DEEP DARK AND DANGEROUS
I knew I shouldn’t have been walking up the steps to her house but I did anyway. I slowly walked up the steps and rang the doorbell. I waited for her or someone else to come to the door. I was slowly backing up when Ryan answered the door.
“What do you want?” She barked at me. Her hair was a mess and the bags under her eyes were just as bad as they were at school yesterday.
“I just wanted to let you know that my grandfather died in his sleep last night. I thought you should know.” I said.
“Sorry for your loss.” She said as she went to go to close the door.
“Ryan wait!” I said. She rolled her eyes before she opened it more.
“What do you want?! I gave you my respect! Now leave!” She shouted.
“I wanted to say sorry!” I yelled back.
“Its too late for sorry!” This was the first time I have ever seen her cry. “You blew that chance a long time ago!” She wiped her eyes. I wasn’t sure what to do. “ I’m sorry you spent hours trying to shove pieces of me together in a frantic effort to create something cohesive. I guess no one told you, but I am a puzzle with missing pieces and frayed edges that will never form a beautiful picture. Its not use to try and figure me out because it will only exhaust you and I can already see the dark circles under your eyes. I know its hard to understand but I never needed you to fix me. I just needed you to stay while I fixed myself. But you did neither.” I let her rant about whatever she wanted. “ The first day we met you asked why I never trusted people. I told you because everyone leaves me in the end and you promised to be the change of that continuous though that ran in my head, Yet I still find myself in the same place, in the end, you weren’t different from all the things I’ve seen and heard.” She cried more. “I can’t fucking sleep! You ruined everything! I exposed my body to you, I’ve never done that with anyone else. You used me to get to her and I have no idea why!” She broke down.
“I said I was sorry what else am I suppose to do?!” I shouted. I was confused.
“Look at everything through my eyes!” I did. All I saw was darkness.
Breaking down in front of him was something I never wanted him to see. I didn’t want him to see me upset and him knowing he was the reason. I knew as soon as he left he would go and tell Michelle of my breakdown and the whole school would know and make fun of me. I did feel bad that his grandfather died because I was close with his family but I hadn’t talked to them in a month. Its sad that the only person who can make me feel whole again is the same person who tore my heart out of my chest and stomped on it.
*FEW NIGHTS LATER*
“Can I borrow a black dress?” I asked my friend Emily. She lived across the street from the funeral home where Jared’s grandfather’s wake was. She went to her closet as I was curling my hair and threw the dress she wore to semi at me. “Thanks.” I said as I stripped and put it on. It was a little loose because I lost of weight but it looked good. “I’ll be back later. I’ll bring the dress back.” I said as I threw my clothes on her bed and walked down the stairs and out the front door. I quickly walked across the street and took a deep breath before I walked up the steps of the funeral home and opened the door.
“Welcome.” A man at the door said to me as he held it open for me.
“Thank you.” I answered as I walked in the doorway. I walked passed a few rooms and looked at the pictures. There was a picture of me and Jared on there with his grandfather after he was moving around and home from the hospital. I was looking at Jared and you could see the love I had for that boy in my eyes, it was gone now. It was replaced by hurt. I walked further into the place and there were people everywhere. I walked over to the casket and kneeled down in front and prayed that he was in a better place and he was safe.
“Ryan.” I heard as I stood up and wiped the tears off my face. “It’s okay honey.” Jared’s mom hugged me.
“I’m so sorry.” I said hugging her. She didn’t say anything after that. We just held each other.
“Its okay.” She said as we let go and her mom came over to us.
“Thank you for coming, Ryan.” She said as she hugged me.
“I’m sorry.” I said. I wasn’t sure what else to do when Jared walked over. I looked down as he looked at me.
“Can we talk?” He asked me. I followed him out of the building and onto a porch on the side of the building. “I want to say sorry.”
“You already said that.” I said to him.
“I’m being serious.” He said as he threw his head back in frustration and ran his hands through his hair.
“So the bitch you tried to replace me with left? Is that why you’re being nice to me?” I asked. I was pissed off. I loved this boy like I had never loved anyone else in the world and he threw it all away to have sex with the school slut.
“No. I realized she was a bitch and my family loves you just as much as I do. You pleased my family. They love you, they wouldn’t ask for someone better than you in my life.”
“The only issue is that I no longer trust you.” I commented. “I don’t want to keep coming back to you and you break my heart. That’s not fun you know!” I said rather rudely.
“I know its not fun. I just…” He trailed off.
“You just what? Wanted to have sex and refused to wait a few months for me? That’s all I asked of you. To wait for me to have sex and to not push it! Instead you buried yourself in someone elses pussy and expected me to take you back like nothing happened.”
“I don’t expect anything. I was just hoping you would love me enough to take me back.”
“I do love you! More than anything! But you broke my heart and I don’t know what else I can do to make you realize that I had trust issues before I met you and you came along and broke down those walls little by little. And I fell so hard for you and I thought we would be together for a while. You broke every single promise you ever made to me and how do expect a girl like me to forget about it? To just come back to you?” I asked keeping myself together.
“I don’t know. Love can do amazing things.” He answered back.
“It doesn’t solve everything though, Jared. It doesn’t put us back where we were before.”
“Where were we before?” He asked.
“Well, I thought we were in love. You know like every movie or T.V show we ever watched together?” I asked back. “I told you everything! My friends barely know anything about me. You know everything. Not just about me but my family. You know how fucked up they are. And for some odd reason you stayed for as long as you did even though they are crazy and you knew it.”
“I didn’t care about your family because mine is fucked up too! They made my life seem normal. I liked your brother’s. They were protective just like me.”
“Obviously you couldn’t have been too protected you left me. I can’t sleep at night. Did you ever think that you were killing me and you didn’t even know?”
“I knew I was killing you. And it was killing me. I should have never done that to you.”
“Yeah. I know. You were the only person I had known and you hurt me and killed me.”
“I wish I didn’t. I did that with other girls and I knew that when I met you I had to stop that but it happened again and I didn’t want that to happen again and it sucks that I can’t have you back and I’m losing my mind!”
“You think you’re the only one losing your mind?! My mother is pregnant and the person who told me I would be okay and that I could live with him is you! You left! I have no one left because I don’t trust you anymore.”
“Stop reminding me that you don’t trust me! I already know!” He shouted at me.
“I’m going to remind you until you get my trust back.” I shouted back at him.
“You’re giving me a second chance?” He asked.
“I think so.” I answered. I really hoped it worked out this time because I loved him. And I wanted to be with him for as long as possible.