Im never gonna date you luke hemmings


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28. guilt

"Carly

i drive to school in the rain, nervous about what Michael will be like. i was also thinking about what happened with Luke yesterday, remembering his lips on mine. my heart fluttered as i thought about the realization of my feelings for Luke. who knew this would happen?

i park and hurry into the school building, trying not to get wet from the rain, and i start walking to class. i had fifteen minutes before it started, so i took my time. as i walk past the library, i hear someone call my name, and i turn around to see Michael. i feel instantly nervous as we walks over to me. he has a smile on his face which confuses me.

"hey michael." i give him a small smile.

"look, i wanted to say that i'm really sorry about yesterday-" he fishes around in his bag and pulls out a rose. "so i bought you this..." he handed it to me, and i blushed and took it. 

"Michael, this is so sweet." i say as i twirl the flower in my hand. 

"i was a complete asshole yesterday, and i'm really sorry that i didn't trust you. i know you would never cheat." i feel the guilt eat away at me as he pulls me into a hug.

"i trust you, i promise i will always trust you. it was wrong to think you were cheating on me with Luke. i know you don't like him." 

"yeah." i smile and then he grins at me. 

"now come here, we have a bit before class starts." he tugs on my arm to a hall that wasn't used in the morning and i wondered what we were doing here. 

"mich-" i was cut off by his lips pressing to mine. it was different from when Luke kissed me. because with michael, it had a sense of urgency that would consume me like a drug. i got pressed against the wall and Michael's hands were cupping my face. while i was enjoying it, i felt guilty for doing so. i was confused about having feelings for two guys. i really shouldn't be kissing either of them. But i missed kissing Michael because first he was sick, then i was sick, and then he got mad, so it's been a while. 

i pressed him closer with my hands on his back and tried enjoying it without thinking of the confusion i felt. soon, i was sat on his waist and he was kissing my neck and giving me small love bites. i could tell he missed me and was trying to make it up, but i felt like shit the whole time, knowing i cheated on him. 

we heard the warning bell sound, but didn't really pay attention to it. i was trying to forget about Luke for the time being, trying to convince myself that Michael was the right choice. i was pressed between the wall and michael, we were attached by the lips. he pulled away breathless and i saw the flush in his face.

"does that make up?" he asked.

"yeah." i nodded and smile, knowing i was blushing too.

"good." he pecked my lips and let me down from his hips. 

"will you walk me to class?" 

"sure." we intertwine our fingers as we walk to my first class which was government. when we get to the doorway, he kisses my forehead and says,

"see you in science." and i smile and then he walks off to go to his class, and i walk in mine. 

i don't listen to the teacher. instead, i think about the whole 'feelings' situation. i try to think about who i wanted to end up with, but i come to a blank. i like both of them, and to be honest, i cant choose, this was a hard decision. on the one hand, me and Michael rushed into things, and i have known Luke for years. but on the other hand, i had rejected Luke all this time, and haven't felt- or realized- feelings for Luke.

i was just getting used to the idea that i fell for Luke, and maybe it was a sign that i truly loved him. i tried to step back and really think about if i liked Michael or not. i found him attractive the day he came into class, and thinks kinda went fast from there. i knew he liked me, but do i really like him? maybe i like Luke more... 

i eventually gave up on thinking about it for now, and tried focusing on the judicial system, i found no interest in it and it was highly boring to me. 

after class was over, i rushed to my next class so i could hurry and get it done with.

finally, Science rolled around, and i sat down in my usual seat. Luke walked up to me and i panicked and looked around, relieved to see Michael wasn't here yet. he said he trusted me, but it might be really sensitive and seeing me with Luke probably wouldn't make him happy. 

"hey Carly." he smiled and sat beside me.

"hey Luke." i blushed when i looked at his lips, remembering the sweet taste of vanilla, unlike mikey who tasted like mint. 

"remembering yesterday i see?" 

"maybe." i admit. 

"so... is Michael still mad at you?" i knew he was going to ask that.

"no, he said he was an ass and that he is sorry." 

"thats nice." i could tell it was awkward for him, talking about my boyfriend. 

"look about yes-" 

"hey Carly." i look up and smile at Michael, embarrassed and wondering how long he was standing there. 

"hi Michael." i stand up to give him a hug, but he doesn't look happy.

"luke." i think i knew why he was mad now. "i thought you weren't friends with Luke?" he turned to me.'

"well i uh..." i didn't know how to answer, and hesitating made me seem like i was trying to hide something. i sent Luke a pleading look, wanting him to help me. he nodded slightly, then spoke.

"i was just over here asking if she needed the notes we took in class yesterday." he was such a good liar and i started to wonder if that was good or bad. 

Michael looked at me to confirm what Luke said and i nodded. 

"alright, thats nice of you." i could feel Michael was tense with me being around Luke, but he was trying to prevent another fight. lord knows we cant get suspended again. 

"yeah. so you want those notes?" Luke looks at me with his eyes; god he is so attractive. 

"uh yeah, thanks." 

"alright." 

"you can get them later." Michael takes my hand and starts pulling me towards two vacant seats, and i look over my shoulder mouthing, 'im sorry' to Luke. he frowns, but he knows i don't have a choice.

"it's- its still weird seeing you by Luke." Michael said when we got seated. 

"me and Luke used to be friends." well actually were in love and i'm trying to figure out if i want you or Luke so were more than friends right now actually and i'm kind of cheating on you but i feel so bad about it. i bite my lip, fiddling with my lip ring. its a nervous habit and Michael knew that.

"something wrong?" i stop and put my hands in my lap.

"nothing." i look up and see Luke setting his things out on his desk, looking lonely. i was to sit with him, but then Michael would suspect something. 

"uh, okay." he doesn't seem to accept my answer, but he doesn't say anything else. 

class starts soon after that, and me and Michael hold hands under the desk. while i'm close to him, i feel nervous. i cheated on him and he doesn't deserve that. i really do feel like shit about this whole thing; i never thought i would be caught in this spot. 

when class ends, me and Michael walk to lunch, hand in hand of course. when we sit down, i look around for Luke and see him sitting alone, picking at his hanburger. i frown, but then i try to ignore him because once again, Michael would know something's up. 

"so uh carly, i was wondering if you wanted to maybe go out tonight? everything has been hectic lately, but know that things are settled, i want to take you on a proper date." this catches me off guard and i almost fall off the seat. i didn't think Michael cared about trying another date since the first one sucked.

"yeah, that sounds great." i smile and peck his lips, comparing his to lukes for the millionth time. maybe i could find something i liked better about Michael than Luke, but i was failing at that. m

"you seem quiet today. is something wrong?" shoot, i was letting my inner emotions show. 

"oh its nothing. just finishing recovery from that cold i guess." 

"oh. well alright." we eat in silence for a few minutes before i feel my phone buzz in my pocket and i take it out and see a message from Luke.

"who's that?" Michael asks with chewed up fries in his mouth. i mentally cringe at the sight before answering. with a lie of course. 

"my mom. probably something silly." he chuckles and goes back to eating luckily i was across the table from him, so he couldn't actually see my phone. 

iMessage from Luke

hey

Me: Hey Luke

Luke: whats up?

Me: eating lunch, but you knew that

Luke: yeah i guess i did

Me: lol

Luke: so i was wondering, can you hang out tonight?

Me: i have a date with Michael tonight

Luke: :(

Luke: can you get out of it?

Me: i don't know

Luke: please? for me?

Me: your messing with me

Me: cause i don't know who i want to be with 

Luke: you haven't hung out with me really since Michael came along though

Me: thats true...

Luke: so you'll get out of it?

Me: maybe... let me see

i looked up at Michael while he was eating, feeling bad that i was about to blow off the date with a big lie. 

"Hey, my mom wants us to eat out as a family tonight." i fake disappointment to add to the effect. 

"really?"

"yeah, i frown at my phone. she wont let me miss it." 

"well.. thats alright i guess. we can always go tomorrow." 

"yeah..." i could tell he was upset about it and that made me feel even more guilty. this is tearing me apart inside. i wished none of this happened. Michael didn't know his girlfriend was going behind his back trying to figure out who she wanted to be with. i felt the sudden urge to cry, and i told michael i was going to the bathroom. i got up and walked to the closest one and went to the sink.

no one was in here which was good since i was starting to cry. i gripped the sides of the cold sink and watched tears slip down my face. this was eating me alive. i've never done anything like this before, which made me feel worse since it was so out of character. 

i hadn't noticed that Luke was standing behind me until he cleared his throat and i turned around startled. 

"Luke!" i gasped. "what are you doing here?" he frowned when he saw me crying, and said nothing. he just pulled me to his chest and held me tightly. i cried on him, scared of what was going to happen in the future with all of this. 

"i-i cant c-cheat." i said between sobs. he rubbed my back soothingly, trying to calm me. i really appreciated how caring he was. 

"im sorry your in this position." i said nothing in reply. instead, i tried to distract myself with the smell of his cologne. it soothed me and eventually i stopped crying. i looked in the mirror, seeing my mascara had smudged. i grabbed a paper towel and frantically scrubbed at it to clean my face. when it was almost off, i thought it was good enough and turned back to Luke.

"thank you." i give him a hug and he presses his lips to my forehead. i shudder at the contact and then i worry because i never did that when Michael kissed me. 

"anytime." i move away and sigh, dreading going back into the cafeteria. "its hard to see you struggling like this." Luke said. "i cant tell its really hard." 

"it is. i never thought i would be in this situation." 

"it will be alright." 

"either way, i'll disappoint one of you. and i don't to do that." tears start to prick my eyes again and i blink rapidly to try and clear them.

"i know. its all up to what you want." 

"i don't know what i want." 

"no one said you have to know."

"what?"

"these things take time. and if I've waited all this time to try and get you to like me, i can wait a little longer while you sort out this mess." i smile at his words. Luke is right and i loved how he was being so considerate at the moment. i figured he would just try to get me to pick him.

"thank you." i started to calm down and that's what I've needed to do this whole time. i started feeling better about lying to cancel my date with Michael. i can hang out with Luke trying to figure this whole thing out. 

"anytime." he smiles and i see how it lights up his eyes and i grin.

"your smile is beautiful." i blush and fiddle with my shirt sleeve. we stay silent for a little while before Luke speaks up again.

"so, ready to back to lunch?"

"yeah, i guess." i wipe under my eyes one more time before deciding i looked like i didn't have a breakdown, and walked out with Luke. we got to the door, and he let me go in first so Michael wouldn't suspect we were together. 

i sit back across from Michael, seeing all his food is gone, and some of mine is too. i raise an eyebrow at him and he grins sheepishly. 

"you were gone a while and i was hungry... it was just sitting there..." i laugh at him while he eats a fry. growing boy i guess. i wasn't really in the mood to eat anyway. the stress made me lose my appetite. 

a few minutes later, the bell sounded that said we needed to go to class.

"bye Michael." i say as i walk to my next class. he pecks me on the cheek before letting me go. instead of making me happy, it just makes me feel more guilty.  


 

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