DEEP DARK AND DANGEROUS
Today we were taking my mom off the machine and to be honest, I didn’t think she was going to make it. I sat in her hospital room as the doctor came in and told me what was going to happen.
“Once we shut the machine off she will either breathe on her own or she won’t. You’ll hear her heart stop and she will be gone.” I nodded my head. I was preparing for this for a few weeks now. I was prepared in whatever happened. I heard him click the machine off and tears sprung in my eyes. I was here alone. No one else really cared. The doctors soon left and I heard her heart slowly stopping.
“I’ll understand if you let go. It’s okay. Don’t worry about me. I have Jared and his mom and they take good care of me. If it were me who was living off machines I would have let go a long time ago so I understand if you do it now.” I sniffled trying my best not to cry. “You weren’t the best mother but you were there. I’ll miss you mom. Goodbye.” I cried I heard her suck in a deep breathe before her heart fully stopped and the breath caught in the back of my throat. I held her hand for a while just to let her know that I was there and I wasn’t leaving her. When I let go I called Jared.
“Hey.” He answered the phone.
“Hey.” I said back barely hearing my own voice.
“She didn’t make it.” He said before I heard his keys and the car door closing. I just sobbed into the phone. He didn’t say anything he just listened to me crying. I sat down and placed my head in my free hand trying my bed to stop the tears from flowing out of my eyes. I had just watched my mother take her last breath. I was alone when I saw this happen.
“She’s gone.” I sobbed once he was in the room. He also had tears in his eyes. Her body was very pale and still. It was a scary sight to see.
*FEW DAYS LATER AT FUNERAL*
“Standing here today is a very weird feeling. In the last couple of weeks I have lost three people who have meant more to me than anything else in the entire world. I prayed every night that my mother would pull through and make it but it seemed it was her time to go.” I said at her funeral in front of all of our friends and family.
“When my parents got a divorce, I took it the hardest. Both of my brother’s had already gone to college and were getting girlfriends. I was alone in taking care of a person who should have been taking care of me. I had to become an adult way before everyone else. My mother wasn’t the type of person to put anyone’s life before hers but that’s the type of person she was. When she met Paul, it seemed to get easier on her and she loved him more than anyone else. Mommy you held on for so long and I understand that the twins needed you. They were calling you home.” I wiped my face from the tears.
“I wish I could have been there for you when no one else was. Instead you turned to the bottle and your body had given up and it shut down. If I could have taken away your pain I would have. I often forgot that while I was growing up, you were also growing old. I was too wrapped up in my boyfriend and school and softball that I forgot you needed me just as much as I needed you. Gandhi said that whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it’s very important that you do it because nobody else will. Like when someone comes into your life and half of you says:“You’re nowhere near ready.” And the other half says: “Make him yours forever.” Mom, Jared asked me what would I say if I knew you could hear me. I said: “I do know. I love you. God, I miss you, and I forgive you.” I forgave my mother for all she put me through because I put her through the same shit to her.
* FEW DAYS LATER*
We were celebrating someone else’s life today after just losing my mom a few days ago.
“Can you cheer up a little?” Jared as we were sitting at dinner with his mom, Liam and a few friends. I shook my head. I moved my food around the plate barely eat it. “At least eat please.” He said with a worried look on his face. I took a piece of steak that I cut and shove it in my mouth chewing it. Jared had become very worried that I wasn’t eating. Well how could I? It was like I had lost my appetite.
We had just moved my stuff into his house and into my own room where I had spent the last few nights. My brother had decided he was keeping the house and a ton of his friends moved in. Jared also decided he was going to bring Nate to the concert due to the fact that he thought I was too depressed to go. He asked in the nicest way possible but I understood why he wanted to take someone else. I leaned into him and he wrapped an arm around me.
“Can I sleep with you tonight?” I asked him.
“Of course you can.” I smiled up at him before kissing him and I heard someone’s camera go off. I held the kiss for a little longer so whoever was taking the picture had enough time to take it. “You can sleep with me whenever you want to.” He smiled at me once we broke away from the kiss. “I missed that smile.” He leaned closer to me. I smiled again as I picked up another piece of steak. Everyone at the table watched me as I swallowed it. I knew they were all concerned about me but I could handle this. I wasn’t starving myself. My body ate when it was hungry.
“You’ll it soon.” I said. I was slowly learning that my mother was in the place she has wanted to be since the divorce. Her heart was torn from her chest and laid on the ground. She easily passed it around before finding Paul. Her life wasn’t easy trying to raise three children. Two of which were in college and the other in high school. She then had twins on the way and I can understand why she was freaking out and she broke down. I would have too. It’s okay Mom. I understand. I forgive you.
Finally Ryan was eating and the smile on her face made me so happy. I wasn’t sure why it was there but I felt so relieved when I saw it plastered on her face. We began walking around in L.A after dinner and she never let go of my hand or arm. I watched as she looked around in each store picking out a few things she wanted.
“Whatever one you want.” I said to her as she looked at a pair of shorts.
“Oh my gosh! These say Jared’s booty on them!” She said laughing. I smirked knowing I wanted her to buy those ones. “I want these.” She said handing them to me and I went to pay.
“You will be showing those off later I hope you know that.” I said and she giggled.
“I figured.” She said as she stood by my side looking at some things as I paid.
“Is that all?” The cashier asked.
“Is that all you want, Baby?” I asked her and she nodded her head. “Yes.” I smiled before handing over the money and getting my bag back. As we walked out of the store she wrapped her arm around my waist and I wrapped mine around her shoulder. She looked at the lights that lined the streets and she smiled. “What are you thinking about?” I asked her looking down at her as we followed my friends with my mom behind us.
“My mom. You.” She smiled looking at me.
“What about us?” I asked her.
“This place is just as beautiful as both of you.” She said smiling.
“I could say the same for you but you are much more beautiful.”
*FEW WEEKS LATER RYAN P.O.V*
School was ending next week and I couldn’t be more thrilled. I was so sick of people giving me sympathy for my mother’s passing. I didn’t need it. We were all sitting in English class just talking.
“Ryan, what are you doing this summer?” Mr. Bilton asked me. I looked over at Jared.
“We are going to the White Mountains in Massachusetts.” He answered for me. We had just gotten back from Florida a few weeks ago during spring break. I smiled at him before he held my hand. I mouthed a thanks to him before the teacher went around asking other people what they were going to be doing over winter break. “And I’m going to spend every minute of it making sure you are happy.” He said smiling at me with that cheeky smile. I giggled before running a hand through his hair.
“I can’t wait.” I had decided to quit the softball team after my mother’s passing, there wasn’t a point in doing something that I was doing for her if she wasn’t here. Stephen was rather mad at me but sometimes, you just need a break and I needed a break.
“Ryan, how are you doing?” One of the guidance teacher’s asked coming into the room.
“I’m good.” I smiled. It was actually a relief that my mother didn’t make it. I didn’t have to watch her put herself through so much misery. I didn’t have to watch her drown an entire bottle of vodka each night and cry that she was too drunk. Maybe life was better like this. Now I only had to worry about myself. No teenager should ever have to be taking care of someone who should be taking care of them.