DEEP DARK AND DANGEROUS
It seemed as if school just kept dragging on. I was barely holding myself together. It was last period and I was itching to leave to go to the hospital. I wanted to spend as much time with her as I could before we took her off the machines. We decided that if she wasn’t awake within the next two weeks that we would take her off. She always told me that if something happened that she needed machines to survive to take her off and let her go. It would be easier if she passed away quietly and peaceful.
“Ryan. Are you alright?” Mr. Bilton asked me. I nodded my head before listening to what he was talking about which I soon realized I had no idea because I wasn’t listening. The bell rang and he called me to his desk. “Why are you itching to get out of here? What’s going on?” I sighed knowing that Jared was waiting for me.
“My mom is living off of machines right now. We are taking her off them next week. They don’t think she will survive. I need to spend these last few days with her before I can’t spend any time with her at all.” I answered him. He nodded his head in understanding.
“Don’t worry about tonight’s homework. Go be with your mom.” He said. I quickly walked out of the room and into Jared’s arms.
“Today was so long.” I felt like crying. I wasn’t sure what we were going to see when we got to the hospital. She may already be gone, you are never sure how long you have on earth and that’s a scary thing.
“I know. I felt like shooting myself in the face.” He said. “Can we stop for some food first? I didn’t eat lunch.” I nodded my head.
“Like Mcdonalds or something?” I asked and he nodded his head just as I had done. “Can I have a medium M and M mcflurry?” I asked.
“Of course.” He answered as he ordered what he wanted along with my ice cream and two fries. He knew I wanted those without even reading my mind. “So my mom wanted me to ask you and don’t take it weird okay?” He asked me. I put my spoon down and looked at him.
“What?” I asked.
“Did you get your period yet?” He asked me and I burst out laughing.
“Yeah. It ended a few days ago.” I said to him. “You wore a condom didn’t you?” I asked him panicked that he didn’t. I wasn’t on birth control yet.
“Yes. I wanted to ask you if you wanted to go on birth control.”
“Yeah. But I need my mom there to get it.” I said to him. I could get it but I’m pretty sure someone had to be there.
“My mom said she is willing to pay for it.” He said to me.
“So she’s going to take me to get birth control?” He didn’t answer me but asked his own question instead.
“Can you explain to me how it works.” I looked at him confused.
“You don’t know how getting pregnant works?” He laughed at me.
“No your period.” I blushed red. There were some questions out in the world that just shouldn’t be asked and this was one of them.
“Well you bleed every month.” I said. That was how the period worked.
“But when would you get pregnant?” He asked. I guess he actually really cared.
“Like fourteen days before and after your period. There is like four days out of the month when you can get pregnant. At least that what my mom told me.” Obviously it had to have been easier than that because so many teen girls were getting pregnant. Jared obviously didn’t want me to be one of them.
“And what if I got you pregnant?” He asked.
“I would kick you in the balls.” I said being serious.
“Are you serious? It’s just a baby.” He said.
“It’s just a baby? You do realize we will be paying for that child for at least eighteen years. We don’t have jobs.” I then realized that maybe he wanted a baby. “Do you want to have a baby?” I asked him.
“I wanted those twins.” I knew it was hitting him hard. It was hitting me hard too but I sure as hell didn’t want to be carrying a child and then give birth to one. That shit wasn’t fun.
“I’m not ready to have a baby.” I answered him. He didn’t answer me. “What’s going on with you?” I asked him. He had never talked with me about this type of thing and it was making me nervous.
“I don’t know. Having those babies not make it really affected me. Like I knew we would be doing everything with those babies while your mom was out drinking, no offense.”
“None taken.” I said. “Maybe when we are older and if we are still together.” I said. If we were eighteen and our relationship was growing strong then maybe I was willing to have a baby with him but until then I was not willing to have a baby. “Did you talk with your mom about this?” He nodded his head. “I don’t know what to say.” I said.
“I know you aren’t ready-”
“No, I was ready to have a baby when we had sex. There was a chance that the condom would break and we would become parents. I was ready then, I’m not ready to get a job and quit school and softball to have a child. I would love to have a little baby to play with but at two in the morning when we are both exhausted and need to go to school and the baby is sick and crying and won’t sleep. It’s harder than you think.” I don’t think he realized how hard it was to take care of a baby. That stuff came natural for girls but not so much for boys.
“Is that all you thought about when we had sex that first time?” He asked.
“To be honest? Yes, I did. I was scared I would get pregnant.” We had never talked about me being afraid of getting pregnant. I guess we both thought it would never happen but it does happen and it happens at the worst times possible.
“Why didn’t you say something to me?” He asked. I shrugged.
“I thought I should take care of it myself without freaking you out.” My stress level had been getting very high, due to the point that I had bad dreams and my softball coach instead of the three privates a week, I only had two and the other day he took me to a therapist. I hadn’t told Jared about it because I was afraid he would leave me knowing that I was losing my mind. “I have to tell you something.” I said to him. I got very nervous.
“What?” He asked. I took a deep breath before I told him.
“I’ve been going to a therapist with my softball coach.” He looked over at me.
“For how long?” He asked. I was surprised he was staying calm with me.
“About two months.”
“When it rains, it fucking pours.” He whispered mostly to himself. “Why didn’t you tell me?” He ask.
“Because I was afraid you would leave me.”
“I can tell you have anxiety. You don’t sleep as well as you used to. It’s like your brain keeps talking. You twitch.” He said. “You’ve kicked me a few times in your sleep.” He said.
“Well she hasn’t been helping. She wanted you to come with us tomorrow.” I said. He looked over at me.
“I’ll do it for you. Did you tell her we had sex?” I asked.
“Yes. She asked if we did. I couldn’t lie.” He laughed.
“Oh my gosh. Was Stephen in the room?”
“Oh hell no! I would have said no then.” We pulled up to the hospital. “My mom owes you a lot of gas money.” He laughed again.
“I think it’s fine. She probably has no idea what’s going on with us.”
“Well that’s a good thing. If she dies, we aren’t having sex for a month. I feel like she would be watching us.” His head snapped over at me.
“You’re going to make me wait a month?!” He yelled.
“Yes! And be quiet!” We walked into the hospital room where my mother was looking more lifeless than normal. The monitor showed her very slow heartbeat. I felt as if the world was falling apart. I knew she was most likely not going to make it. It was obvious. She put the bottle before her family and you know what? That’s not my fault.
“When are they taking her off?” He asked me as he ate his burger.
“Next Friday.” That was over a week from now. I was preparing myself before. “I never thought I would be in this place right now.”
“You shouldn’t have to be.” He said to me. We did some of our homework while we sat there. I did his English while he did my history. I wasn’t going to school tomorrow. I was staying home with his mom and we were going to go shopping. She said ‘I needed a break from this life.’ Whatever that meant.
“Why do you think she did this?” I asked him. I wish I could come up with a reason as to why she did that to herself.
“I think she was having a hard time being pregnant and not being able to drink. Her depression was getting worse. You could tell.” He answered me. He wasn’t wrong. I knew she was having a hard time and I knew I should have stayed home with her more often and not have put Jared before her but I didn’t want to lose him again.
“I should have been with her more often.” I whispered.
“This is not your fault.”
“I could have stopped her.” I knew I should have been there. Her only daughter was never home. I was basically living with Jared and we had sex almost every night, but I’m not complaining. “The good thing about this is staying with you and having sex every night.” He laughed and oh that laugh could cure world hunger. “There are seven billion smiles in the world and yours is my favorite.” He smiled.
“I’m glad. Can I have a bite of that?” I scooped out some ice cream for him and fed it to him.
“What are we suppose to do with our house if she dies?” I asked him. I was fifteen I had no idea how any of this worked.
“I’m not sure. I know my mom would let you live with us. We already talked about it.”
“How often do you talk about me?”
“I only talk about you.” I laughed. If it wasn’t for him in this moment I would have fallen apart. Sometimes love isn’t real at this age but if it is, keep it safe because you may never get this feeling again. If I could tell girls everywhere one thing about love it would be to give it a chance. You may never know what happens. You have to let your heart get broken because it’s going to happen but no one else will be there for you in a time of need more than a boyfriend. But this love isn’t like the movies, don’t expect it to be perfect because no relationship is ever perfect. If you act as if love is a movie, you might just get that.