I woke up to my alarm going off but I didn't move to turn it off. I was so tired and I felt like shit. That was one thing I hated about getting high; coming down was horrible. I always ended up feeling depressed after getting high. Eventually I slid out of bed and turned off my alarm. I stumbled across the room and turned on the light and picked out some clothes. I looked at Dani who was still fast asleep. I went to the bathroom and quickly got a shower and then I walked back into my room. I tapped Dani on the arm but he didn't move. I kissed his forehead and pushed some hair out of his eyes, that woke him up.
"Wha goin on?" he asked groggily.
"Do you want me to make you another hotpocket?" I asked.
"Sure," he answered as he closed his eyes.
I walked into the kitchen, where my other roommate was. Mac I called her. She had just gotten back from her every morning practice and was making coffee. I smiled at her as I walked in and then I pulled out a hotpocket from the freezer and placed it in the microwave.
"Are you actually eating breakfast?" Mac asked. She knew I didn't eat breakfast. Occasionally I would have coffee in the morning though.
"No it's for Dani," I said as I pointed to my room. Mak's eyes got big.
"Wait he's here?" she asked amazed. "Isn't it against the rules to have him here?"
"Yea, but lets not forget your boyfriend lived here for like 2 weeks and you never got in trouble," I laughed as I took the hotpocket out of the microwave.
"Are you two like a couple or whatever?" she asked.
"I don't really know. We haven't really discussed that. I mean we've had sex before and he's seen me drunk and high," I explained. "But I dunno what we are. I would like to think of him as my boyfriend though. Maybe I'll talk to him about that later," I said as I walked back into my room. Dani sat up as I walked in. I handed him the plate and he smiled.
"Thank you," he said as he took a bite. I smiled at him.
"I'm going to go dry my hair and do my makeup," I said as I walked out. I quickly dried my hair and did my makeup and then walked back into my room where Dani was sitting looking at his phone. "What's up?" I asked as I crawled under the blanket and cuddle up to him.
"Aaron just texted. He said I don't need to be at work till this afternoon," he said. "So you could just drop me back off at my house this morning," he said. I looked at my phone and started to do mental calculations in my head. It would probably take me a little bit longer to get to his house this morning due to traffic, so maybe 30 minutes. So an hour til I would get back to my area. It was already 7:15 and class started at 8:30.
"We better go now so I'm not late to class," I said as I grabbed my backpack and keys.
Dani jumped up and threw on a clean shirt and we walked out. I introduced Dani to Mac and then we walked outside in the cold. We got in the car and Dani was shaking from the cold. I grabbed the blanket that I kept in the backseat and handed it too him and then turned the car on high heat. Dani cuddled up in the blanket and then started laughing.
"What?" I asked as I pulled out of the parking lot.
"You smoked weed on this blanket didn't you?" he laughed.
"Yea. First time I smoked we went up to Ted Bundy's Cave and General didn't want to sit on the cold ground. So I brought that blanket. I think he might have spilled some green on it cause it smells," I laughed.
Dani and I continued to laugh and talk about random stuff until we got closer to his house. Then he got quiet. He took a hit from his VTR and held his breath for a few seconds before breathing out through his nose. As we turned onto his street he sighed.
"Whats wrong?" I asked as I looked over at him.
"I can't see us being anything more than just friends," he said just as I pulled up to his house. "I had an amazing week with you. But I just want to be your friend," he said. "Nothing more."
"What? Why?" I asked confused.
"No reason really but I just want to be friends," he said. I nodded.
"Ok," I said quietly. Dani smiled and kissed my cheek.
"I'll text you later," he said as he got out.
I drove away without any music on. I felt so...crappy. But I didn't really realize what had happened until I was about halfway to my class. I was driving down the freeway and it hit me. I had lost him. I felt the tears start to form but I pushed them back. I couldn't cry. I never cried. The last time I had cried was a year ago when I got in a car accident and was really scared and in shock. I hated to cry.
I got to class a few minutes late and I sat in the back of the class. I didn't even know what the professor was saying. During work time I sat and did nothing except thought about what had just happened. I pulled out my phone and texted Dani.
E: I really don't understand what happened between us
D: I just want to be friends. Are you ok with that?
E: I'm ok with being your friend but I would like to be more than just a friend. But I'd rather be your friend instead of loosing you completely. I care about you and don't want you out of my life. So yes we can be friends.
I clicked send but then something else came to my mind.
E: is it something I did? I can change just tell me what I did wrong.
D: It was nothing you did. Just don't make things more complicated then they need to be.
E: Ok, just friends then?
I put my phone away and walked out of class. I made my way up to my next class and I sat on the ground waiting for it to start. I pulled out my phone again and texted General.
E: do you have any mj you could sell me? Or alcohol?
G: why the hell do you need that?
E: Dani just broke up with me and I'm feeling depressed now. I don't want to feel this way.
G: um no I'm not gonna hook you up
I put my phone back as class was starting and I found a seat in the back. Again I didn't pay attention to anything that the professor was saying. I got a text and looked at it. I was hoping it was Dani but it was only Jade.
J: hey wanna hang out tonight? I wanna hear all about you and Dani
I sighed and held back more tears.
E: Um not really I'm just going to stay home tonight
J: What?? You are always up for hanging out! Are you hanging out with Dani instead? I'm ok if you are :)
I held back more tears but I felt like I was going to explode. I felt a giant pit in my stomach and I felt that my cheeks were red.
E: he broke up with me.
I looked over that text over and over again. I didn't want to believe it. Jade texted back immediately.
J: what??? that asshole! Where does he live? I'm gonna go kill him!
E: haha no you don't have to kill him
J: too late General said he's gonna help me
E: No really you don't have to kill him. I'm not mad at him I just am upset
J: I don't care hun, you liked him and he hurt you so he needs to pay. No one hurts my sister
E: well thanks for caring but I don't need you to kill him
J: well let me know if you change your mind. How about we have a girls night tomorrow?
Class ended and I walked out to my car slowly and got in. I sat there for awhile with my head on the steering wheel. I looked over and picked up the blanket that Dani had left in the passenger seat. I hugged it close to me. It smelled like him. I threw the blanket in the backseat and turned the car on. I turned on music and turned it up loud and sped back to my apartment. I parked and turned off the car and walked into my apartment. All my roommates were home but they were in their rooms. I walked into my room and locked the door. I crawled into bed and wrapped the blankets around me. They smelled like Dani. And that's when I lost it.
I started to cry. I felt the cold tears run down my hot face. I wiped them away but I continued to cry. I couldn't stop. I screamed into my pillow as my emotions welled up inside me. I was angry and upset and sad. I had never felt this way before. I pulled out my phone and texted Jade.
E: i give you permission to kill him
J: oh hun I'm sorry. All the emotions just hit didn't they?
E: yes...i can't stop crying. I hate him so much right now.
J: aw I wish I could help dear.
I got a snapchat from Dani. I looked at it. It was a video of him dancing around work. I threw it at the wall as more tears came. I got out of bed and pulled out some painkillers I had in my closet. I had some health problems and so I had painkillers. But they were the kind that didn't really do much. I poured about 10 pills in my hand and grabbed a Monster from the fridge. And I swallowed all the pills and drank like half the Monster. Then I crawled back in bed and continued to cry and then fell asleep.
When I woke up the room was completely dark. I looked over by the door to see if there was any lights outside the door, but the whole apartment was black. How long had I slept? I threw the blankets off and sat up. I wiped my face which felt stiff from all my crying. I stood up and got extremely dizzy. I fell over onto the bed but I stood back up and stumbled over to the light. As the light turned on, I felt like my eyes were burning. I also felt sick like a headache and upset stomach. I found my phone and looked at the time. It was only 8:00 but I had slept for about 8 hours. Then I remembered what had happened. I had overdosed on my painkillers.
"Shit," I mumbled. "I'm a fucking idiot."
I looked at my phone and saw a few missed calls and texts. Most of the texts and calls were from Jade who was worried about me. I texted her telling her I just fell asleep and I was fine. Lie. But I wasn't going to let her know I had completely lost it. I drank the rest of my Monster and grabbed a tank-top and shorts and a towel.
I decided I would take a shower and try and feel better. I walked into the bathroom and and turned the water on hot and got in. I let the water run over me and I splashed water on my face to get the dried tears off my face. Then I sat down on the shower floor. I sat there in the corner and just let the water run over me. After about 20 minutes I finally got out. My entire body was bright red from the scalding water. But I guess I didn't realize how hot the water was. I changed into the tank-top and shorts and then went back to my room.
I threw my dirty clothes and dirty towel on the ground and plugged my phone into my charger. Then I crawled back into bed. I wrapped the blankets around me and pulled my knees up close to my chest and hugged them. And I started to cry. Again. And I cried myself to sleep.