I just want to go home. I want everything to go back to be the same as before.
I hate my dad.. But I need him, I don't know what to do or how to act without him. I told Curtis that this morning, I had actually started opening more to him, he is nice talking to and he calmes me down when I wake up or if I am simply scared.
He just said that it was because I was used to it, but it's not that. I don't know what to do without him, he always told me what to do, made my choices for me, told me when to speak and when not to, when I could eat and when I could sleep.
He's been controling my life since forever and I don't know how to do it myself.
That's what I wanted to say to Curtis, but I don't know if I am allowed to talk. I need to ask him, but they won't let me talk to him. They say it's dangerous.
I didn't wanted to think anymore, my head was throbbing and I wanted to sleep. But I couldn't handle the nightmares
Curtis walked into my room holding a small pixi cup
"It will help you sleep, without nightmares most likely"
"You should try it, you look like you need it"
He won't let me
"You are not gonna get better like this"
Who said I wanted to? Maybe I liked the way things were before... Maybe. My dad said I did, so it was probably how all the parents treat their children... Right?
"I want to help you, but I can't do it if you don't talk to me, I need you to work with me"
And I need my dad...
At that piont, I broke down and started crying.
I saw him coming to me, so I covered my head with my arms, waitnig for the punch to come... But it never did.
"I am not going to hit you, I want to help you not hurt you"
He was just like everybody else
He was bad
And wanted to hurt me
They all did
Except my dad
He was good
He loved me
All he ever did was teach me and protect me
I was supposed to be with him
"Okey, I'm going to leave the cup here in case you want to take it, if you need me, you know what to do. Bye"
I watched him leave wishing I could tell him not to, I felt secure around him...
That was bad
He was bad
Dad is good
I need dad
I had been bad and deserved the punishment he was going to give me
He grabed me by the hair and pulled me up the bloody floor, leaving a few centimeters between the floor and my feets. He draged me all the way upstairs and in front of the closet on the hallway
"You are not coming out of there until you learn your lesson. You do not talk unless I tell you so, and from now on I don't want to hear a single noise coming out of your mouth. From now on, you are mute."
And then he put me inside of the closet, but it wasn't full of clothes, but of nails. He had made it that way so that the small space of the closet seemed far more small, and given that I was claustrophobic it made me hyperventilate and throw up most of the times I was there. That was why I hated it, I felt like the walls were closing on me, and no matter how much I screamed he never came to get me unless I had spent at least one full day here.
"For each time you scream or throw up it will be another hour so I would keep quiet if I were you"
" DID I GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO TALK YOU LITTLE SHIT? NO, NOW GET THE FICK OUT OF MY FACE!"
And with that he pushed me inside of the coset, slamed the door, lock it and turned the light offf.
The moment the light was out, fear started creeping up on me. I hated it. I hated my mom for not stopping it. I hated my dad- NO dad was good, he only did this because I was bad.
I was so into my thoughts that I didn't noticed going backwards until i felt the pain spread through my back, and the aching feeling
It brought me back to were I was, and I felt like there wasn't enough air there
The walls were shutting down on me
It was becomming too real
I needed to lay down
I needed space
I felt my insides churning
And the vomit rising up in my throat
And then I knew, I was gonna be there for a long time this time
Just when I thought i was going to pass out..
I woke up to Curtis shacking me awake
I stared at him for a couple of seconds with tears streaming down my cheeeks and sobbing, before I realized something
I had never in my life, felt safe with my dad.
The way he treated me wasn't right
The moment I realized that I wrapped my arms around Curtis and hugged him, grabbing onto him with the last bit of strenght I had left, and cried out the rest of the fears from my former nightmare
But.. Was it really the last bit of fear? I mean, there was always the chance he came back, and took me away. But living with that fear was much better than living like before... Right?