Distractions: A Book of Poetry

Poems that I've written

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147. what's wrong

 

out, out

let it all out

i don’t know how to say what i really feel

i don’t know how to feel what i really say

i don’t know my own thoughts

by the end of the day

you ask me what’s wrong

and i don’t know where to start

anxiety and depression and old aches for self-harm

pressure building inside my head

my heart trying to escape its cage

left alone, betrayed to my own devices

i’m afraid of being to weak to fight on

you want to know what’s wrong, read on!

cookie cutter life is being torn to bits

by the poison-tipped claws of reality

a fairy-tale ending for me? yeah, right

i gotta work if i want that crown

but i don’t qualify for the job

and i’m not ready for education

because i’m just a lazy slob

i have no drive, only meaningless passion

and i’m scared to get behind the wheel

i don’t know how to drive,

both literally and figuratively

they tell me i’m not ready for dedication and life

well, i told them the same damn thing

two months ago!

did they listen?

nooooooooo

i don’t know what i’m talking about,

i’m too stupid to figure it out

my snail-slow brain keeps running out

of fuel

i don’t know where to turn,

i don’t know where to go

i used to be good at solving mazes, but

this is nothing but dead ends, unsolvable

they tell me to stop being so damn emotional

they tell me everything i feel is totally hormonal

i wish they’d stop telling me that, instead just tell me

that they’re happy i found true love, someone to keep me strong

it’s not just fragile and fleeting,

it’s permanent to live on

forever

i wish they’d stop telling me

anxiety is all in my head

and just take me to the damn doctor instead

because i’d rather be safely diagnosed

than live a life of fear

how can they expect me to know how to live

when they’ve kept me so soft and helpless for so damn long?

they could have taught me how to be strong,

but i have to figure it out for myself

because now they don’t want to teach me anymore

oh, i’m a smart girl, i’ll figure it out

no, i’m too dumb to figure it out

contradictions have left me confused

and the back-and-forth battle, with words overused,

makes me want to curl up and cry, then sleep

for a thousand years in darkness, numb

 

you want to know what’s wrong? read on,

i’m too soft, too slow

i didn’t get the necessary training to really go

a battle has been flying over my head

contradiction bullets fired from genetically linked cannons

am i stupid am i slow

am i smart enough to know

how to live?

i am afraid of the future

afraid of the obstacles looming in front of me now

i’m not ready to grow up, not ready to fight

the necessary battle that is simply life

maybe i’ll run away into the woods

to find the meaning of life

maybe i’ll grow up too late,

after everyone’s moved on

maybe i’ll get lucky

and start a successful small-town business

or maybe i’ll just


 

i honestly don’t know

what to do

i’m not ready for survival,

not fit for independent life

i’m not ready to join the ranks

of the successful, the bright

the pretty names that light up the night

i don’t know where to go

 

you know what’s wrong, you see my thoughts

you can tell me every possible plot

but all i really need right now

is to know that you’ll always be here

keeping me strong

you’ll always be next to me so i can fight on

i just need to know

that the stream won’t carry you away

like it has taken so many other people from my days

i just need to know i’m not alone



 

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