Learning To Love

How can you love when you are afraid of being touched?
How can you touch when you've been touched so many times before?
How can someone do something like that to a kid?
How can someone do something like that to his own son?
Lucas Heather has one of the worst pasts ever
He didn't share it
Didn't talk about it
But still...
Everyone knew what happened


8. Chap. 8

I stared up at him. I was completely lost of words. Should I believe him? He haven't lied to me in all the time we've met and he seemed trustworthy enough. But I had already made that mistake before, I trusted people too easily and they just let me down every time, my dad always told me it was because I expected too much from people. I remember one time when he got home drunk and came to my room, he sat with me and started ranting about how bad the world was and that we were all the cause of that, when I asked him what he meant he just said.

"People are not always what they seem. Things are not always what they seem. People take advantage on the weakest ones because they know they can break them with just a little pressure. But those people turn out to be weaker that the other, they just know what they have to do to hide it"

"I don't understand" I told him because I honestly didn't.

"There are two kinds of people in the world Daniel, those who do and those who doesn't. The ones who doesn't are the people who do bad things, who break the rules and who cheat and lie. You never put your trust in them. And then there are the ones who do, the ones who help you, care about you and are always there by your side. The ones who do can never pretend to be from the group of the ones who doesn't. But the ones who doesn't can, and they do. They pretend to be, and enjoy playing with your mind, making you do things that you don't want to, and most of all, they make you give your back to the people who loves you and cares about you. So you need to stay away from the people who doesn't but also look out for the people who do."

Ever since that talk I always classify the people I met by those categories. My mom was a do, so was my grandparents, my dad was a doesn't who pretended to be a do. After a while it became something natural. But me? I didn't know what I was. According to my dad I should be a doesn't, but my mom and Curtis say otherwise. I was so confused and there were so many things in my mind that it was starting to spin.

"Lucas are you okay?" And then I was brought back to reality by that calm and soft voice. Curtis was really close and I could almost feel the warm radiating off of him, making me want to get closer to him. And the simple fact that he was there calmed me down. No matter how confused I was, I knew something. Curtis was definitely a do. To answer his question I just nodded, and we both knew it wasn't true but he didn't say anything, and I appreciate that.

"Listen I know how hard this must be for you, you've been through a lot and it's not fair. But your tests came back today and they were all negative so I have no other reason to keep you in the hospital. So now we need to discuss your choices. You can either go to a foster house, with foster parents and a bunch of other kids, or you can go home with your mom and James. I know you are still scared but I promise that they won't hurt you, in fact I called James and he said that if you are not comfortable with him in the house he can go stay with his mother for a few weeks or until you are. And your mom said that she wouldn't pressure you, she is going to give you your time ok? If you want to spend the hole day locked up in your room then that's fine. But just know that she really wants you back, she wants a new beginning just as you do, and after everything is over you both will have one. You don't have to give me an answer now, you will be discharged tomorrow morning so by then will be fine."

I saw his hand reach for me and, without meaning to, I flinched and closed my eyes. When his hand started stroking my hair I felt my eyes filled with tears. Why couldn't I trust him? He was trying to comfort me and I just kept pushing him away. It was the same with my mom, I know it wasn't her fault and that she didn't want it to happen but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to get close to her again.

"You'll get better, with time. It will all go away, all the pain, all the memories, everything he ever did to you will go away eventually. All you have to do is focus in the present and forget about everything he ever told you, you can make your own decisions and he can't control your life. Is yours for a reason, you choose what to do with it."

"It's not that simple" I managed to choke out. The hoarseness in my voice was still there, but that was probably because I still didn't talk as much as I needed to for it to go back to normal "He may not be here but somehow he still is. I can hear everything he ever said to me in my head and it won't stop. And no matter how much you say it was all a lie, I can't forget it."

As soon as his hand stopped playing with my hair I felt this emptiness filled my chest. I didn't want him to get mad but it was true. But being here with Curtis somehow always made me want to talk and start over, he made me want to be better. And then it came to me... I wasn't going to see him again.

"What about what you said? About helping me?" I couldn't keep the stuttering out of my voice. He probably regret saying it, he was already tired of me. I was way too messed up for him to try and fix me. He was just going to send me back home to get better by myself, but how was I supposed to do that? I didn't even know how to talk to my mom and now he was going to let me leave just like that. I felt my heart beat picking up and my breathing getting quicker.

"Lucas, calm down. I'm not going to forget about you, I still want to help you. You are going to come here every two days to have a session with me and together we are going to get through this"

He just wanted to get ride of me. I was just a burden to him, he had more important things to take care of.

"Lucas, please. You are having a panic attack. I need you to trust me and try to calm down. I am not letting you go. I'm always going to be here to help you. But, please, calm down. Count your breaths. In and out, come on."

I slowly started to calm down. He wasn't going to leave me. I was going to come here and he was going to help me. It was going to be fine, right?

Of course it's not going to be fine. It's your life remember? You don't deserve it.

Please get out of my head, please.

Why should I? You are mine to do what I want and don't ever forget that.

I cringed at that and Curtis must have noticed because he gave me a confused look and was going to ask something when there was a loud BEEP! coming from his pocket. He took out a small black cellphone like thing and stared at it for a few seconds, then he looked back up at me and think of something for another few seconds before sighing and getting up.

"I'll check on you tomorrow morning to see how you are doing and if you made up your mind about where are you going to stay. But don't worry, it'll get better." And with that he stood up and left.

I was starting to get a headache, was he right? Was it all going to get better?

And who was I supposed to stay with? If I went with my mom then how was it going to work? Would she really make that James guy leave just so that I would stay with her? And what if she didn't? It would still be better that staying in a house with a bunch of people I don't now and who will be constantly making me questions about why was I there.

I hated making decisions by myself. That's why my dad always made them for me, he always knew what was right and what would be better for me. And what was I supposed to do now?



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