If Only I Knew

(Book Two for How To Save A Life) "Are you crazy?" He screams. "Baby, I'm out of my mind." I smile.

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1. Miserable At Best

She tossed and turned in her sleep. Her eyes opened as they darted around the room. It was only a nightmare, she whispers to herself. A dream turned sour, that haunts her awake or asleep. Her clothes stuck to her like a second skin. She shut her eyes tight. How come she was the only one getting these haunting dreams? Everyone else was dealing with the death easily, but she wakes up in a pool of her own sweat and tears, her heart trying to break through her ribcage and pop exit out of her chest.

2:00 AM.

It's too early to get ready for school, and it's way too early to call one of the guys to help piece her back together, and fall asleep to be attacked by her own mind. So she laid there. Watching the ceiling. It didn't move, neither did she. She stared and stared until her eyelids became heavy and she was fighting to stay awake. Fighting to not be pulled into the dark. But she lost that fight.

"Hey Sky!" He smiled, his blue eyes shining.

"Hey Nashty." She smiled, hugging him tightly.

"C'mon let's go for a walk." He winked, grabbing her hand as they walked down a trail.

All was good as they stared at the scenery.

"Ya know, you should've been there for me." He mumbles, and she almost didn't catch it.

"I was Nash." She sighs.

"No, no you weren't." He huffs, stopping in his tracks.

"Nash, you know I was-"

"YOU WEREN'T THERE BECAUSE IF YOU WERE I'D BE ALIVE!" He screamed, his eyes turning a dark navy blue almost black. 

This were starting to go sour. "Nash you know I was trying!" Tears streamed down her face.

"YOU DIDN'T DO SHIT SKYLAR! NOW I'M SIX FEET UNDERGROUND! DO YOU UNDERSTAND NOW?! YOU WERE ALL I HAD!" He yelled stepping closer.

"You were all I had Nash!" She cried, The sun bounced of the blade, shining.

"Then why'd you let me go?" His voice was cold, filled with hatred as the knife slashed through the scarred skin of her wrist. At first it was a trickle, slow drops, then it turned into a puddle dripping faster and faster.

She stared speechless, she shut her eyes tight as she felt a sharp pain in her stomach. She fell to her knees, hands holding her stomach. Tears streamed down her face as she stared at her bloody hands, her body shaking with pain.

"Nash!" She called after him. He turned around. His face softened, his eyes changing to his regular baby blue.

"Goodbye Skylar." He spat, walking away.

There's was a loud piercing sound that broke the birds singing. She covered her ears, it was a loud screeching sound, and it gave her an immediate headache.

"Stop. Stop."

"STOP!" She screamed. Her breaths were heavy as she sat up looking around. It was time to wake up.

She turned the alarm off.

She dragged herself to the bathroom, physically, mentally, and emotionally tired. She turned on the water letting it heat up as she stripped down. She stepped into the stream, letting it was away all her problems. She shut her eyes, trying to forget the awful dream. It felt so real. She glanced at her wrist. Other than the fading scars, there were no fresh cuts. Her stomach was clear. She cleaned up quickly, stepping out. Wrapping her towel around herself.

Clothing. After digging through many articles, repeating 'no clothes', 'need to do laundry' numerous times, she found clothes.

A simple black sweatshirt and faded blue jeans with her white converse. She placed her glasses on her face, Placing her hair in a bun, saying it was messy was an understatement.

She stomped down the stairs to find her aunt and her sister.

"Good Morning sweetie." Her aunt smiled.

"Morning." She croaked, she had lost her voice from all the screaming.

"This is anything but a good morning. I barely slept because, my annoying sister kept screaming last night. So I didn't get my beauty sleep."

"Bad dreams darling?"

She nods sitting at the table picking at her toast.

"Goodness, I need to move out." Her sister grumbles, stuffing eggs into her mouth.

"Eat up baby, you barely eat anymore. This isn't health-"

"Auntie, she was never healthy. Just leave it alone." Her sister shrugs.

Skylar glances between her aunt and her older sister. She stares at her plate. The sight of food made her sick. She gulped.

"I think I'll pass. I'm just gonna wait for Luna to finish her food, so we can leave." She mumbles. Her sister rolls her eyes and her aunt sighs leaning back in her chair.

-----

He sighed looking in his reflection. His hair a blonde mess, bags under his eyes. He tried to smile, but he failed miserably, his bottom lip quivering. What was he doing with his life. Carter would never be proud of him, when he looked like this.

"A bit obsessed with your reflection hmm Matthew?" Her voice. A different one from the day before.

He turned to his bed. A different face from yesterday.

He couldn't even remember her name.

"Well, when you're this good looking, it's hard not to stare." He winks, a pain in his chest.

Carter would never be proud of the way he acted.

"Cocky. I like it." She smiles.

He doesn't.

"What's your name again?" He mumbles.

"Reychel? Do you really not remember?" She sounds hurt.

He feels bad, but he can't show that.

"Well, yeah. That's why I asked you." He rolls his eyes.

"Wow, you're a dick." She throws the sheet off herself. Pulling her clothes on.

"Whoa, Whoa, Whoa. Let's not get ahead of ourselves." He fakes a laugh.

"Get it, Dick? Head?" She gives him this glare that makes him uncomfortable. What the heck are you doing Matt, he thinks but he doesn't show any emotion.

"Look, I'm sorry. Sometimes I get so caught up with everything going on, I forget the important things. Like you're a human being with feelings and your name." He fakes an apology.

She smiles, pecking his lips. "You're lucky I love you."

Oh yeah, he also forgot, Reychel is his girlfriend.

Maybe I should stop sleeping around with people, he thinks. But he knows he's in too deep already.

"Love you too."

----

Shawn smiled at her. He was so madly in love with her. Her...everything.

"I love you so much." He bites his lip.

She smiles, but it falters. "Love you too babe." She plops down on his bed.

"Everything alright?" He asks, sitting down beside her, rubbing her back.

"Just dandy." She sighs.

Lou wasn't being completely truthful. She loved Shawn, With her whole entire heart. She knew her loved her too. But she knows not as much as he could. There are so many girls who like Shawn. She doesn't know if she can keep his attention for much longer. Sure, they share the fact that they're both Canadian, so they can relate. But for goodness sake the places they're from are almost nothing alike. He's more of a city boy, and she is nowhere close to being a city girl. She likes quiet places, a more home-like places, that are comfortable. Shawn likes modern, doesn't matter if it's comfortable, as long as it looks cool.

They're almost complete opposites. She only stays with him because she can't leave him. Not because she doesn't want to hurt him. She doesn't want to hurt herself. She's gone through so much shit, she couldn't do that to herself. Sure it's selfish, but she's just looking out for herself.

----

The birds chirping is what wakes up Cameron. He spent all night crying outside on his balcony, talking to the moon, hoping Nash is listening up there. He wants his best friend back. His sister thinks he's crazy but Nash was basically all he had. Now he's gone, and he wants be gone too. It's been so hard for him. Walking past his locker to find a little memorial. His dad has a memorial in the locker room. All these things reminding him of what he's lost. A girlfriend could never replace him. He misses him so damn much, he doesn't even understand it. He looks up at the sky, it's blue. Just like Nash's eyes. With that he broke down. He didn't care that the whole neighborhood could hear his wails. He thought maybe if her cried hard enough, screamed loud enough, pulled his hair hard enough. Nash would knock on his door and tell him to man the fuck up and stop crying, all while laughing, teasing him, but hugging him, comforting him.

It's torture at school, it's even worse that he has to have sessions with the school therapist, who's been working there since Nash's first attempt, when he tried jumping off the bridge. It was a real wake up call. One he didn't notice. He regrets it every day. Every hour, every minute, every freaking second Nash isn't breathing with him.

 

 

 

 

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