I hear her calling my name, but I don't dare answer. Not now. Not like this. I sit huddled in the closet, my arms covering my head. I squeeze my ears shut with my arms, trying to block out her voice. If I don't hear her, the temptation isn't as bad. I shouldn't have let it get to this point. I should have stayed up and painted, or took a day off from baking. But I didn't, and now we're both paying for it.
It's been so stressful the past couple of weeks, but yet again so full of joy. After years of trying, Katniss told me she's pregnant. I'm ecstatic about it. I've always wanted kids. She's been kind of off lately though. I really don't think she knows how to feel. I don't think she ever truly wanted children, but more so did it for me. I'm glad she did it, but I hope she comes to want as much as I do one day. All of that joy is pushed aside now though.
I felt it coming on this morning when I woke up. I didn't tell Katniss though. She's been staying home more often ever since she found out about the baby. She stays really tired and sleeps a lot. When I woke up and found her asleep beside me, I quietly slipped out of bed and went downstairs. I was trying to hurry before the attack happened. I made a quick breakfast for her for when she woke up. I left a note on the table explaining that it was in the fridge for her. I then went into one of the rooms we never use and locked myself in the closet. And so that's where I am now.
This happens everyone once in a while. Katniss is just usually out hunting when it does. It terrifies me when I get this way. I'm so afraid I'm going to hurt her. It reminds me of when they first got me out of the capitol. The night I tried to kill her. I've learned she's not a mutt, and that she's not going to hurt me. Still though it sometimes becomes blurry, and the hijacked part of me tries to take over. And that's what's happening now.
Katniss doesn't really understand. She's seen me like this before. Whenever this happens she tries talking me through it, telling me I'm stronger than the hijacking. She tells me that's not who I really am. She doesn't seem to understand that I can't control. I'm not always stronger than the hijacking. The hijacking takes over, and all of a sudden I'm not me anymore. I'm a mutt.