1. I love you all


Let's get things straight before your demented mind goes twisting my carefully choreographed words.

I am not attention seeking.

I most certainly do not aim to get your ass teeth grappling the edges of your seats.

I don't care if I offend, because at this point I nestled myself in the safe suburbia of I don't give a wild flying shit.

My words are not meant to be taken out of context but are to be remembered in times of distress or true angst spiked anguish.

Now that I've got your attention.....I'd like to thank you all for trying.


Your efforts were not overlooked but unfortunately, futile.

But I would like to give individual gratitude to some of my loved ones. Let's see if you can find yours, shall we?

Jeez...where do I start? You and I had a rough start, we're carbonated drink camp going buddies but unfortunately our friendship got clouded and we had a falling out, but I never forgot our times watching Alex Rider on your floor at 2 in the morning and picking what I always thought were crab apples in your front yard. And though we had a falling out I am grateful you gave us another chance because I couldn't leave this earth knowing we hadn't made peace. And I hope you recognize this as your story. Because you were right,

"to die would be an awfully big adventure"

I'll never forget how you gave me little pecks on the cheek in lieu of saying "goodbye" - so beautiful.

Oh sweet sweet ushka, did you know that's Ukrainian for little ears? Who knew you knew Ukrainian - told you we were sisters. Of course we're sisters, you know when I'm upset before I get a chance and you know when I like someone before even I know, you knew I liked t before my heart did like holy hell how you love me. Which breaks me in half because you loved me so fiercely it's a shame my emotions are dull I can't -as hard as I try- feel them the same way I used to. I don't know but I'll never forget our talks and that day we drove to portillos and saw Tyler and you hit the radio *bangbang* sigh, you and I weren't friends from the start, we were young, I was shy, and you were prepubescent fabulousness that I couldn't keep up with. But I am so thankful for you and the friendship we've had because without you I'd never have a sister. I'll miss you.

Oh the bands you'll see oh the books you'll publish, you dear are so loved by all our friends. Sometimes I want to be you because you are so gifted in how you care for those and how you are so knowledgable and noble. And though we dwelled on rough waters for awhile we are back and I treasure you. But sometimes I feel like nothing compared to you because you have history with everyone and I'm just a stupid insignificant stand in and I'll always be loved by you but ill never be enough. I'll never do enough or be enough to remember......and I know it seems childish and ridiculous - believe me I know but if I don't ask you I'll bust. next time...........will you light my candle?

Okay now I'm starting to cry it's too hard but I can't stop, not now not that I've come to you, jeez I love you so much, I feel as if I'm going to leave a piece behind, and I don't know if I care, I suppose that's what we have to deal with, when we're horribly indecisive, you and I. To bring up memories would be too easy and hard because that would mean id have to pick some over others. But I have to, you are my babe. Our times are sweet and our laughs many but lately I feel like I am too much to deal with and I am trying to fix myself for you,but as it's been said "no medicine in the world can do ya good" and I believe that's true. I'm beyond help. I'm becoming dull and I'm petrified and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm a pain in your neck, I'm sorry I like him, I'm sorry I try so hard for you to like me, I'm sorry I want to be your best friend but I'm not who you want, I'm sorry I just really am.

And I feel as I'll always be stained-glass window. You all will look at me but not see, you will notice the colors but not the cracks.

I'm like an old coat. You have me, but you don't need me. But you don't have the guts to throw me away.

I'm laying here sobbing because I hurt, it's physically pains me to live and breathe. I love you all so much and I can't believe I'm losing you all to my murky mind pool. I'm scared because once you all read this it'll be out and you won't look at me the same, not that You all give a damn because I no longer matter. I see all but I don't always say anything, I see what you say to eachother, how you encourage and love one another and compliment and just react with such enthusiasm and no one notices I'm gone. It hurts. It hurts alot, I hate myself because I'm noticing it more and more and I cry so much now. More than I ever did, and I loathe myself for each tear for I cry in vain.

And I don't want...I don't need to hear that's its the devil making things worse than they seem because that is simply not true, I live the sadness and feel the rejection. I experience the disinterest you have for me. As I say "goodnight" I've yet to get an I love you, much less an actual response which breaks me because I genuinely love and admire you all and you are just not interested in me. I offer to be a listening ear or to just be there and I get ignored. And it hurts. Alot. Because I just want to love.

I just hurt.

Everyday is a struggle and I find myself thinking about all the dumb stuff I've said and done and I cannot go back. I can't take back words or confessions and I can't say I didn't mean them.

"There isn't much left to cling to..and I'm petrified"

You had probably guessed it by now but these letters I am writing to you all are the beginnings to an obituary and I can't believe I'm actually posting this publicly. But I figured what the hell considering I've been struggling with this for 2 years and I'm starting a mental countdown. I will miss you all. God ill miss you. Hooligans, goons, golden individuals. But for now....


- "it is finished."

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