I walked out, not really sure of where I was going. I was sick of the place and I just knew I couldn’t stay there anymore, I couldn’t pretend I was having the time of my life while they were making out just a few meters away from me. It made me sick just to imagine him touching her and her moaning his name, and her nails digging into his skin like they did into mine. Seeing them together was just too much for me to take. What the hell was she doing, kissing him like that? She was grinding her hips into his and kissing him and he was biting her neck and I felt like I was capable of killing him right then and there. They would probably have sex somewhere later and I couldn’t get that image out of my head, I just couldn’t. I wanted to forget about it ever happening, and that’s when I realized that she probably felt that way when I fucked Jessie. Shit, I was such an asshole. At least Jake’s a good guy, he’d be an upgrade, and I was scared because he’s actually better than me. But Jessie? She was just a plain downgrade, and it would be hurtful for anyone to be replaced by a girl like that. Serves me right then that she left with Jake, i had it coming.
I left without saying hi to anyone, so Connor ran out after me once he saw me leaving and he had some trouble catching up with me because I practically ran outside, brushing past people. Once he managed to catch me, he asked me where I was going.
-For a walk, I don’t know, man.-I shrugged.
-Why? We were having a good time, even though you aren’t supposed to be here, you know.-he looked uncomfortable.
Was he really standing there saying I wasn’t invited? Someone was groping my fuck buddy and he was telling me it was okay? I gripped his t-shirt and pinned him against the wall and there was a loud thump when his body hit the wall.
-Oh, yeah? And why is that? Because Jake didn’t tell me about it, that’s why, huh? Who the fuck are you guys to tell me I’m not welcome?!
He looked scared as fuck, so I let go of him. It was Jake’s fault, not his. He was just trying to be a good friend to both of us, but that wasn’t possible anymore. It sucks, but that’s the way things got that night. He took something of mine and we couldn’t be best friends anymore.
-You’re supposed to be my friend, too, Connor, and I have every right to be here. Who the fuck is Jake to tell me not to come here?-I hissed.-She was with me and now he’s just scared that I’ll take her away, that’s why he doesn’t want me here.
-I know, mate, but don’t ruin this for him. You had your chance and you didn’t want the girl, let’s face it.-Connor was calm once again.-You had your fun, now let Jake have his.
-I don’t want Jake around her, I don’t want him groping her and touching her, don’t you get that?-I kicked over the trash can with my foot, I just needed to kick something.-He can’t have her!
-Niall, mate, chill out, she’s just a girl.-he put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it, but that didn’t calm me down at all.-You said you don’t care about her, and he does, so he wins.
-He can’t win.-I shook my head and looked at his face.
He showed no sign of being worried or feeling sorry for me. How the fuck could he be so calm? Didn’t he realize what was going on? Jake was taking her away from me, and I didn’t want to let that happen, but I had no choice. No, I had to do something. Jake could just fuck off.
-It’s not about winning a game, it’s about winning a girl. Jake doesn’t want to just fuck her, okay? You should let him have her because he’s gonna be nice to her.-he spoke slowly, trying to make me understand his point of view, but I couldn’t.
-And I’m not? That’s what you’re saying. I’m not good for her, right?-I raised my eyebrow at him and waited for his reply.
-I’m not saying that. If you were different, you’d be great for her. I’m one of those people who believe that women aren’t there just for sex, that’s all.-he swallowed the lump in his throat.
-That’s why you’re an 18 year old virgin, Connor.-I snapped at him, but I immediately regretted it.-Sorry, mate, I didn’t mean it like that.
-It’s okay, I know it’s lame.-he shrugged.
-No, it’s a good thing.-I put my hand on his shoulder.-Chicks dig that. They don’t want guys who fucked everyone, trust me, I know.
-Is that why she broke it off?-he asked, and it got me thinking.
-I don’t know, mate, she just told me to leave her alone.-I replied.-But I don’t want to. I don’t want Jake to have her. She makes me like… Happy, I don’t know.
-So that means you do care for her?-he seemed confused.
-I don’t want to talk about these things. She’s a nice girl, really pretty and smart and not at all naive, she’s good.-I nodded.
-That’s not enough. Not enough.-he sat down on the lawn.-Girls want more. They don’t want to be okay, nice and all that shit. They want to feel special and gorgeous and loved, you’ve got to understand that, it’s just their thing. And if Jake’s making her feel that way, you should let him. You aren’t the type of guy for that, he is. That’s all. It isn’t about who’s better, it’s about who’s better at relationships and since you haven’t had any and don’t want to have any, he wins.
-You’re a smart kid, Connor.-I replied, realizing he was right.
That’s what she wanted. That’s why she was with Jake now instead of me. I didn’t make her feel like she was amazing, I wasn’t capable of that, i wasn’t capable of anything, it seemed. He could get her to feel all those things, and I couldn’t. I was too fucked up for that. I told Connor I’d be back later and I went back inside, hoping to get drunk and get the whole idea out of my mind.
I leaned on the bar, ordered myself another beer and chugged it down, thinking about the conversation I had with him. I thought about them kissing and I just couldn’t stand it. If they got together, they’d be all over each other at college and at every party and I wouldn’t be able to take that. She’d be his and I would have no one, and I would be forced to see them together all the time and to be okay with it. I felt sick all of a sudden and I just wanted to go home. Why didn’t I look after her when I had the chance? If I hadn’t screwed this up, we’d still be fuck buddies and it would all be good. But, no, I had to mess things up and now she’s hooking up with Jake and I’m sick of it already.
I walked out of the club again and found Connor sitting on the front lawn with some of our friends. I told him I couldn’t stay there anymore, and then he asked what’s going on. I thought he was talking about me, but he was actually talking about some idiot doing stupid turns with his car in the street. A few people from the party were outside, looking at the car which was turning in circles in the middle of the road, they all seemed worried. There was dust from the road flying all around and the tires screeched as the car spun around. My ears hurt when the car started spinning. Just by catching a glimpse of the car, I knew who it was.
That stupid drunk cunt Jake. He always did that when he was drunk, I was there with him a million times and I admit that I’ve had the time of my life when he’d spin his car like that, but now it was different. Y/N was there with him and she was probably scared as hell, and she was drunk. She was a girl, for fuck’s sake, he shouldn’t be doing that to her. I got scared the first time I was in a car and someone rotated it, and I’m a guy. I got scared for her, but I couldn’t do anything. I ran over to the crowd, but I couldn’t stop the car, he was still hitting the pedal and I could hear him laughing inside the car, probably thinking he’s funny and entertaining as fuck. Let’s just see how entertaining he’ll look when I run him the fuck over once he gets out of the car. I stepped out on the road, trying to get him to see me, but I didn’t think he did. They were spinning too fast, and the tires left black marks and the screeching made my insides turn.
Someone shouted at me to move away from the road because he might hit me, but I just wanted him to stop. I felt like an idiot, standing there waiting for him to stop the goddamn car, not doing anything about it. I felt powerless, all I could do was stand there and pray for him to stop the car before something bad happens to them.
-Oh my God, he’s gonna crash into the lamp!-someone yelled and I felt like shit, I couldn’t do a thing to stop it.
Luckily, the car stopped in the middle of the road and there was dust flying in the air all around us, I couldn’t see anything. Something told me to run over there before he goes for round two, so I did. I couldn’t contain my anger and I was afraid of myself. Sometimes I’d get so mad I couldn’t stop. I usually had Jake by my side to stop me before seriously injuring someone, but now he was the one I was angry at, and that only happened once in my entire life. I swear to God, I was so close to killing him. I opened the front door and Jake looked surprised as fuck to see me there, he had a huge grin on his face, but that disappeared when he noticed my angry expression. I grabbed him by the shirt and and pulled him out of the car forcefully, I think he hit his head on the way out.
-What are you doing?-he yelled at me, as if I was the one who was acting irrational.
I couldn’t think, I couldn’t breathe, I felt thumps in my ears and my heart was beating fast, all I felt was rage deep down inside of me. I kicked his head with my forehead, which made him fall down to the ground like a little bitch. I lifted him up like he was a lightweight, and I did that just to smack him across the face once and then I let him fall down again. My fist hurt, I had a cut, but his face must have hurt even worse, and I didn’t want to do anything more than that to him, even though I was so pissed at him.
-You fucking asshole. Go risk your own life, I don’t give a shit about that, but leave her out of this!-I yelled at him and the ran over to her side of the car and opened the door for her.
I pulled her out of the car as well and examined her from head to toe, making sure she was alright. She wasn’t hurt, just a bit shocked, she was shaky on her legs and pale, but that was it.
-Next time think twice before getting into cars with jerks, okay?-I snapped at her and grabbed her wrist.
I just wanted to get out of there, and I was going to take her with me. She left with Jake and a shit storm just had to happen, so I wanted to get her home safe. I didn’t have a car with me, so I had to take Connor’s. He wasn’t in the crowd, which meant he was on the other side of the car, helping Jake get up. Jake was still on the floor, holding his head in his hands and Connor was kneeling down next to him, checking if he was alright.
-Connor, keys!-I yelled and he just stood there in shock.-Give me the fucking car keys!
He threw them at me and I continued walking towards Connor’s car, and she was keeping up with my pace, my fingers were still wrapped around her wrist tightly. I didn’t want her to stay there.
Once we got to the car, I opened the door for her and helped her get in, but I wasn’t gentle when I pushed her inside, I just wanted to get lost, I didn’t want to stay there, not even for a minute. I turned the engine on in silence and just drove away from that fucking club before I had the chance to walk back there and beat the fuck out of Jake for doing this.
-Niall….-she started saying something, but I interrupted her.
-Just save it, okay?-I muttered.
I wasn’t mad at her, I was mad at myself for doing this to her. And at Jake for doing this to her. We were both fucking idiots. She could have gotten killed, and he could, too. And why? Because I showed up. Mom was right, I always fuck things up for everyone. If I didn’t fuck around with her, none of this would have happened. I screwed everything up and then I came and screwed everything up for Jake as well. That’s what I was mad about.
I kept my eyes on the road, not wanting to look at her because I was so upset. She left with Jake, and he was drunk and they both could have gotten killed, and I couldn’t get it off my mind. I didn’t look at her until I heard her sniffing, which made me turn around to see if she was alright. She was crying and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want her to feel bad because of me, but I didn’t know how to fix it. I’m not good with the girly shit, Connor is the one who is good with that, I wished he was there with me. I don’t have a sister, I don’t talk to my mother, what do I say to a girl when she’s crying? How do I make her stop? I should have paid more attention when Connor talked about girls. I didn’t want her to be upset, but I didn’t know how to make her feel better. She probably got scared because of that asshole, and all I could tell her was that he’s an asshole, right? What else is there to say about it?
I pulled the car over and looked at her in silence for a while. Even though some time passed, she still didn’t look at me, though, so I just petted her head, hoping she wouldn’t be crying after that, but her crying only got worse after I ran my palm over her head, like I did to Ryan. I knew that calmed him down when he was crying. Her hair was soft and once I started touching it, I couldn’t pull my hand away. She was hugging her knees and she just looked so small and fragile and I was so pissed off at Jake for spinning while she was in the car.
-What do you want me to do, Y/N? Do you want me to go there and beat him up? Do you want me to take you home? Do you want me to go away?-I kept asking questions, but she didn’t answer any of them.-Please, say something, I’m not good with this stuff, you know that.
She wiped away her tears and looked at me. Her make-up was smeared and her eyes were red from crying, her mouth wincing, and I just felt awful because it was because of me.
-C-can I hug you?-she mumbled through tears and I spread my arms wide, thankful for her asking for something I could give her.
She reached her hands out towards me, so I pulled her in, shifting her from her seat onto my lap. My arms were wrapped around her tightly, and she held both of her hands pressed to her chest, just like a little kid. She felt nice and warm, like a little ball of fur in my arms, but she was shivering. I ran my hands across her back to stop her from being cold, but the shivering didn’t cease, so I stopped doing that and just rested my chin on her head and held her like that for quite a while until she was relaxed and calm.
-What were you thinking?-I shook my head.-You saw how drunk he was. He’s a fucking idiot when he’s drunk. You could have gotten killed.
-I’m sorry. I’m just sorry.-she sniffed and I petted her hair with my palm.
-It’s okay, it’s not your fault.-I looked down at her face just to see her frowning, but at least the tears have stopped.
-Are you hurt?-she asked me and I wondered why she would think that.-Your hand.
I looked at my hand and she was right, my knuckles were bleeding, I had a cut from when I hit Jake in the face, even though I didn’t even feel like I was bleeding. It wasn’t a big deal, anyway.
-I’m okay, it’s nothing.-I told her, shaking my head.
I didn’t even feel the pain in my hand because of everything that was going on, I forgot about it. She slowly moved her fingers to my wrist, pulling it closer to her and then she ran her fingertips across my knuckles carefully, just to see if I was telling the truth, and I hissed at the contact, so she swiftly moved her fingers from my skin.
-Sorry.-she whispered.-You shouldn’t have done this for me.
-I couldn’t just leave you there, could I?-I cleared my throat, realizing how girly I was getting around her.-Do you want to go home now?
She nodded, but didn’t move from my lap. She kept on gripping my shirt in her small hand, just like Ryan did when he didn’t want to go to preschool and I had to take him.
-You know, you’re gonna have to move if you want me to drive you home.-I chuckled.
She shifted back to her seat after sighing and I noticed she was shivering after moving away from me, so I took off my hoodie and placed it on her lap.
-No, it’s okay, you take it.-she gave it back.
-Y/N, just take it, I’m not cold.-I told her and turned the engine on once again.
She put my hoodie on and it was nice seeing her wearing it. We drove in silence until we got to her house and I got out of the car, walked over to her side and opened the door for her. I stood next to her when she got out. I didn’t know what to tell her. I really suck at those things, I’m not good with people, I’m not a people person.
-Are you alright?-I asked, seeing as her make-up was smeared and she still seemed upset, but I felt stupid as soon as the question left my mouth. Of course she’s not alright, she’s cried her eyes out, she got scared as fuck and I ruined her night.
-Why did you come for me?-she asked, ignoring my question.
-I guess I just… I don’t want you to be with Jake, okay? I want you to… Stay with me, like, you know.-I shrugged, not really knowing what I was going to say. I never knew what to say, that was my problem. I never have the guts to say what I really think about things.
-Well, it can’t work that way. I can’t just have sex, I need a bit of feelings as well, Niall, it can’t go on like this forever.-she sniffed and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and then looked at me again.-I want to try to be happy with someone else, like… I can’t be happy like this. You just show up when I’m with someone else and then ditch me. Don’t do that anymore, please. It’s wrong. I told you, if you can’t do this, stay away, that’s all I’m asking. Please, you’re just messing with my head. And I didn’t do anything to deserve it, I really didn’t. I don’t hate you, on the contrary, I think you’re a good guy, but I can’t do that anymore.
Hearing her say this was actually awful. It looked like I was the bad guy, and I was already used to that, but I didn’t want to look like that when it came to her. I didn’t care if other people get hurt because I say or do something, but she wasn’t like other people, she was a good person. Seeing her almost fall apart in front of me because of something that I had done was awful. I didn’t believe what I was going to say to her, but I had to tell her that. Fucking her was good, I couldn’t give that up. What am I saying? I always underestimate her by saying that. No, fucking her was good, but she was better, I knew I wouldn’t be able to find someone like her ever again. All the girls that have ever considered being with me were dumb and/or sluts, and that was what I was used to, I didn’t have a problem with that. You know, I’d fuck them and then dump them and it all worked fine that way, no feelings on either side. But it shouldn’t be like that with Y/N. She was worth it, I think. Seeing her with someone else would piss me off and I couldn’t stand it, I already saw that tonight and I never wanted to see it again. I had to do it.
-I don’t come back just because I can, okay? I do it because… I have some sort of feelings for you.-I swallowed the lump in my throat as I waited for her reaction. This was the first time I’ve ever said anything like that out loud, except saying it to Ryan, but he was my brother, not some girl who could walk away from me whenever she wanted to.
-What?-she looked at me and I could tell she was surprised.-What are you saying?
-I don’t want you to be with anyone else other than me, okay? That’s all I’m saying.- I tried to wriggle my way out of it because I was uncomfortable saying these things. I don’t know how to handle all this talking, that’s not what I’m good at.
-But you do know that means you can’t be with anyone else other than me, right?-she replied.-What’s fair is fair.
I looked at her and licked my lips. I knew that was true, I just had to say yes. But what if I get a chance to be with someone else and I take it? Would I take it? No, I couldn’t do that, I wouldn’t. After all, I had no reason to, especially after I’ve tried it with Jessie and it sucked. I couldn’t get anything better from anyone else than I got from her, right?
-I know. I just, I’m not good with relationships and feelings and all that, but we can uhm, give it a try. Like not a relationship, just you and me hanging out and not seeing other people.-I looked down at the floor.-Are you okay with that?
She rubbed the inner corners of her eyes with her thumb and index finger and then sighed slowly, looking up at me.
-I really can’t believe you said that. I am okay with it, but only if you’re gonna start acting better. You don’t have to get all lovey dovey, I know that’s not you, but don’t be a jerk, don’t act like you usually do.-she shook her head at me.-Don’t do this to me if you’re just playing, okay?
-Okay.-I said.-I’m not playing. Come here, you’ve got something under your eyes, your parents are gonna think someone has done something to you.
She took a step towards me and I wiped the mascara from under her eyes with both of my thumbs and she smiled at me for doing that, so I did the same. Her skin felt cold under my thumbs, not warm like it did in the car. Did I just do some girly shit? Fuck.
-I don’t think they’re up now.-she replied.
-I’m sure they are, there’s a light on up there. It’s nice when nobody gives a shit so you can come home whenever you like.-I laughed and she just looked at me funnily, knowing I didn’t really mean that.
-I’m gonna go in. I’ll see you at college then?-she raised her eyebrow and I nodded.
-Yup.-I put my hands in my pockets and watched her walk towards the house.
Once she unlocked the door, she turned around to give me a smile before disappearing inside and I got back to the car and drove back to the club to return the car to Connor. I called him up to see where he was and he told me to park the car in front of his place, that he’s with Jake and I knew he was taking Jake’s side again. I did what he said and once I left the car, I was freezing. It was so cold and I couldn’t believe I didn’t bring a jacket, but then I remembered I brought a hoodie, but I gave it to her. It actually felt nice knowing she had it with her, so I walked home like that.
Did I just ask her to be with me? This wasn’t me. I felt pressured, sort of trapped once i started thinking about it. How do I do these things? What do I tell her when I see her? How do I act? I didn’t know if I should joke around with her or be nice to her. If I’m nice, she probably wouldn’t find me funny and it would be weird and I wouldn’t know what to say.
You woke up the next morning feeling awful. Every muscle hurt and you couldn’t get up for a while. You just kept on thinking about Niall and the things he said. It wasn’t even clear to you if it actually happened because last night was hectic. Niall wanted to be with you, just you, and he didn’t want to be with other girls. You smiled to yourself when you remembered that. You were already used to his mood swings, but you hoped this wouldn’t turn out to be one of them. He seemed sincere last night, though, and he actually told you he had some feelings for you, which was a huge statement coming from him, the guy who claimed vigorously that feelings don’t exist.
You got up and called Tyler, after seeing he had left over a dozen of messages last night. You knew he was probably angry at you for leaving with Niall without saying bye, but you were too tired to remember to call him once you got home.
-Oh my God, are you okay? I’m so sorry for letting you leave with him!-he kept on talking once you told him you’re okay.-I’ve heard about it after you went home, everyone was talking about how he was acting like an idiot and that Niall kicked him and threw him on the floor and took you somewhere with him, and I just want to know if you’re okay? I’m so sorry!
-Tyler, breathe!-you chuckled.-It’s alright. Niall got me home safely. Actually, something happened.
You told him all about last night, every detail and he sighed before telling your what he thought of it.
-I really hope he means it. I really do. I don’t like him, I don’t know if I ever will, but if he’s willing to try, he’s cool. I just don’t want you to get your hopes up for nothing.
-I know I’m an idiot for saying this, but I actually think he was honest this time.-you cleared your throat.-He helped me, he took me home, he didn’t even try anything sexual, but he was nice, for a change and I’m glad he was. I hope he means it this time.
-I hope so, too. If he plays you once more, I’m gonna beat the shit out of him. And you, trust me.-he laughed.
-I don’t think that’s gonna be necessary, but it’s good to know I have you.-you laughed.-I have a good feeling about this.
-I’m happy for you then. I got so pissed off at Jake when I heard that he was doing stupid turns. What the fuck was he thinking? What kind of fuckery was that? You just don’t do that.-he sighed and you could already imagine his upset face.-I’m actually glad Niall kicked him because he had to go home after that. Little bitch. And all this time I thought he was the nice guy. Shit.
-No, he is, Ty, he isn’t bad at all. But he was just upset about me and Niall, you know. Things were going great and then Niall showed up and I just lost all interest in him. I didn’t want to show that to him, but I was drunk and I really can’t fake anything when I’m drunk, so I didn’t even try to pretend I didn’t spot Niall. I spotted him right away and then Jake got pissed and literally dragged me out of there, you’ve seen it, but I guess you didn’t realize he was acting like a dick. Once we got to the car, he turned the engine on and asked me if I wanted to go back to his place because his parents were out of town. I said no, I really wasn’t in the mood for anything, plus I was drunk as hell, and then he got mad, but he didn’t want to ruin it, so he asked what I wanted to do. I told him I don’t really care what we do, and that pissed him off, and he asked if I’d rather be with Niall. I told him to stop the car because I’ll go out and then he started doing those turns and I felt like throwing up. He almost hit a fucking lamp!-you felt shivers as you talked about it.-And then Niall pulled him out of the car and I honestly didn’t care if he beats him up. Jake was acting like a jerk and Niall was nice to me, that’s all I’m interested in.
Tyler laughed at the other side of the line.
-Girl, you’re horny as a dog. Did Niall get reward sex?
-No, he didn’t even get a kiss. He didn’t try anything, which is really surprising.
-Really? What is happening to him?-he chuckled.-Your pussy must be golden, bitch.
You laughed loudly.
-You’re such an idiot sometimes.
-That’s why we hang out, don’t even try to tell me otherwise. You and me just hate other people, that’s why we get along. I hope Jake will bow out of the fucking picture and I hope I don’t run into him today because that bitch is going down, seriously, how immature is he to do that? Plus his white ass was drunk. I’d miss you if something happened to you, I can’t risk that shit, you feel me?
After hanging up, you took a long bath and then went to Facebook, just to check what was going on. Someone liked Niall’s picture and it showed up on your news feed, it was a picture of him smiling, just that, his face, and you found yourself staring at it for some time, just absorbing his features. He looked really happy in that picture, he always did. Was he yours now? He said he had feelings for you, and that had to mean something. You logged off Facebook, not wanting to get too carried away. After all, he didn’t even say hi to you today and he probably wouldn’t until Monday and you dreaded that day because you didn’t know how you should act around him and Jake when you see them in college.