Learning To Love

How can you love when you are afraid of being touched?
How can you touch when you've been touched so many times before?
How can someone do something like that to a kid?
How can someone do something like that to his own son?
Lucas Heather has one of the worst pasts ever
He didn't share it
Didn't talk about it
But still...
Everyone knew what happened


10. Chap. 10

Lucas P. of V.: I woke up with the light shining in my eyes and my head resting against somebody's shoulder. My body tensed immediately and my heart started beating faster. He used to make me sleep with him like this, I wouldn't sleep but he made me lie beside him while he did. I shot forward and tried to put as much space between me and the stranger before turning around. I locked eyes with Curtis who was looking at me with a confused gaze before he finished waking up and realized what had happened. He got off the bed and gave me a small smile, one that I couldn't give him back. I couldn't remember the last time I had smiled, or laughed for the matter. I had tried so hard not to make any sounds that now my lips seemed to be sealed. It was normal for me, but seeing Curtis talk so much and encourage me to talk too just confused me. I had been told all my life that my voice was horrible and that it was best if I kept my mouth shut, that I had to keep my mouth shut. "Hey, how are you feeling?" I was thankful Curtis took me out of my thoughts. I hated to think like that but somehow I always ended up thinking about my dad. Everything that happens takes me back to something he did. I just nodded to let Curtis know that I was fine, even though we both know I wasn't. He stared at me for a couple of seconds and for a moment I thought he hadn't see me nod. But then I remembered what he told me the other day, that I needed to talk more so that my voice could go back to normal. I swallowed hard and took a deep breath before forcing the words out of my mouth. "I'm fine" It hurt more to say it than to think about it or pretend it. I didn't like lying to Curtis, but at the same time I knew he knows I'm lying. But he never says anything. "Okay" He said but his eyes told me another thing. He wanted to know the truth but he wasn't going to ask. He knew I didn't want to talk about it. "Well, I have your discharge papers ready and I just need you to tell me where do you want to go." When I kept looking at him and said nothing he started talking again "Remember what we talked about yesterday? You can either go home with your mother or you can go to a foster home." He said home. But was it really a home? A place where my mom, who I guess now would be my stepfather and me all living together in a house which I didn't know or had ever been in. Besides, what was I supposed to do? Stay closed up in my bedroom all day? Would I even have a bedroom? I know I shouldn't. Dad will come back for me shortly and then he will take me away again. I froze at that thought. Why do I have to think like that? Maybe everything will be better now. Maybe my mom will go back to her old self. Maybe James wasn't like my dad, and he would take care of us. That should be the thoughts in my head. But instead, I was thinking of where will my dad take me when he comes back. Will he take me back to he place he took me to when I was five. I couldn't go back there. It was horrible It was horrible because you deserved i, if you'd have been a good son then he wouldn't have done that. I cringed at the voice in my head. I never understood whose voice it was I just knew that every time I ignored it something bad happened. I deserved it. It had been my fault, that's why dad punished me for it. "Lucas" I looked up at Curtis once again. If I went to a foster house then dad wouldn't be able to find me "Do you want to go with your mom?" "Yes" ********************************** Curtis had left after that to finish taking care of the discharge papers and to give my mother the news. He said she would be happy to hear it. But would she really? Before I could go on any deeper thoughts Curtis came back in with a back pack. He left it at the end of the bed before coming over to me. "Okay. Well, I probably didn't mentioned this but seeing as you've been in bed for the past month and a half it might feel a little weird to stand up and start walking again. So we are going to take it slow and if anything happens, I'm gonna be right here. Alright?" I just nodded and scouted over to the side of the bed. Curtis took a step back but he was still close enough so that if I needed to I could hold onto him. I put my feet on the floor still helping myself with my arms that clunged to the side of the bed. I took a deep breath before letting go and I felt myself wobble a little before I lost my balance. He probably thought I was falling and didn't really think twice about reaching out and grabbing my arm. But at the moment Curtis took a hold of my arm I jumped forward, knocking myself over in the process. I let out a yelp but quickly covered it with my hand on my mouth. Do not make a sound. I heard the voice hiss in my head. (Listen to the song on the side for this part!!! Super sad song that made me cry) I saw the look of hurt in Curtis face as he slowly backed away from me. I knew he wouldn't hurt me. But it was what I was used to, I was used to people hurting me everyday. All this, he being here, my mom acting like one, dad being gone. It was all going to go away soon, it wasn't going to last long. And I was finding it harder every time to stay away from all of it. From all the love and security that they tried giving me. I felt safe here but when dad comes back he is going to take all that away. I felt a few tears left my eyes. I didn't wanted dad to come back. I wanted to stay here, and live with my mom. And I wanted to get better, to be able to trust people. I didn't wanted to be like this anymore, I wanted everything to go back to normal. I wanted my mom back. And even more, I never wanted to see my dad again. But I could never say that aloud, and I hated that even more. He has always been the one to tell me what to do, what to say and how to act. And I always followed him because I thought that it was right, he told me it was. I couldn't do anything without him getting mad at me, even things he told me to do. He would get mad and do bad things to me. And that was the thing that kept me from forgetting everything he ever told me. Everything he did, he could do it all again and I couldn't take it. It was too much.
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