Instead of going to dinner, where I should've gone. Where I partly wanted to go because my stomach was rumbling, I marched through the halls until I found the library. I pushed opened the beautiful doors and my anger disappeared from my mind for a few minutes. My goal was simple: Find a book that seemed interesting. Take it back to my room. Hopefully the book would work like drug. I would forget my troubles until the morning. I walked between the shelves my fingers running on books. I closed my eyes and inhaled sniffing the wonderful aroma that old books gave out.
Unable to decide what I wanted to read, I pulled out a book randomly and opened it to read the summary. It was a political book. I put it back, there was enough of that in my life right now. I just needed an escape. I looked at the covers, only pulling those out with the interesting title or cover name. I reached the end of the row I was at and I stood on my tip-toes and reached up for a interesting looking book. Dark, forest green cover, with the title written in gold. I opened the book and the pattern on the inside was red, green and silver triangles and circles. It was lovely. I stared at it for a few seconds before I flipped to the summary. Right then, a strong, putrid smell hit my nose. I froze and furiously looked at the words, which blurred in my eye. I tried to ignore the monster in the room.
He glowered at me, his thin lips curved upwards in a generally perverted smile. His hair was thinning and yet he still looked at me as if I was the prey to be caught. The prey of the season judging by his intentness. The thought of it- of him made me sick to my stomach.. His eyes burned holes in my shoulder, making me simmer even more with anger. He smiled at me.
"Hello Livia." He said, his eyes still intent. I held the book to my chest as if for protection.
"I've got to go," I said, walking behind the book case so I wouldn't have to walk past him. HE did the same, stopping me on my way out. I could smell his rancid perfume. It stung my nose and my eyes. "I should be at dinner."
"You could dine with me." He said, none of the menace in his voice from last night. I blinked at him. He was much smaller than me, stouter. And yet he was so much more stronger, powerful, and horrible than I could ever be. More than I would ever want to be.
"No thanks," I breathed out. He went from flirtatious to scowling in a second.
"Watch it, Livia." He growled. "You are quite close to being...gone." He stared at me, raw fury and hatred glowing in his eyes. I gulped. He held his pudgy fingers out to me, a large green ring sparkled on one of his fingers. He held two of his fingers close together. "You are this close." He said. I stared at the space where he was, when his scent would most likely still linger for minutes after he left. I pushed past him and walked to the door, opening it and I fled down the hall. The book I had picked up was still hugged to my chest. I ran to my room and then closed the door behind me and leaned on it. My breath caught in my throat.
He will be gone tomorrow, I tried to convince myself. But it will be me killing him. I thought and felt sicker to my stomach. I sunk to the ground, the book still clutched to me. I stared off to where the bed met the ground. The shadow and the carpet. Minutes past and I still stared. Finally, I blinked and looked away, at the book. I opened it and read the summary. Closed it. The once beautiful cover made me feel angry. The King. Old King Isaac had done that. He had ruined the book with his horrible-ness. I stood and fell onto the bed.
I tried to let go of all of the anger I felt. Of all the reasons I was angry, and it was working out until someone knocked on my door. I stood up quickly, scowling at the door as it opened and someone stepped in, then closed it. Bo. Everything I had just tried to push away came back and went from cool to boiling.
"You missed dinner," He said, avoiding my obviously mad eyes.
"And?" I responded shortly.
"And nothing. I was just informing you that you..."
"And I'm just informing you to get out." I interrupted him.
"No." Bo said, "I will not get out." I picked up a pillow from my bed and threw it at him. It hit part of his shoulder and slumped to the ground uselessly. "Liv, don't throw things. Be rational." he said.
"You be rational!" I said to him, raising my voice. "You don't throw things- people into situations with out asking them! With out giving them an option!"
"Well, I'm sorry..." Bo said, calmly.
"YOU CAN BE SORRY ALL YOU WANT." I screamed at him "THAT WON'T MAKE UP FOR THE FACT THAT I'M GOING TO KILL SOME MISERABLY POOR EXCUSE FOR A MAN TOMORROW. AND I, PERSONALLY, DO NOT WANT TO STAB HIM. I DON'T WANT THE BLOOD ON MY HANDS. WHATS THE USE OF MY GRAN ANYWAY? NOTHING. BECAUSE I'M KILLING THE FUCKING MAN. NOT HER. NOT THE PEOPLE. NOT US. ME. WHY WAS I VOLUNTEERED. I DON'T WANT TO STAB HIM TO KILL HIM.
"You left before we could talk about it." Bo said, trying to his the aggression in his voice.
"'YES. WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT IT. WHO AGREES FELLOW BROTHERS THAT IT SHOULD BE LIV,'", I said, poorly imitating them. "'YEAH, WHY NOT. LETS HAVE LIV BE OUR SCAPE GOAT SO WE CAN LIVE HAPPILY IN THIS BUBBLE OF A CASTLE. SHE MIGHT GET KILLED? EH. FOR A BETTER CAUSE. THANKS, BO. FOR GETTING HER TO TRUST YOU. GEE, WOULD THAT BE HARD IF SHE DIDN'T? THANKS A MILLION.ONE LIFE FOR ONE LIFE IS MUCH BETTER THAN AN ENTIRE CIVILIZATION DYING. SHE'D PROBABLY BE GLAD-HAPPY, TO DIE FOR A BETTER CAUSE. RIGHT? COOL. MY SAFE BROTHERS AND I AGREE. GOOD. LIVIA IS GOING TO KILL OUR FATHER FOR US. DO ALL OF OUR HARD WORK BECAUSE WE SAY SO. THAT'S HOW LIFE IS SUPPOSED TO BE'"
"THATS NOT WHAT HAPPENED." Bo yelled back, "LIV, I THOUGHT WE HAD YOU. I THOUGHT...."
"YOU THOUGHT. YOU THOUGHT BUT YOU NEVER ASKED ME. DAMMIT. I DON'T WANT TO KILL SOMEONE. BUT OH. WAIT. YES I DO BECAUSE MY HIGH AND MIGHTY KINGS WHOLE RULE A QUARTER OF THE FREAKING WORLD SAY SO AND I SHOULD BOW BEFORE THEM FOR THEY HAVE BESEECHED ME TO DO SO. AND OH, WOULDN'T I DO ANYTHING FOR THOSE POWERFUL AND GOOD-LOOKING HEADS? WELL OF COURSE SO. THAT DOES MAKE SENSE. DOESN'T IT?"
"THATS NOT WHAT HAPPENED."
"FINN BROUGHT IT UP. IT IS ALL FINN'S FAULT. BLAME HIM ALL YOU WOULD LIKE BUT IT'S ALSO YOUR MISTAKE." We were standing across from each other, originally not he same side of the bed but somehow we had had our own side to stand on. "YOU JUST ACCEPTED IT. YOU LIKED THE IDEA. THAT'S NOT WHAT PEOPLE ARE SUPPOSED TO DO. YOU DON'T JUST AGREE FOR SOMEONE ELSE. EVERYONE HAS A SAY. THATS WHY WE HAVE THIS NEW WORLD. NO CROWD MENTALITY OR FOLLOWING OTHERS. BUT YOU. YOU ALL, YOU SEVEN," I angrily spat out the word like it was a curse."YOU ALL JUST HAVE TO AGREE WITH EACH OTHER. YOU DON'T CARE WHAT OTHERS THINK OR WHO YOU PUT IN DANGER ON THE WAY TO GET WHAT YOU WANT. IN THAT WAY, YOU ARE JUST LIKE YOUR PATHETIC EXCUSE OF A FATHER." The words stung, deeply. We were both silent, breathing angrily. I had gone too far.
"I AM NOT." He said, sounding hurt. I was already regretting what I had just said. But I couldn't take it back. Not now. "WE ARE TRYING TO DO SOMETHING BETTER. FOR EVERYTHING. SURE, HE IS HORRIBLE. AND HE DOES DESERVE TO DIE. AND HE WILL DAMMIT. AND IF YOU HADN'T...EXPLODED BACK THERE THEN WE COULD'VE DISCUSSED ANOTHER OPTION. BUT YOU KNOW- I CAN SEE IT IN YOUR EYES THAT YOU DO, YOU KNOW IT MAKES SENSE FOR YOU TO DO IT."
"BUT IT DOESN'T. I HAVEN'T BEEN THE ONE PERSONALLY HURT BY YOUR FATHER. YET." I added, unnecessarily. I wanted more of a rise out of him, I guess "BUT OH BOY, I KNOW HE WILL. HE IS HORRIBLE. HE HAS HURT TWO GENERATIONS OF MY FAMILY AND IF HE LIVES IT WILL BE THREE. BUT I AM NOT THE RIGHT PERSON TO DO THIS. YOU HAVE GONE TO FAR. ENDORSING MY DEATH. I HAVE JUST BEEN A PAWN TO YOU." I seethed.
"You have not." Bo hissed back.
"I have. As soon as I mentioned my Gran and the hatred I have for your father, you narrowed in on me. You brought me before your brothers. You never liked me." I said. "You don't care that I'll most likely die tomorrow night. You forget yourself! Other people too! You forget Maro is your fathers guard, and she is very good. You haven't been to many of our practices but she is strong and almost an automatic protector. SHE WILL SLAUGHTER ME. AND YOU JUST SIGN AWAY MY DEATH CONTRACT."
"MANY PEOPLE WOULD LOVE TO DIE FOR A GOOD CAUSE. FOR THE BETTER OF THE WORLD."
"THEN WHY NOT JUST HAVE THEM INSTEAD? BECAUSE I'VE BEEN LIVING AT THE CASTLE FOR A WEEK SO YOU THINK I SEE BOTH SIDES? I THOUGHT I DID, BUT APPARENTLY I DON'T. BUT NOW I THINK I DO. I THINK THIS SIDE IS A GROUP OF SELF-PROMOTING, CONFIDENT, ASSHOLES WHO THINK THEY CAN BEND OTHERS TO THEIR WILL JUST BECAUSE THEY ASKED.You don't even seem to care that I'll be gone." I finished, sadly.
"I will." Bo said quietly. I blinked at him, as if to say. 'but you really don't.' "DAMMIT LIV, I REALLY DO LIKE YOU. A LOT. AND I'M SORRY IT SEEMS EVERYTHING IS AGAINST YOU. THAT'S WHAT LIFE IS..."
"YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT LIFE IS. YOU HAVE BEEN STUCK IN THIS CASTLE. AND PEOPLE OTHER PLACES," I said, sweeping my arm around the room as if to gesture to the walls, " PEOPLE LIVE. AND THEY DON'T KILL PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY ARE TOLD TO BY SEVEN BOYS WHO THINK LIFE IS JUST THEIR PAWNS ON A BOARD. BECAUSE IT'S NOT. I THOUGHT I LIKED YOU. A LOT. BUT I GUESS I'M WRONG. I GUESS I WAS JUST IN LOVE WITH THE BASTARD THAT TRICKED ME INTO DOING HIS DIRTY WORK. DAMN YOU BO. DAMN YOU AND YOUR TRICK AND SHENANIGANS." Bo was quiet. He stared at me as if he had hurt himself. I had hurt him though and it was probably right.
"Please get out." I said weakly. Bo slowly and sadly, his shoulders and head slouching unhappily towards the door when he closed it behind him. All the horrible things I had said to him came rushing back, hitting me everywhere and I fell onto the bed and curled into a ball and started to cry. Everyone needs to cry sometimes, especially the strongest. But I wasn't strong. I was weak and I had to be strong. I had just pretended to be strong and hurt someone. But he had hurt me too. And wouldn't that be justified? But by whom. No one. My words came back, stabbing me everywhere. The only thing on my mind was regrets.
I cried until no more tears came out and then I had to rush to the bathroom to vomit. I vomited all the horrible things my mouth had said. And then, weakly I climbed into bed and tried to fall asleep. Of course my body wouldn't let me. I opened the book that now held so many painful memories and tried to forget them all and just get sucked into the story.