We pulled out a little blue onesie that said ‘I have the best grandpa ever’. Ryan laughed as she held it up. From here on out we would probably only be getting things for the baby. “Thanks Liam.” There were also a few wine glasses and different types of Scotch. He was always making me try different kinds.
“You two are getting old!” Someone said to us and I think Ryan took it to heart. Ever since we found out she was pregnant, she has felt super old. She was only 22. I think she loved the fact that she was going to be a mother and that she could a raise a child of her own. But I also think she hated it because that meant it was time to act like an adult and I don’t think either one of us are anywhere near ready for that. She missed going out to bars every now and then with some friends and just drinking the night away. She can no longer do that. I made a promise to her that I wouldn’t do it, if she couldn’t do it. She of course let me drink a few beers when I really wanted to. She told me I didn’t have to stop but I did just for her.
Once everyone opened presents, Ryan went to help my mom and Liam’s mom with the turkey. It didn’t end well and Ryan began to feel sick and threw up.
“You okay?” I asked her once I laid her down in the bed in the room that we were staying in.
“I feel horrible.” She said as she rolled over.
“I know. It’s okay. It’s not your fault.” I said.
“I’m sorry.” She said. “Lay with me for a few minutes?” She asked and I laid down behind her and wrapped my arms around her resting my hands on her belly.
“It will all be worth it in the end.” I whispered to her. I knew she was exhausted. I could tell the second her breathing began to change that she fell asleep. I slowly crawled out of bed kissing her on the head and closing the door before heading down the stairs.
“How is she?” My mom asked.
“She feels horrible. She’s asleep.” I answered. Everyone else was sitting around the table. “Can I sit next to you?”I asked my mom and she nodded her head. I felt lost without Ryan being beside me. I felt like I was losing my mind. “I feel so lost right now. I’m missing two people.” Everyone around me awed or laughed.
“She’s right upstairs.” My mom said and she held my hand. Grandpa wanted us all to go around and say something we were thankful for but there were so many of us that I physically could not wait to eat. She was sitting next to me and she smacked my hand when I went to eat.
“I’m sorry. Ryan eats all day every day and I do too. I’ve never gone this long without eating.” I said.
“Then tell us what you’re thankful for.” She said and I put my fork down.
“My mom, Liam and Ryan for creating beautiful life with me and agreeing to marry me.” I said smiling. “Can I eat now?” I asked and everyone laughed. I dug into the food. I really wish Ryan could be here for this but I understood that she didn’t feel good. I didn’t realize that the pregnancy would cause so much stress and she was always sick.
Once everyone finished eating and the presents were all open, Ryan came stumbling down the stairs. She came into the kitchen and wrapped her arms around me and resting her head on my back.
“How you feeling?” I asked her and she just moaned back in response.
“I’m hungry.” She answered.
“Okay. What would you like?” I asked her.
“Soup.” She said. I went looking through the cabinets before coming across a box of it.
“Did you have a nice nap?” I asked her and she nodded her head. “Feeling any better?” I asked.
“Yeah. It’s just morning sickness. It will pass soon.” She said smiling and I smiled back at her before going to kiss her lips.
“Merry Christmas, Ry.”
“Merry Christmas Jare.” I wanted to spend every single christmas with her. I never wanted her to leave. I wanted her to be around me every single day every single minute. She was mine and I finally was able to do whatever I wanted with her. She agreed to marrying me. She is carrying my child. I don’t think there is a better person that I would want to spend the rest of my life with.
I wish I could tell you every little detail about your dad but you’re gonna find out someday anyway. I’ll just tell you my favorite parts of him. I love when I look at him and he’s already looking at me. I love when we lay in bed at night, and he rubs his hands all over my belly. I can’t wait to see him holding you in his arms. I’m so very proud of everything that he has done in his life.
I know we are meeting you a few years earlier than most, but I already love you so very much. I don’t mind ruining my body in order to hold yours. You are so much more important than anything else. I don’t care what people say, I love you. I love your father. I love everything about this life and even if I could go back and change something, I wouldn’t. It’s an amazing life, you just have to figure out why it is. I’m glad you were there to show me, I can’t wait to show you.