Anger. It's a strange emotion that no one can contain, or control. Simple things can spark that emotion. A fight, a test score, a lecture from a Track teacher. But once it's set off, it's set off. There's no way of stopping it-it's near impossible.
Ever since I got over denial, I began feeling anger more often towards Avery. Never before had I been so angry. I would snap at Jade, my mother, Parker, anyone.
How did I go on and approach Jade? She did tell me that when I started going through the five stages of grief that I could come to her. Parker sensed that I had finished denying the death of my Aunt, and congratulated me half-heartedly on it. He was the one who suggested going to see Jade. At first I refused. She gave me an ultimatum, while I was mourning the death of my aunt. I needed her but she wasn't there for me. Why should I go see her? Parker just said to see her when I felt like it. It's been two weeks, and I haven't done anything about it.
When I was walking around, in another bout of depression, I found that my feet carried me to her doorstep. As soon as I got there, and realized that I was on Jade's front porch, I turned around, and began to make my way far away from this place. Even though I loved Jade, I was bound to feel hurt with her words.
I turned around, putting on an indifferent expression. "Jade."
"What are you doing here?"
I took a good look at her. She had bags under her eyes as well, she looked tired. "I don't know." I said truthfully.
"Oh." Her voice was so quiet.
"I'll be leaving now." I nodded at her curtly, and walked away. Tears began blurring my vision, until suddenly, I couldn't see anything. I stopped walking, leaned on a wall, and cried. Slowly sliding down the wall until I was sitting, I screamed. My life was so messed up.
"I wish that I could wake up with amnesia,
And forget about the stupid little things,
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you,
And the memories that can never escape."
I didn't know why I began singing that song in my head. Maybe because it actually fit in with my current predicament. A hand was on my shoulder in no time. I looked up and saw Parker smiling at me, but his eyes said otherwise. He was looking at me with such intensity, that I had to look away.
What shocked me the most was that he actually crouched down next to me, and gathered me in his arms, squeezing me tight. I stilled for a second, before relaxing into his embrace, and crying on him. He didn't say it was going to be alright, which I was thankful for. Instead, he kept silent as I drowned in my tears.
It had been so long since someone was there for me. Practically a month. I couldn't bring myself to forgive Jade, even though I took her advice. She didn't even come after me for God's sake. After I was finished crying, we just sat there, Parker leaning against the wall, holding me, while I was on his lap. And for that moment, I felt safe and secure. But of course, all good moments are lost to bad ones. And for some reason, all we remember are the bad things that happened to us, instead of reminiscing the good ones. I looked back at this day, mainly remembering what came after.
"You should have stayed. Talked to Jade." Parker said.
I got out of his embrace and stood up. "She was the one who left me, a few days after Avery died. Do you really expect me to forgive her? What if I had committed suicide?" I yelled.
"You weren't thinking about that!" Parker scoffed.
"Actually, I was!" I admitted loudly.
"What?!" Parker was shouting so loud, that I flinched backwards. If he noticed, he didn't show it. "Suicide?!"
"Yes! I loved her more than my mother! And she left me! She left me all alone, with no one to turn to! So many nights, I wondered why! It's her fault she's gone! It's her fault that she didn't care enough to say good bye to me!" Tears were streaming furiously down my face.
"How could you? Are you insane? That's the only explanation to this thinking. Or maybe you're just down right stupid!"
My eyes widened as he continued, "Do you not see people care about you? What about your mother? Jade? Me? Are you going to hurt us like that? You're so selfish! Uncaring, and unobservant!"
It felt like someone stabbed a knife into my heart, and started twisting it around, torturing me. I slightly shook my head as I took small steps backwards. Step by step, until Parker screamed, "Cecelia!" and lunged forward, pulling me in just in time before a truck drove past where I was standing. I would have died.
"Are you OK?" He was worried, yeah right. He made it clear what he thought about me.
I turned and fled. I knew it was cowardly, trust me. But I needed relief from the pain. It wasn't working, but I still sought it out.