If Only I Knew

(Book Two for How To Save A Life) "Are you crazy?" He screams. "Baby, I'm out of my mind." I smile.

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2. Liquid Confidence

Skylar's POV

"What was it like Skylar?" She smiles.

My eyes finally meet hers, she's looking at my wrists.

"What do you mean?" I know exactly what she means, but I want to hear her say it.

"When you self-harmed, slit your wrists."

I looked at the wall past her.

I sigh. "You wouldn't understand."

"I will."

"You'd think I'm sick." I said the word with disgust. Everyone think's I'm losing my mind. I truly am, I know it, but I don't want everyone else to think that I am.

"Remember what I told you? I don't judge, I'm here to help." She nods, smiling.

"How is talking about my self-harming gonna help me?" I raise an eyebrow, she's crazier than me.

"Skylar, don't make this any harder than it needs to be." She sighs this time, tapping her pen against her notebook.

I watch her pen, "It kind of helps me control things. If I feel my life is spiraling out of control, just a slide of a blade and it's like wow, I did that. You are so memorized with the blood and everything you don't even notice you're doing it over, and over, and over. Then you're just numb and you stare and stare. Then all the reasons and the awful things people said to you hits you like bricks, you're crying and gasping for air. You feel like you're losing control so you do it again and again until you've cried yourself out, until all that's left is a shell of what you used to be."

Her pen moves madly across her paper. That is the most she's ever gotten out of me. The last thing she will ever get out of me.

"I think I'm done with these sessions." I stand up.

"I don't think that is the best idea Skylar." She mumbles, still scribbling down what I said.

"Too bad, thanks for the talk ya? It was great meeting you." I turn to the door.

"Skylar. Please. I'm trying to save you." I turn to her.

"Pardon?"

"I said I'm trying to help you. Please sit back down."

I stumble back to my seat, confused. I swear I heard save and not help.

"Right, so you said that you cut to-"

"Can we talk about Nash?" I ask. I look her straight in her eyes.

She looks surprised, I'd always avoid that topic.

"Yeah, of coarse." I watch as she scribbles down something.

"Uh, Nash. Nash was a good guy. Great, a great guy. I think I expected too much from him. So I could never fully accept the fact, he wasn't perfect. He made mistakes, and he was just as broken and torn up as I was. So when Nash attempted the first time. I was shocked. I, never in a million years would have thought Nash Grier, Nash Grier! Of all people. Would try to commit suicide. Cameron maybe, but not Nash. Oh no, no, no. Gosh, I miss Nash so much. I should've stayed when he begged me to. I shouldn't walked out on him like that, he begged me, and I just gave him a lousy rubber band and left." My voice cracked. Pull it together Sky! You are still in school.

"The rubber band. What was that for?" She asks.

"It was for self harm purposes. To prevent, myself from making more scars. So, I gave it to him, I said he needed it more than I did, I was right. So, so, so right!" I groaned, running my hands down my face.

"So do you blame yourself for Nash's suicide?" She sits up, leaning closer.

"Coarse, if I spent more time with Nash he wouldn't have killed himself and felt that there was hope and he'd still be alive." I say, I thought it was obvious that it was my fault.

"You realize there were other people who contributed to Nash feeling this way and it wasn't just you?"

"Oh, yeah I do. But I know I was Nash's last hope."

"You need to let go of Nash." She says, looking almost pitiful.

I roll my eyes. "How in fuck's sake did you graduate university? Of coarse I need to let go of Nash, that's the reason they sent me to you, but I can't forget him, if I'm here having to talk to you about him. Where's the logic in that? There isn't! I just need to go, before I lose my damn mind." I stand up.

"Alright. I'll see you next week."

"Oh, fuck off." I slam the door behind me.

The secretaries turn to me, students sitting in chairs turn to me. All eyes are on me. I scoff, walking out the office door and into the busy hallways. Ah, lunch time.

I ran to my locker grabbing my apple and my water bottle, running out the school doors. I spot the Shawn.

"Hey." I pant, sitting down.

"Someone's in a rush." Shawn laughs. I smile.

"So where's Lou?" I look around.

"Uh, she had this cheerleading meeting thing." He shrugs.

"Shawn. Lou doesn't Cheerlead." I point out.

"Weird." He looks off somewhere.

"CAMERON! MATT!" I wave my arm.

They wave back, jogging over.

"Hey!" I smile. They both smile weakly. They also look like they've been through hell, but I'm not going to comment on that.

"Where's Reychel?" I turn to Matt.

"Don't know, don't care!" He winks, biting into his sandwich.

I roll my eyes. "I swear, I don't know what girls see in you, you're an awful boyfriend." I joke.

Cameron laughs, a real laugh. "Ah, Fuck off, ladies dig me. That's all that matters." He rolls his eyes.

Matt has completely changed as a person. It's a bit frightening how quick he transformed into this womanizer.

"Matt, when are you actually gonna treat Reychel like a lady?" Shawn asks.

"Shawn, my friend. May I remind you she is my GIRLfriend. Not my lady friend. So therefore, she is not a lady and I treat her like a girl and not a lady." Matt smiles.

"Ah, amazing logic Matt." I bite into my apple.

"I believe she is a girl and not a piece of shit." Cameron raises his eyebrow.

"OOOOOOHHHH!" Shawn and I both yell.

"You guys suck." Matt frowns.

"Shh, here she comes." I whisper.

"Hey guys!" Reychel smiles sitting down.

"Hey Reychel." Shawn, Cam, and I said sounding a bit too fake and forced.

"Hey baby." She pecks Matt on the lips "So, what are we talking about?"

"Uh, the usual. How shit this school is and how we graduate this year." Cameron smiles.

"Did you guys hear? There's a big dance coming up." She smiles.

"Great, another night watching movies. At home. Alone. Again." I smile. Plucking the grass beneath me.

"Oh, Sky! You have to help me find a dress!" She cheers. I love Reychel, but I hate shopping to such an extent, I avoid it at all costs.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who says we're even going?" Matt stops her.

Her smile fades. "I thought-"

"Yeah, you thought! You're not going anywhere!" Matt laughs.

"Ouch." Shawn mumbles.

"Oh." Is all she says. There's a long silence. A really, really, really long silence.

I don't know exactly what to say at this moment.

"How's the team doing Cam?" I say, hopeful for a new conversation.

"Coach has been away for awhile now. So nothing's going on right now."

Then it falls silent again.

"How about that weather we're ha-" Shawn's cut off

"Matt, I can't do this anymore." Reychel speaks up. We all turn to her.

"Huh?"

"You treat me like dirt, and I can't take it. I know I deserve better and I'm not gonna let you run me down into the ground with your hurtful words and your awful attitude. I love you, but I can't take it anymore." Tears stream down her face.

I turn to Matt, don't let her go Matt. You'll regret it.

He shrugs. "You weren't that good in the sexual department anyway. Sabrina is way better at blowjobs then you will ever b-"

"You cheated on me with Sabrina?!" She gasps.

I shut my eyes tight. Ah, Matt.

"Oh yeah, and Margaret, Trina, Victoria, Jade, Katrina, Katherine with a K, Catherine with a C-" There's a loud smack.

I open my eyes, Reychel is storming off, Matt's holding his cheek.

"Matt, did you sleep with most of the girls in our school?" Cameron asks.

"Basically." He laughs.

How the heck is Matt laughing?

"Matt."

He turns to me.

"Have you been tested?" I ask, concerned.

His smile fades.

 

 

 

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